31 December 2016

0 yore

four years ago, i was on the verge of leaving chicago.
how bonkers (and heavily filtered) it all looks now!

27 December 2016

0 hmmm

debo: dr. caroline. that's like dr. phil. except, let me tell you something, you're better at people's feelings than he is. 

0 these crazy kids

fyi, have been married FOREV. (well, 41 years to be exact, which is pretty much the same thing.)

24 December 2016

0 ^._.^

A photo posted by Ohlighn (@ohlighn) on

A photo posted by Ohlighn (@ohlighn) on

23 December 2016

0 paging

0 mariah's world

o: watch it. it will restore the parts of your heart that jackie destroyed.
s: that is a bold statement but i believe our friendship will survive it.

22 December 2016

0 small world

a friend of debo's reads a blog which recently referenced a post on finding jackie. the friend immediately emailed my parents under the subject "small world."

the blogger- inexplicably, as it's plain as day- couldn't find my name and, in the comments, someone posted my school profile, noting that my name (why is everyone all up on my name all of a sudden?!) appeared to be legit.

upon reading my school profile, my parents were apparently dazzled by all i have done.

i mean, we knew you were doing all those things, debo says, but we didn't see how they'd add up. 

garebear's enthusiasm is enormous as he says, you really sound like someone!! 

21 December 2016

0 :)

20 December 2016

0 tennised

i tell garebear i'm in wimbledon over christmas and he asks if i'll be "doing the tennis."

this somehow leads to him making a sound with his mouth that is reminiscent of a tennis ball hitting the court. which, in turn, leads to me grunting huh...huh...huyuh, like a tennis player hitting the ball.

we do this for awhile and then stop and the conversation proceeds without our acknowledging having done this.

19 December 2016

15 December 2016

0 the way up

last month, during the second martini part of this long ass conversation we were having, i confided to STZ that i'd been wanting to do a different type of podcast. and i wondered if maybe we shouldn't do something together.

because we've been having this conversation for years.

13 December 2016

0 tuesday

best compliment ever
and an (undeserved) elevation

10 December 2016

0 given the state of our current world, i think we need more mariah

garebear had a moment the other day where he realized that i might be able to access their cable from abroad and watch all the hallmark movies recorded on the family DVR. this was the most exciting thing ever to him because he has longed to discuss mistletoe promise (his hallmark movie of the year) with me for weeks.

so you can imagine his consternation when, rather than immediately watching mistletoe promise so we could discuss, i instead watched episode 1 of mariah's world.

09 December 2016

0 The Author

i cannot find it.

and i think, ohmygodohmygodihavelostit and that seems like the greatest tragedy In The World.

and then i think, it must be with norman mailer, but it is not with norman mailer and that makes everything worse because if it is not with norman mailer then i do not know where it is.

08 December 2016

0 no, this was not me, though i will now be wearing rhinestones to the library

07 December 2016

0 YES.

i no longer remember how this began. whether, some months ago, k.lo's son pronounced my name and it sounded like "aunt carousel" or whether i decided that is what i should be called. both scenarios seem equally plausible.

but, whatever. this is who i am now.

EXCEPT, now i am a doctor.

say hi to doctor aunt carousel, k.lo tells her kid. tell her congratulations.

helloooooo, i say. hellooooooo.

and there comes a small voice on the other end which says something so fantastic that i assumed k.lo would've heard it otherwise and what i had heard was, in fact, not what was said. but, no.

he said it: goooooooood looking doctor aunt carousel.

a promotion.

0 this morning, i loaded on the eyeliner for no reason. sometimes it's like you just know when.

07 DECEMBER 2011

3december 7th

1. ovan was a first-wave hipster
there is a zit directly between my eyes
3. everyone looks this sweaty
in mississippi in december
six years ago today on this day in oline history, in the middle of the rogue wave concert, donovan and i broke up. which was a big, huge thing because it was the thing that brought me here.

donovan is very, very sick. i don't know what to do with this and so i do nothing.

this is my clearest memory, the moment that keeps coming back... it was three years before all that, senior year of college, the friday before christmas break. we were just friends.

he'd been partying all night at the house of people i did not know. early on, he fell and scraped his back and, the rest of the night, there were puns about bactine.

i'd pulled a closing shift at applebee's and went to the party after work. i arrived around 1 a.m., wearing a brand new, painfully preppy outfit from j.crew of which i was terribly proud.

he was standing on the porch and maybe six beers in. he put down his pbr and came toward me like a magnet. taking my face in his hands, he kissed my forehead and then both cheeks and said, "oh, my oline, you've such beautiful tip eyes."

he looked so terribly young then (we are still so terribly young now), as he complimented the eye make-up i wore to make money.

