29 August 2017

0 FJ: and the part of jacqueline kennedy onassis will be played by kim kardashian or taylor swift

well, well. so it’s one of those mornings where i went to bed thinking i’d write about one thing and woke up to discover i needed to write about something else.
because last night this struck me as nothing, beyond its imminent usefulness to me.

25 August 2017

0 transing

garebear cannot understand the concept of transmedia. every time i mention it and that i'm doing this course and applying to an upcoming conference, he confirms: so it's not about trans people, this thing you're doing? 

and i say, no, no, it's about media. 

trans people in the media? 

no, no. storytelling across media. 

my assignment is going well, i say the next night.

oh, for that trans people thing? garebear asks.

and here we go again...

24 August 2017

0 prep

because i cannot sleep because all i can think about is my visa, debo and i are talking about princess diana in the wee hours of the night when she says, but she was not a commoner. she'd grown up around all that. she should've been prepared. 

and i say, but mummy, it's totally different. i mean, are we really ready for a tweet of mine to go viral?

and in the voice of someone who has ever before considered the prospect of my having a tweet go viral, she says, oooooooooh, as i assume this is now something for which she will go forth and prepare.

0 blurgh

i interviewed. i didn't get it. 

but not to worry. i may be terrorized by my immigration status and immigration-related impending doom, but i give great interview. i am impressive. i have "a very strong academic future ahead" of me. 

in other news, not getting it has given me a new appreciation of this scene from an episode of mary tyler moore that i've never really liked: 

21 August 2017


0 totality

garebear and debo are going to see the eclipse.

debo tells me this and that it is happening at 1:30 and that they're planning to leave 20 minutes beforehand. they believe they will get there right on time.

in the background, garebear is on the phone with the people they are meeting and i hear him echo.

it's happening at 1:30 and we're planning on leaving 20 minutes before. we'll be right on time.

it is 12 when he says this. it is with alarm that they discover the people they are meeting are already there.


debo, of course, assumes i cannot hear and so repeats this news at similar volume and bids me farewell.

this is typical in every way.

of course they would think there's all the time in the world to see a once in a lifetime event.

of course they would assume that they are the only people who have this plan.

of course it would not occur to them that hundreds of other people have not had the exact same plan of rendezvousing at the exact same place that they have planned on.

and of course they would have made no special provisions for this plan beyond searching for moon pies at walgreens (no go) and accepting the eclipse glasses a friend picked up for them at the bank the other day, where they had so many left over that they were giving them out on the street.

20 August 2017

0 the interview

(game face)

i'm on a balcony in bermondsey (which, i swear, a part of me still wants to call beardmondelsley, as i did for the first two years of my london life) when jude says, i mean, i can't look you in the eye because we're both wearing sunnies, but really you have to be prepared for anything and i need to be able to look you in the eye and be convinced that you're prepared for anything. but no pressure. you always perform well in social situations. just be yourself. but control your face.

and i'm reminded that i once interviewed steinem.

by which i mean waking up early in a new york city hotel room and having violent diarrhea while debo slept because my nerves were just beyond and then walking the thirty blocks to steinem's brownstone, where i (stuffed full of imodium) sat on a low-to-the-ground couch that puts my knees up above my hip points and gave a convincing performance of someone with normally functioning bowels who wasn't totally unaccustomed to speaking to people routinely interviewed by CNN.

but that was a book. this is a job.

i am, i am realizing, highly skeptical of my own ability to be employed.

(game over)

17 August 2017

0 transmedia

the line of thinking was: i'll apply for this transmedia course and if they give me financial aid then i'll do it. but they're not gonna give me financial aid so it won't matter that it is WILDLY INCONVENIENT timing to be taking a six week course that requires 1000 words of writing on a project i'm not actually doing every single week.

and lo. the financial aid gods say, YO OLINE.

fitting. that i would be gifted the gift of free learning when it is most inconvenient.

and so, in the midst of copious UK job applications, the development of a teaching portfolio for an even more involved denmark job application and the gathering of material for an application for a teaching certification (when the film of this period of my life is made, it will be called the applicant), i am also now producing 1000 words a week on a hypothetical tonya harding transmedia project.

at the eliot school last summer, the keynote speaker made some reference to an application eliot made to cambridge. and how, like all academics, he went to great lengths proposing a project that he never mentioned again outside of his application to cambridge.

if nothing else, i have one up on eliot. tonya harding has now been mentioned in many many times.

13 August 2017

0 FJ: #bookshopsexism

i work in a bookshop.
in many ways, it is deeply lovely. but the level of sexism one encounters working in a bookshop is STAGGERING, fyi.

07 August 2017

0 words i have looked up today


06 August 2017

0 proof

for my second assignment for LF, before i had a proper dissertation, when i was operating under a title that i no longer remember because it existed solely for the purpose of getting me into king's and i had absolutely no idea what i was doing, i wrote this stuff about jackie and 9/11.

and it was after joe had died but before martha died and i had just moved into my proper london apartment but did not have a desk, so i knelt on a pillow before my coffee table and banged out this weird shit about how jackie's story and the story of 9/11 were linked.

these were strange days. submerged in grief. spent watching the news footage of the jfk assassination and the coverage of 9/11 because i knew i could take it and for some reason it seemed to essential to see how stories begin.

that is where i was when i wrote this.

LF wrote on that draft the second highest praise i ever got from her. she wrote: this seems like an original thought.

i was in paris when i picked it up again. two years ago, facebook tells me. when i spent a week at the top of a ten floor walk-up and shared a toilet with a man i never met. and i was there to write my critical piece but this stuff on 9/11 kept coming out.

i submitted that article a few months later.

then i submitted my phd and went to paris and then a week before my viva i got the readers reports. one of which was "THIS IS GROUND-BREAKING AND HOW WE SHOULD BE DOING ACADEMIC RESEARCH AND WRITING FROM THIS POINT FORWARD!!!!" the other of which was like, girl, FUCK NO.

 and i vivaed and went to paris and thought, well i'm never going near that thing again! 

and then there, a month ago, when i should've been working on another article, all i wanted in the world was to return to this one.

it pulled at my heart.

amazing how the thing you once hated is the only thing you want when a far more frustrating thing waltzes into the picture.

amazing how terribly fucking long it takes for one's thinking to catch up with the idea with which one began. how much effort goes into extending the brain to make sense of the intangible thing you noticed decades ago, to make it mean something, and to argue for the value of whatever that meaning might be.

i feel like the point of so much of my work is simply: THIS HAPPENED.

and perhaps also: why have we forgot?

01 August 2017

0 so

debo says she and garebear worry i've rejected the life they lead and i say no no no, and i do not have a word for what they have done because i do not want to use empowered because i am skeptical of what it means in the feminist neoliberal context and so i say no no no, you have enabled me to do something that is still unclear and for that i am so grateful.