11 October 2016

0 the very important conversation regarding the things that need to be done to facilitate my transfer to a different type of visa


O: hi, mummybee.

D: hi, bearoline.

O: are you ready for the very important conversation regarding the things that need to be done to facilitate my transfer to a different type of visa?

D: of course.

O: so, first

D: wait. should i put you on speaker? your father will want to hear this. i'll put you on speaker. [an aside] gary, you'll want to hear this. i'm putting her on speaker.

G [in the background]: why don't we skype?

D: can we skype? he wants to skype.

O: we can skype. but the internet connection is not great here you know.

G: let's skype.

O: also, you've not seen me in a few months and i've not washed my hair since friday and i stayed up all night to watch the debate but please don't take my appearance today as an indicator that my life has fallen apart.

D: we're going to to skype. ok, bye.

O: bye.

[skype ringing noise]

D:  YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

G: what's happening to your hair?

O: guys, please.

G: ok, tell us what you got.

O: so, what i need is my birth certificate and

D: i don't have that. do you have that?

G: i don't have that. she should have that.

O: i don't think i have that.

G: let me go look in my box of treasures.

O: if i had that it would be in my box of treasures.

G and D: WHAT?!

G: you're frozen.

D: we can't hear you.

G: where are you?

D: she was right there. you saw her, she was right there.

G: of course i saw her, i'm right here.

D: where did she go?

O: HELLO. i went nowhere.

D: oh, THERE you are. what did you say?

O: i said if it's anywhere here, then it's in my box of treasures.

G: it won't be in mine.

D: go look in your box of treasures.

G: she's frozen again.

O: i'm going to turn off the video and then maybe the sound will work for us. i'm turning off the video.

D: WHERE did she go?!??!

O: guys, focus. i've turned off the video and am going to look in my box of treasures to see if my birth certificate is there.

D and G: ok. [whispering to one another]

GIANT LOUD NOISE

D: what happened to her?? is she ok?? what's going on? i can't see anything??

G: doesn't she know that she's supposed to say i'm alllllllllllll right so we'll know she's ok?

D: she should know that. IS SHE OK?

G: how would i know? i'm here with you.

O: i'm fine, i'm fine. the pile of books on top of my treasure box fell off. i'm fine. lookit that, i own nine oyster cards!

D: were you expecting the brady bunch?

O: no, and no it's not in my box of treasures, though your document of final intent is.

D: your father's got his treasure box here. he's opening it up. he's looking inside.

O: you know i can see you guys right, even though you can't see me? your video is on. so, mummy, you really don't need to narrate.

D: oh. i did not know that. but i do love to narrate.

O: oh, i know.

G: oooooooooh, look here it is!

D and O: yay!

G: that script from that one time i played the person in the gold lamé pajama pants petitioning pilate to kill christ!

D and O: that's not it!

D: he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

G: oh wait, here 'tis! right by the document of final intent.

O: geez, when you die we'll just be surrounded by wills.

D: you can throw yours out. it's probably wrong. you know how often we update.

O: so we've got it?

G: got what?

D: the new will?

O: nooooooo, the birth certificate that precipitated this whole conversation? good grief, what is that thing in the hallway?!

D: what thing?

O: is that fez?! guys, i seriously thought it was a small dog.

D: you can see him??

O: of course i can see him. the video is on.

G: he is not fat! how dare you!

O: i'm just saying he casts a broad shadow.

G: WHOA. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

D: THERE YOU ARE!

O: um... i turned my video back on about ten minutes ago.

D: and aren't you beautiful.

G: but you scared us to death.

O: ok, so we've got it.

G: got what?

O: the birth certificate.

D: no, this is a copy.

G: but it's a certified copy.

D: so it's the real thing.

O: so it's the real thing in spite of being a copy?

D: of course.

G: absolutely.

O: that doesn't make sense.

D: oh, but it does.

G: daughter, this is the way the world works.

O: this is why everything takes us so long. that was the first item on a list of five.

D: whew. should we pause and have a snack?

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