06 December 2016

0 cat sitting in the city


0 FJ: FACT TIME WITH OLINE: the daily mail on jacqueline kennedy’s suicidal thoughts

in the first of what may or may not become a recurring series… FACT TIME WITH OLINE!!!

oh hey, ya’ll. i’m a legit doctor now so please note the new, highly over-educated gravitas of my lit crit here.
good timing too because with the release of jackie, lo! a kennedy season is upon us.
translation: prepare yoself for some really ridiculously counter-factual daily mailreports.
et voilá!

02 December 2016

0 the perfect leaf

a few weeks ago, garebear went on a walk with the dog.

(you're telling it wrong, k.clen tells me when i tell this story. because, apparently, everybody already knows that garebear goes for walks with the dog regularly so this is not as extraordinary as my story-telling would make it sound.)

and during this walk, he happened upon a leaf. one of the first of the season and an exceptionally fine specimen.


(as you well know, in my family we never do anything with anything less than total fervor.)

declaring it THE PERFECT LEAF (i would not be surprised if, in the moment, he actually uttered these words aloud), garebear picked it up and brought it home to show debo.

ooooooooooooooh, they marveled together, agreeing it was THE PERFECT LEAF. a beauty, a gem, leaf of the year!

at this point in the story, when he is recounting it to me as i sit in the kitchen drinking coffee, garebear brings me THE PERFECT LEAF so that i might see it. it is perhaps a sign that i am the zennest one of all that what it took them a week to realize is immediately evident to me.

it was a whole week, a WHOOOOOOOOLE week, garebear tells me, before we realized it was fake.

0 "the continuing story of fezzik's adventures in eating everything in the house"

this is what debo's calling it now when she calls with the latest installment. it's a soap opera with near-daily updates.

last night, my parents had spaghetti for dinner and wanted to finish a film before doing the dishes. in the midst of this, the cat leveraged a wooden spoon to upturn the lid on the pot containing the spaghetti sauce.

my parents dismissed this racket as "the house settling" but, when garebear later went into the kitchen, he found the cat with half his body extended into the sauce.

for months, it has been a point of pride with garebear that, though he cut fez's food allotment, the cat had not complained. turns out, there's a reason for that: the cat is a wily minx.

fez has been eating the dog food, garebear tells me, a note of resignation in his voice. not just eating it, but opening the bag.

my parents have developed a theory that when he was abandoned, it must have been in a room with nothing but a sealed bag of dog food. a bag he taught himself to open and feast upon. hence his uncanny ability to infiltrate sealed containers and order up a buffet.

his greatest feat yet came on thanksgiving.

my parents were lying in bed and glimpsed a strange shape sauntering through the hallway. a sight which would suggest the cat had leapt upon the kitchen counter and grabbed a sealed bag of leftover thanksgiving dinner rolls, which he proceeded to carry up the stairs and through the hallway as he held it in his mouth.

my parents confiscated them. but twenty minutes later he was back, casually, cooly walking the halls with the empty bag the rolls had come in.

clearly, the cat has won.

01 December 2016

0 today, i am a doctor

reportedly, allegedly, so they say.

for someone of great faith, i have a profound inability to believe in anything having to do with my phd.

but yes, official documents have been filed- with the government, no less- which would indicate that today is, indeed, The Day. so perhaps it will be.

i ask the other caroline if we can go for a walk. because i've a compulsion to make it feel like something "real" has happened on this day. because my becoming a doctor doesn't feel "real" enough. whatever that means.

is there a ceremony i can come to earlier in the day? the other caroline asks.

i inform her, no, there's no ceremony. i'm 99% certain that my doctoring will be signaled only by my receipt of an email at some point on this day or- if the trend of the last 3.89 years continues- the day after or the day after that.

