0 ghost

when we were having drinks the other week, the evening of the afternoon of the emotional kaboom that was my upgrade, somehow the conversation turned to ghosts. i'm not even entirely sure how. but at one point a friend turned to me and asked, do you believe in ghosts? and i said, no. quite firmly, definitely, because i don't.

at the opening keynote of the celebrity conference i've been at for the last four days, they played this:

and it was great and it was wonderful and it really emphasized the fact that celebrities can made us FEEL. these were the only five minutes of the keynote where i wasn't aware of the uncomfortable wooden pew necessitating a re-situating of my spine against the back so my bra clasp wouldn't grind into my skin.

i don't know if it came during or in the after. the need to discuss this video- this appearance of greta gerwig with arcade fire directed by spike jonze at an awards show last year- with donovan. i only know that by friday morning that need was very, very great.

this is the thing about loss, the thing i'm trying to somehow get into the jackiebook. the fact that it is a rolling wave come to get you. on random days, in random things, for no reason at all, suddenly there it is, so near.

it's not a presence, but an absence. though i wonder if this is where ghosts come in. because it's astonishing how close they come: presence and absence. is it just mistaking as present that which is gone?