30 March 2012

0 march: a revue

"bows and arrows caused everyone to be out of sorts."

"my canadian penpal birnsy's irish friend's irish friend."

"homosexuality isn't santa."

"there is a sad lack of kirk cameron news today. this has forced me to confront the fact that he has recently been the highlight of my days."

"i'm glad to hear feeling is returning to your feet. i was deeply concerned about the potential of frostbite in this 40 degree weather."

"OH! she is blah! i know blah!"

"your use of an emoticon relays the significance of the situation."
"you know, i think that emoticon was more indicative of my enthusiasm for getting up to pee after finishing that sentence than of my desire for therapy."

"the best part by far is the non-linear follow-up facebook message."

"i just got so giddy over her arms that i forgot to look at her boobs."

"when did we age out of boob-envy into arm-envy?"

"who exactly were the couples of 90210?"

"like, i could take that much money, and spend it on something so… not natural. i dunno."
"you DID have all your leg hair removed in 2004. just saying."

"i honestly do not see how that can get any better."

"remember your lent! you promised to JESUS."

"i’d, like, hike them back up. or something."
"i'm very curious about what the 'or something' would be in this context."

"i feel like that should be a new party game... come up with some crazy sentence, to be followed up with 'it was like niagra falls came to town.'"

"i’ma say it: last night, i rocked at being a mom. usually that is not the case."

"things that are true- nugget trays are not cheap."

"i love that it involved butter."

"how do you feel about the word 'guac'? this seems like something that would be offensive to your ears."

"and will you be making out with people while there?"

"my exploded microwave still hasn't been discarded, so the dishwasher will obviously have to wait its turn."

"in a very non-paula deen way, of course."

"tell me about your snacks!"

"it's maybe not the best thing to be kissing strange men on park benches."
"mother, that makes me sound like a hooker! and it was by the river, not on the park bench."

"it could be a new musical: 'So Many Things Happened While I Was In Warsaw!'"

"dammit, kotacka. now i want a hot dog."

"but, as many a gay man has sung before me, i will survive!"

"i think a full half of THE ENTIRE WORLD would like to work with his penis."

"i just need you to know- i'm awesome at elections."
"so i feel all cute and full of guacamole."

" i suppose it's time to admit. i'm a 30-year-old single woman. yes, i have sex toys."

"my theory is that all the cobblestones are simply my people's way of getting back at all the other peoples who felt it necessary to rule over them for all those centuries: 'come visit/invade/overrule our beautiful country/sovereign nation/democratically elected government? sure, but then we will make your/your children's/your grandchildren's shoes and calves pay.'"

"so...the polish just went and took it?"

"i feel that is a sentence that would not make my mother proud."

"please describe your bagels with detail."

"we are EXPERIENCING things! with you!"

"what an incredibly disappointing lack of soup!"

" try to wear something that won't result in your boobs hanging out, because while you have every right to wear such things and expect to be treated with dignity while doing so, maybe at this juncture you may be better served by a more conservative neckline."

"how does one find a sex toy? google?"

"it has almost been 2 years since THE STRAWBERRY CAKE OF OUR LIVES. this is not right."

"i was thinking today, do you realize we’re less than 1 year away from having known each other for TWENTY YEARS? you entered my life in January of ’93, correct?"

"i forget that our parents’ generation relies WAY more on taste than health."

"first the opera and now being a board member? i'm not sure we can be friends. you may have just matured far out of my range."

"fyi, you've now been deemed my Partner in Wanton Hilarity."

"i am going to tell you to refer to kelly's wanton dress and say that no matter how you dress/act-without-realizing, 'no' means 'no'."

"you smile. you're polite. you're charming. all these things are wonderful and make you YOU. but you still control your hula hoop."
"turn off the fucking boom-box and go home!"

"that does not look like a place i want to go to be touched."

"that's what happens when you leave the country! i go to dinner without you."

"so be careful when walking down damen. it has been thoroughly peed upon."

"it's not that you're immature. just that you're free-spirited enough that i wouldn't say you're older than 25."

"she's way too hip. i bet she watches the office all the time."

"just because you don't believe in the whimsy of mother nature..."

"i will date a girl from wisconsin, but i won't go there."

"yeah, but do you know how uncomfortable smelly shoes are?"

"egyptian women are very beautiful. in my experience they all look..."
"like pharoh's wife?"

"i was a badass when i was 6."

"he can wear a pair of underwear, dang him."

"oh, there's the one black guy."

"first of all, i genuinely cried during dolphin's tail..."
"i'm just uncomfortable about this."

"there's a guy with big glasses and a girl with big glasses, probably neither of which have prescriptions."

"it was a really tender intellectual bonding moment."

"i mean, we're at rainbo. i could throw a rock and hit a guy who'd say, 'i've got mad vinyl.'"

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