you should turn on a special alert, debo tells me, like the music they have at gare du nord, so when you get it, it will be like a choir of angels sings.

intriguing but not feasible. because then i'll be getting alerts all day about things like the KCL english department christmas party and student questions about next week's reading, things that have nothing to do with my becoming a doctor and which will, as a result, be heralded unnecessarily by a choir of angels.

after a day of unnecessary angelic heralding, how meaningful is the choir of angels alert for the email containing my doctoring really going to be?

i bet you get a letter too, N says, trying to make me feel better, suggesting that this will make it feel Real. a piece of paper. i have doubts.

can you chat tomorrow? AV asks.

i don't know. i'm going to be pretty busy, i say. you know tomorrow's the day i officially become a doctor. and she gasps in awe and wonder (because we have been waiting nearly A YEAR) and says she will call anyway with congratulations.

even though it is attached to nothing but the receipt of an email and the passage of a particular date, this is a huge fucking deal. intellectually, i know this. the fact that it is simultaneously so big, so abstract, and so unlikely to have any real immediate effect on my life beyond granting me an honorific that people have been illegally bestowing upon me for months is perhaps why i keep telling everyone i meet.

we were going out to the parlors last night, and a volunteer i don't know very well asks what i'm doing the next day. and i tell her, in the tone of voice one would ordinarily use to say one is getting one's nails done, tomorrow i'm becoming a doctor.

no reportedly or allegedly. it's real.

29 November 2016

0 FJ: the NYT obituary of florence henderson, working woman

i have written a lot about women and obituaries (here and here and here and here), and about how the way we write women’s obituaries SUCKS (here).
lo! HOPE.

23 November 2016

0 the owl mug

when i was in memphis last may, we watched a danica mckeller hallmark movie about a girl who doesn't ever want to get married and a guy who doesn't ever want to get married and their friends who are getting married and need them to plan their wedding in a barn because the bride's parents were victims of a ponzi scheme and they can no longer afford the wedding of the bride's dreams. and, of course, this brings together the girl who doesn't ever want to get married and the guy who doesn't ever want to get married and- surprise!- they ultimately get married.


in one scene midway through the movie, as she was about to put the moves on the man it was already clear she would wind up with at film's end, danica mckeller took a sip from this giant owl mug. and when the aforementioned man asked her what she was doing, she informed him that she was drinking from her "snazzy owl mug."

some days later, my family were at marshall's and lo! there in the glass things aisle was THAT EXACT SAME MUG from the hallmark movie. and we eatons gathered round in a triangle of awe, marveling that a ceramic we had seen in a movie not three days earlier now appeared before our very eyes in real life.

if memory serves, i carried it around for a few minutes to determine whether i loved it enough for purchase and then put it back, because it seemed impractical to pay $3.99 for something likely to be broken in the trip home.

cut to three days later, when garebear drops me off at the airport and calls to tell debo that, having done so, he's gonna swing by marshall's and pick up that mug for me as a surprise because he could tell i loved it more than i knew and i needed it in my life.

except this message was left on my voicemail- not debo's. and so, landing in atlanta, i learned i would one day be the surprised recipient of a giant owl mug all my own.

while in memphis earlier this month, the owl mug officially became mine and it, later, successfully made it to london unbroken.

it is, i realize now, having drunk from it for a fortnight, probably the equivalent of four to five cups of coffee. so garebear's surprise that the coffee pot was always empty when i'd had "only the one cup" gradually becomes clear.

22 November 2016

0 who would you rather?

who would you rather meet, STZ asks, michelle or barack?

we've been doing a circuit, around our places in london.

paul to CG to the southbank and back to CG, to the martini bar to which we went the first night we hung out together in london waaaaaaay back in january 2013, when i was new and naive and impoverished and enormously relieved to hear her say that everyone struggles to financially survive in london.

on three separate occasions during this adventure, i repeat, see, this is why we need more stories of women!!

we are, of course, talking about women and about being women and about working as a woman and living abroad as a woman and writing as a woman and why women suck because we are a part of our own problem. we are talking about the many ways in which we shut ourselves up.

two martinis later, we're at benitos when STZ asks me this question. who would i rather meet- michelle or barack?

and i say i do not know and ask which she'd prefer.

michelle, she says. because with michelle i could relax. with barack, i'd have to be a woman meeting a man.

what about with hillary, if she'd won? i ask, and she says, of course, that would be different.

our eyes meet over our margaritas and our hearts sink.

yeah, STZ says, resigned as she hands me a napkin. it's happening. it's every day now.

we have lost something we've not yet had.

