22 January 2021

0 truly, they do not know my life


for real. 

have the people producing the curriculum for these courses and fellowships on online teaching ever taught online? are they online right now? is teaching this online course on online teaching the extent of their online teaching experience? is that why all the articles about online teaching in this online teaching course are from 2019? 


this is not breaking news! this is like year old news at least. 

i update my syllabus approximately every freaking day. c'mon. 

every class makes one or a number of arguments. these classes make the argument that "we here at [institution X] care so little for your time and your success as a teacher in a crisis attempting to support 100 students from your bedroom four days a week that we're not even going to go through the motions of making this class applicable to the reality of your life." 

people, that is unkind. 

people, i have no patience for unkindness. and carelessness. no patience at all. tbh, i have no patience for much of anything right now. 

i cried today. over annoying, medium-sized beans nonsense that unkindly triggered a parade of past horrors, which was real fun times. 

but the cry was good and necessary. maybe not adequate to meet the needs of the moment and the approximately 19 MAJOR THINGS that have happened in the last three weeks, each of which warranted a proper cry, but it was something-- if not entirely a start. 

burvil is scheduled to get her vaccine today. there were two positives in her facility last week. 

this month has felt like 4,000 years. 

time moves so slowly and yet it's all over so fast. things cannot happen fast enough and then they're over and it feels like they never happened. 

howard started this week. already, it feels like the third week of school. 

there was a tweet that said it's as though we've spent the last four years with the music at high volume and now the music's off but we still hear phantom notes in our heads. 

it is simultaneously so loud and terribly, frighteningly quiet, like just after a snow. 

four times yesterday, i talked with a group of 18 and 19 year olds about the inauguration, anger, and michelle obama. again and again and again and again, each group slightly different, each discussion arriving at different ends. four versions of the same show, each shifting slightly to accommodate the changing audience. 

in the latter half of the last class, claude crawled into my lap and looked at me with WHY O WHY eyes then laid down his head and put his polkadotted paws over his ears.

four years. longer than it took to do my phd. 

four years, three cities, at least ten different homes. an unstable period in more ways than one. 

this was january 2017. my 2017 emphasis on The Peaceful Transition of Power has aged especially well. thank god though, garebear and burvil have both lived to see the end. 

the thing is time is so slow but then things happen so quickly. 

in a two day period last july, multiple jobs-- collectively equating to a livable wage-- fell into my lap. 

the times have changed but they also haven't changed that much. i have now spent the entirety of the trump presidency trying to write an essay about kim kardashian and lost time!! 

wherever you go, there you are

debo's sends me links to op-eds in the new york times that talk about what will happen to our country and don't mention the phrase "white supremacy" once. 

a student makes eye contact with me on her screen and critiques the "uncommented upon nationalistic overtones" of biden's inaugural speech. 

it is the same, but it is flowing forward. the future is coming. 

i've a postcard purchased during a 2017 trip to margate that reads: "MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE: HAVE FUN NOW." they weren't wrong. 

increasingly though, admittedly, i have no fucking clue how fun looks in 2021. 

for now maybe, it's just a walk with K tomorrow along the mall, seeing the fences come down, the army moving out, and the city putting itself back together, reconstituting itself to bear the awful losses that lay ahead regardless of who's in 1600 penn.

this post has no ending so i'll just leave you here. 

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