03 May 2012

0 april: a revue

"the euthanasia lady goes over to the house tonight at 7."

"it was like mary and joseph looking for an inn, except instead of having the baby jesus, we lit up."

"those fake raybans are the shit."

"in things i cannot write from my work email, i totally called in late to work so i could have sex this morning."

"not so much that as simply years of observational knowledge acquired from attending a university consistently rated in the Playboy Top Ten Party Schools."

"awkward = material. at least there's that."

"as for the chinese food, my god, i would totally destroy an all-you-can-eat buffet right now."

"please note, i have not successfully kept a living plant alive since 2009, but lowes now has $50 of my money, and i have a kitchen full of flower bulbs."

"he merely knows i've seen him in the itty bitty running shorts. he does not know just how much they worked in his favor." 

"kate winslet's breasts have a problem with authority."

"i'm excited. there will be devastation, and it will be coming off of the screen into our faces."

"he was disappointed in himself for neglecting his role in helping your writing grow."

"the book suffers from some of the worst literary schizophrenia i've encountered, and mind you, i have a master's degree in slavic literature."

"but seriously, drinking and whistling and having sex? not a bad day."

"i mean, its more upcoming than, say, christmas?"

"OMG overwhelming hilair."

"i am so looking forward to this season of your mother."

"we had a lovely evening of spouse and child."

"if nothing else, i always have the logic that you could use one of your dates as writing material."

"and... how does this affect what you will wear???"

"in things i should probably mention so that we can blow them up out of proportion..."

"i could serve such purpose."

"i blame the toddler. i covet your drunk bird."

"obviously, you know i applaud any and all sex you are having."

"burgers for breakfast!!! how is this not something that people do all the time????"

" this is probably tmi, but in yoga this morning i was directly behind a man that OVERWHELMINGLY smelled of dirty, sweaty balls."

"i keep leaking the sad out before bed & first thing in the morning, and then i’m good for the day."

"and he got a dog too so he's been bonding with her."

"may the old navy gods shine upon you with such favor."

"i went straight from my dead dog to your thighs."

"i’ll sneak in little cries here and there, and that way my sad can leak out appropriately."

"so we all did the obvious sunday evening family activity and took the kids to an irish pub."

"DANGIT. yes. the brown probe part."

"you, being an only child, cannot know the sort of horror in realizing that a conversation about S&M fan fiction reminded you to go online (to DICK's sporting goods, no less) to buy something for your older brother, and for that, i am a teensy bit jealous."

"i need to get directions for all my dinners!"

"i feel like a really bad screenwriter is in charge of our life story, wherein he/she can never put all of the necessary pieces into play for us to actually be together."

"if phish plays, it's hippie."

"can't believe I've been 21 for a decade now!"

"asheville is that lover i visit once or twice a year."

"thanks for letting me menstruate all over the bottom-half of this email."

"i think the non-private bathroom and 3-in-a-king-sized-bed took our friendship to a new level, but i don't know that it needs to go beyond that." 

"what benefit will we gain by going to the naked yoga level?" 

"and how did i not know that steven hates hippies??"

"he got grilled cheese. it was probably his first encounter with velveeta."

"i don’t really see them as a couple who would tweet “THREE CM!! HERE WE GO!!”"

"my throat is all 'um, hello. i am a fragile creature. give me whiskey & honey.' (neither of which i have at work.)"
"why do you not have whiskey at work?"

"not really loving the cloud right now."

"jesus is judging your wonky bolt-ons."

"if the uterus is an onion..."

"it's a catch-2012."

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