20 November 2016

0 FJ: there is nothing worse than a staunch woman

but you see in dealing with me, the relatives didn’t know that they were dealing with a staunch character. and i tell you, if there’s anything worse than a staunch woman… S-T-A-U-N-C-H. there’s nothing worse, i’m telling you… they don’t weaken. no matter what… but they didn’t know that. well, how were they to know?
 you dressed for battle, edie, one of the maysles brothers asks her. this is either an observation or an inquiry, the inflection is inconclusive. it could be either. i cannot tell which.
you dressed for battle. Continue reading 

15 November 2016

0 it is good to sparkle

jude says this at breakfast, when i apologize for all of my pink. because, my pink, it is excessive. but she doesn't think so. she believes that, in times like these, it is good to wear color and sequins and to shine.

we must think of something good, she says. we struggle to do so. it is embarrassing, the effort we make and also the failure. in lieu of locating something good, i excuse myself and go to the bathroom.

at lunch, there is a pall. N is struggling. the only point at which it feels we are ourselves together is the eight minutes during which we only discuss make-up.

and then there is a pause and various griefs descend.

there is good.

i have identified the boundaries of what i am in.

a job may have fallen into my lap.

i may be able to pay january's rent.

we must hold out for possibilities we have not yet imagined, i told garebear in memphis when he suggested i should consider moving there because life in the uk had suddenly got hard.

life in the uk has always been hard.

life anywhere is hard.

this is not a uk-centric phenomenon.

one of the people i love most in all of the world is having suicidal thoughts and there is absolutely nothing i can do beyond answering the phone.

it is not enough. i am never enough. i wrestle with the fact that that is ok. that i need not be. that there is absolutely no way that i can hold everyone else together. i can barely hold myself together.

there is so much sadness at present among the people i love, it is hard to bear. so many of the people i love seem to be falling apart.

and yet, small victories persist.

happy national catheter removal day, garebear exclaims when i call him. for it is coming out today.

and it will hurt and there will be new struggles but we carry on.

the clouds were low, the fog thick, as i bumbled around town today, breakfasting and lunching and being present, bundled in pink fur, waiting for the pieces i've set in motion for possibilities i cannot yet imagine to ease into place.

and, as usual, i'm reminded of the thing kara beautiful gold and i believed so fiercely in 2001 that we committed it to poster-board... the natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster. strangely enough, it all works out in the end... it's a mystery. 

and also my own bastardized paraphrase of esther 4:14... for who knows whether you haven't been put right here for just such a time as this? 

so bring out the sequins and rhinestones and all of the pink. all will be well. eventually. surely. no?

0 5 nov

A video posted by Ohlighn (@ohlighn) on

12 November 2016

0 roaring cats do not purr

i have wondered about this often. probably in conjunction with aslan.

would he purr?

but whatever it is that enables roaring precludes purring. and, presumably if real roaring cats do not purr, neither do fictional.

we spend the night before garebear's surgery watching a documentary on cats. fez perches on the arm of the couch, expectant, ears on high alert, occasionally extending a beseeching paw, as though he wishes to make contact with his relatives on screen.

he probably appreciates that we are watching this documentary on his kind, garebear observes. especially given all the movies about people he's had to watch.

that night, though it is 10 p.m. and our alarms are set for 4 a.m., the four of us pile into the bed that is designated as mine when i am in memphis and we watch the SNL election special in the dark.

something is wonky with the TV setting and we can only see the right 3/4s of the picture. text keeps running off the side of the screen. and yet all of the commercials are centered. this drives garebear bonkers though he does nothing about it.

the cat does plodding circuits across our stretched out legs like logs in an obstacle course.

