i have a full-time teaching job.
allegedly. apparently. so it seems.
you know i'mma commit to nothing out of fear that nothing'll commit to me, so i approach this thing that actually does seem to be happening with extreme caution.
but if i were a believing person, i'd say i basically have a full-time teaching job. by which i mean i do. basically. maybe. probably. totally.
plus another class at another university. as, like, a cherry on top.
because, in the sundae of teaching, who is to say what is too much!
it takes an i-9 for me to feel like this is real. it takes me scrolling past the boxes in which i would declare myself an "alien" if i were not born here to feel like this is true.
once upon a time i wanted to be a veterinarian, but today i took claudie in for his checkup and the vet had to pop a zit on his chin (which meant she was basically just dr. pimple popper, non?) and i feel like i made the right choice with my life.
i email lindear to tell her that, because she is already the end of life care friend named in my will, she is also the emergency friend listed in my hiring paperwork. in her reply, she references"the boner on [my] chest." reading that text, i suddenly just know that her name is dolores. the boner on my chest is named dolores. welcome.
in seven days, i am meeting i do not know how many students in a virtual classroom to which i do not have access because i have not yet been fully onboarded.
the beauty of the zoom orientation in a pandemic is that you can stir your laundry and try on new clothes and write letters while hearing about inter-library loan.
today, for the first time, i heard the word "edutainment."
i hope to never in my life hear this word again.
next tuesday, i am welcoming 80+ people i've not yet met (who i cannot yet email to tell them to CALM THE FUCK DOWN BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO GO INTO THIS NEWNESS SO VERY GENTLY TOGETHER) into my bedroom.
i'm going to do this without a syllabus. a decision i have arrived at after considerable thought. a decision in clear conflict with the dictate that we all submit our syllabi by august 24th at the school by which i have recently been hired.
but YOLO, c'est la vie, que sera sera.
we will be writing. we all will be writing. through all of this. and that is what matters.
it is frightening, how we are in the near exact situation we were in during the spring. when all i wanted to was to keep them writing.
and here we are, months later, and all i want to do is to keep them writing, and alive.
i approach this semester with a dread i've never felt before.
because it feels like we were lucky last spring.
it feels like we will not be so lucky now.