every morning, during my first week in memphis, i'd wake up at 6, put on the sneakers my father bought me from target over a decade ago for $9.99 (possibly our greatest investment ever as a family, he says every time he sees me in them), put on the NPR politics podcast and go for a walk around the neighborhood.

in houses, lights go on. in garages, cars warm up. a breeze stirs through; flags flutter then slacken. invisible, several blocks away, the garbage truck proceeds haltingly, with a creaking and crashing. bathrobed women kneel to retrieve their newspapers. kids cluster on the sidewalk. the school bus snakes through its route. inside, sleepy heads lean against fogged windows.

the sun spills pink and purple, inky across the sky.

the dog walkers and i greet one another with eye contact, exclamations of good morning and a cheer i do not feel.

my parents were in maine when i realized i needed to be in memphis. we rendezvoused at the airport. my flight was 20 minutes early and theirs was 20 minutes late, with an hour scheduled in between.

as i waited at their gate, the lights kept going out. the janitorial staff walked past repeatedly, looking me up and down. a bundle of pink fur collapsed in a chair in the darkness of C-8.

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? 
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues? 
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

it isn't any one thing. and i cannot find the boundaries, cannot figure out where it begins and ends. 

i'm in memphis because four days earlier i actually googled "how to cope with crippling anxiety."

this is not who i am as my ideal self: someone who googles "how to cope with crippling anxiety." 

in our family i am stereotyped as the emotional one, the one with all the feelings. this is an area where my parents and i differ and, as a result, it is an area where i have always perceived myself to be wrong. that my feelings are dangerous. and that i must protect everyone from them. 

don't cry, garebear always said. for decades, i interpreted this as a prohibition. now i realize he was just talking to himself. 

garebear and debo, i imagine, do not want me in memphis because they think i will come to town and spray all my messy emotions on everyone. it doesn't help that, when i call to tell them i am coming to memphis, there's a crescendo of crying that makes it appear i am in the midst of a panic attack. 

debo is in public. to me, she sounds icy and removed. DO YOU NOT WANT ME? i wail, at my most shrill, in a tone that would make most anyone run for the exit. 

cornered, i go feral. i lash out and hiss and claw. so i can see where they're coming from. this isn't exactly the person you want around in your time of need. 

but there are advantages. accustomed to working under extreme pressure, under extreme pressure i excel. i am extremely practical. i look beyond the moment we're in to see the details that must be worked out to make the moment three moments from now more tolerable. 

debo worries about getting him dressed. i figure out which door of the house is easiest to get into with minimal steps so when she gets him dressed i can load him into the correct side of the car.

caroline is in charge, debo says repeatedly, with audible relief.

she is fixated on a spot on her nose, barely visible. as he has said every time a blemish has sprouted on anyone in our family since 1980, garebear tells her to put alcohol on it. (the only person in our family this has ever worked for is him.)

that has only ever worked for you, debo tells him. i already put the alcohol on it, she whispers to me, just so i could say i did and he wouldn't have to keep telling me.

you just have to keep doing it, garebear informs us, his faith in the blemish healing powers of alcohol unflagging.

what do you think it is? debo inquires, as i peer at the tip of her nose through a magnifying glass, aware this magnifies my own nose to five time its usual size as i try to discern something that will reassure her about hers. when i tell her it is probably a stress-related cyst, she asks, but what would i be stressed about?

i cock a brow. the question is ridiculous, she knows.

emboldened, i have designated myself "the feelings counsellor." this has the immediate effect of my being inundated with a sluice of things i'd rather not hear. 

they want me to move back, they say.

it's time. i'm tired of this, debo tells me.

apparently i was given three years. apparently no one thought beyond that. apparently i have stayed too long and my time is up.

immediately i wonder if i was misguided in offering to be the receptacle of everyone's feelings. because i am a horrible coward. and because i feel very, very weak. i cannot find the boundaries of whatever it is i am in.

garebear thinks i do not appreciate what is coming. in thinking this, he does not appreciate the full extent of my imagination. that these are events for which i have been preparing for most of my life. since i sat next to joe in his 2-door 1983 chevy beauville sportvan and tried to figure out how, were he to die right then, i would save my 10-year-old self by taking control of the car.

for 35 years, i have been saving myself. i am under no illusions: i am a selfish bitch. because it feels like i have to be if i am to survive, to remain myself and to write.

in the weeks before his surgery, garebear became obsessed with a bible verse that read, in part, "have only faith." my aunt joked that he'd taken this a little too literally.

i am the only one. (i wonder sometimes if they wish there were another: a son with a traditional career and kids and control of his emotions.) 

i'm horrified by how many times i repeated the words of donald rumsfeld during this past week: 
Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones.
we do not know what will happen. we never do. 

when i go to see burvil, she has a list of assignments. first and foremost, we must go through the floral arrangements.

the cemetery where joe is buried has a policy that provokes much uproar. if a floral arrangement, no matter how pristine, has blown off the monument, it is discarded. defiant, in the immediate aftermath of joe's death, debo and burvil went dumpster-diving to salvage some of the newer arrangements. they'd big plans to up-cycle them. plans abandoned after about a year. the ambitions of grief often do not endure.

and so here we were, three and a half years later, with the mission of plucking the arrangements from the shed and returning them to the dumpster from which they'd once been saved. 

you could have a writing studio and teach at the community college, burvil tells me. 

there's vanderbilt, belmont, garebear says on the eve of his op.  

it is time, debo tells me, tears streaming down her face. your father won't live forever. taking in her feelings while shielding myself from the horrible burden of what they represent, i say nothing. 

i am the only one. we are only three.

we're in garebear's library. for some reason i can't remember, my parents start talking about pusheen. garebear wants to be able to use pusheen off facebook.

they are seated on opposite ends of the room, both of them on their phones. i run between them, helping them find the keyboard, run a search and insert pusheen images into their texts. 

debo is seated five feet from garebear as she sends him 27 consecutive images of pusheen. 

with the delivery of each one, he exclaims, GIRLS. THAT IS ENOUGH. 26 more times we go on.

when i told him i had to be in memphis, steven replied, of course, you do. you need to be there for your stories. 

do you remember that time i was going to have ear surgery and, before they took me back, you told me about the death of the ayatollah khomeini? i ask debo and garebear. they do not remember. i probably only remember due to the detail that the crowd knocked his body out of the coffin but i cannot accept that they do not remember. it seems somehow important. surely you must remember, i say.

we play solitaire differently, my parents and i. they stack descending alternating colors. i stack ascending cards of the same suite. 

where did you ever learn to play like that? garebear wonders, amazed, as he watches me abandon his way to play my way. 

it is just how i learned, i shrug.

i think i'm going to have feelings, debo tells me every time, apologetically, in that tone people use to announce that they are about to throw up in public. 

and she cries and we hug and do this really uncomfortable swaying like we're competing in a dance marathon in a movie and about to break up, thus forfeiting the competition.

by week's end, my hips will ache from all the swaying we have done.

FEEL THE SHIT. Squeeze the shit! this is what N wrote me last week. in the car home from burvil's, i tell debo that is our goal for the coming week. she is laughing and crying. i am filled with glee that i have gotten away with saying the word shit to my mother multiple times. 

she thought the cubs would win. superstitious, i said they wouldn't. i'd heard somewhere that the odds of the cubs coming back down three games to one were equivalent to donald trump's odds of winning the presidency. i told her this and we laughed.

(watching the cubs win, all i can think is: joe would've loved this game.)

the hospital plays a handful of notes from a lullaby over the PA system every time a baby is born. i was struck by that returning on wednesday, as i dashed to garebear's room in the interim between Her speech and the president's.

life goes on.

there was a scene in this is us a few weeks ago which has stuck with me.

i guess we let you go though, debo says. my mother wanted me to have opportunities she didn't have and i wanted that for you and so i can't be too upset when you seize them, take them. we wanted that for you. 

she says this at a time when i am more insecure in all of the risks i have taken than i have ever been.

we do not know what we're capable of until we do it. and we do not know what will happen until it does.

"desperate women gamble all"= the title of my first published academic article.

fez and i watch the election returns together. he curls on my chest like an infant, his head nuzzled under my chin, paw gripping a strand of my hair. his 13.4 pounds heavy on my chest, at times it is hard to breathe but i will not move him. for four straight hours, he purrs.

the following morning, debo texts that garebear is up and walking. i am watching Her speech.

all the little girls are watching. all the little girls are watching. all the little girls are watching. 

i don't know if it's the title of a chapter or a blog post or what but it sits in my mind on repeat for days.

on thursday, debo sends me to the grocery story and i wind up circling the neighborhood, killing time, listening to katy perry's "roar" on repeat and sobbing convulsively.

as a little girl, i always played first lady, never president. it was a failure of imagination, and also possibility.

there's this cultural assumption that women dress for other women. some weeks back in london, at the grocery store, there was a little girl standing in the frozen foods with her father. watching her watch me as i wove through the aisle in a pink fur coat and black patent boots, hair blazing, i realized that i do not dress for other women. i dress for little girls.

because i remember being one, and watching. that claustrophobic feeling of being hemmed in, hurt by so much stuff i was not yet old enough to understand, wanting so many things that simply seemed impossible and maybe also inappropriate to even want.

janet reno died the day before the election and i was impossibly sad. because i remember her. though i had not remembered that she was the first female attorney general.

there must always be a first. how overwhelming a burden that must be. how overwhelming a burden so much of this so often feels.

fez cannot roar but, when he doesn't have what he wants, he stands in the upstairs hallway and lets loose a long, plaintive cry that sounds exactly like a petulant child wailing NOOOOOOOOO.

i'm the mother, i'm supposed to be the strong one
, debo tells me as she wipes her nose on the dress i'll be wearing the next 24 hours. and i tell her we're all adults here. we are at liberty to fall apart.

what all those watching girls do not know is that we adults are just making it up as we go along.

what i know (take heart!) is that, one day, one of those girls will be the president of the united states.

in chicago, the evening sun spills inky across threatening clouds.

in london, as we touch down, twinkling lights pierce the dark of early morning.

you are a wonderful daughter, my father texts. you passed the test to take care of me in my old age! 

he is joking. but it is real. he has told me that if anything happens to my mother, he will need help.

how cruel that the arc of our lives puts parents in failing health just as their children are hitting their peak.

i am a horrible daughter because, returning to london, i feel only a tremendous sense of relief. and stronger.

things are still possible. i am still free. i am home.

the customs guy asks about my favorite book. i surprise myself by announcing that it is vanity fair. he prefers joyce. he asks if i like the romantics. i loathe the romantics but it seems the wrong time to bring up the metaphysicals so i mention keats. and he nods, knowing, and says quietly, almost as an aside, fanny brawne.

and i say, YES.

customs is cleared, the tube comes, the rain falls. there is cookie dough and fudge in my fridge and a nap in my future. i am writing again.

back in america, lights go on, lights go off. the men go to work, the kids cluster for the bus, the women pick up their papers, sheened with morning dew. the girls and boys are watching. the flags flutter, the cubs are world champions. burvil is in good spirits and debo's spot is healing. we do not know what will happen next but we keep on. garebear is home again, asleep in the chair in the library. the cat in his lap purrs.

04 November 2016

0 the manbun

garebear: caroline is wearing a manbun!

debo: that is not a manbun! it's just a bun!

garebear: a manbun! when i told her to be a man, i didn't mean for her to get a manbun!

debo: you men just think everything is about you!

01 November 2016

0 what is happening with heads this year?

30 October 2016

0 why does autumn always make me restless?

the other caroline is sitting on the toilet and i am sitting on the bed and we are having a conversation like normal about how restless we are.

in this instant, i realize (1) how incredibly small my flat is and (2) that this is the second time i have watched her pee in less than a week.

on thursday, we went out to virginia water. a place which sounded exotic and which we believed to be more than five miles from heathrow. neither of which exactly turned out to be true, but we got away and we frolicked in the fresh air and, for a couple of hours, we each of us felt a little less stuck than we've been feeling as of late.

as we walked out of a little spot of woods, she said, how many people do you think have had sex in there? 

to which i replied, and how many people do you think think we just had sex in there? 

because we had, in fact, peed in the forest, because the other caroline actually had to go while i just thought it would be interesting to pee on british soil. and so we emerged from the wood triumphant, with grins on our faces which may well have made it looked like we got laid rather than just emptied our bladders.

little things, small adventures. we take them as they come.