10 January 2012

9 today, in things you'd not even dreamed of to ask for but which i am, nonetheless, going to do for you: a close "reading" of 90210, season 2, episode 26, the cameo by COLOR ME BADD



so, in 199(um... 2? 3?) this was a huge, big deal. you would've been super excited.

because of this guy.


who has the face of bradley whitford and the hair of kenny g. 

but wait, you don't like men with perms? how about men with flowing locks and wearing tank tops?



ohmygod, HOT. right? right?! just look at that armpit hair. damn, the virility.


so these men who want us to color them badd (whatever the hell that means) are Fashionable in the most egalitarian of ways. they support pants of all lengths.

(color me badd group halloween costume = best idea ever)


they're also adept at finding treasure chests laid out in plain view on a beach. mad skillz.


lookit. we're in the peach pitt with david and kelly and brenda and donna.


and this is donna martin's favorite video/song ever in the history of ever and she really don't care if you don't like it. 

(btw, david and donna were just destined to be together, non? just check out the compatibility of those prints.)

so... twenty minutes pass and it's raining and all the boys except david are at the walsh's waiting for the stripper they've hired for the afternoon to come over with her boombox and take it all off in jim and cindy's living room. in the meantime, david and the girls are kicking hijinx at the bel age hotel trying to hook up with the hott guys of color me badd.

y'know, this guy.


[pause: so, early 90s standards of beauty? wow. right? play...]

kelly so wants to hit that.


then she and color me badd guy go back to the color me badd suite. 

where we meet this dude.


gold chain? check.
track suit? check.
earring(s?)? check. 
chest hair? check.

people, this is the man our friend david silver only dreams he could be.


and he's so happy!!! 

in spite of the windpants, i heart him. at this exact moment, all his color me baddmates are doing a deeply shitty job of expressing the celebrity's conundrum re: celebrity by bitching to kelly about how being celebrities totally harshes their fun but they totally can't complain about it because they also, like, really love it and it's kind of totally what they wanted all along so they're really not complaining but it kinda sorta also really sucks when you can't go to the mall without being bothered. 

but then there's this dude. and he is just really loving him some perrier. 


but then their bitching brings him down.

so i should mention, donna martin's had a really bad day. she caught her mom- who a mere episode or two ago led the fight in keeping condoms out of west beverly high- canoodling with some random pretty boy in the hallway of the hotel while BAREFOOT. so she obviously had The Sex. 

felice! for shame. 

so donna's sad because she never met color me badd and she fought with her slutty mother. but then david and brenda came and made her go to the peach pitt and guess who, like, totally showed up? you know they did.


and you know they sang.


and is donna excited?


not so much. but her response is more understandable when you consider this:


and this:


fin.
p.s.








9 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG do more of these.

And I think the superfluous 'D' in Color Me Badd might very well stand for "Damn, the virility."

oline said...

be careful what you wish for!

Katie C said...

Um. done. we just need to find 2 more people and we are SO being color me badd next year- I totally have the overalls for it somewhere... navy pier won't know what hit itt.
yeah. that extra t was on purpose. ha!

oline said...

i'm pretty confident k.lo could be coerced...

who would you be??? i think we could style your hair like armpit guy. mind you, i'm not saying you look like armpit guy or that your hair does, just that with much work it could be styled to be evocative of his.


oooo! oooo! can i be mustachioed chest hair dude? pretty please?!?!

and i only just realized armpit guy is tracksuit guy with a haircut. so much for my "close" reading.

jmillewitz said...

felice! for shame.

kit said...

i once took a picture with them when they visited my country a very very looooong time ago. umm...don't know why....maybe as you said their virility and sexy hair (everywhere) style hehe... i couldn't find the pic :(

Clark MF Price said...

There was a time that my brother said that CMB was better than Nirvana. It was then that I started questioning my brother's taste. I always thought that they looked like a bunch of creepers.

oline said...

kit, i feel like when the option to have a picture taken with CMB arises, that's something there's really no option to not do. bravo!

and c, would that there were a world where CMB were perceived as being better than nirvana. i wouldn't want to live there, but i'd like to visit.

Clark MF Price said...

If there was a world where CMB was perceived as being better than Nirvana, I would have my brain put into a robot body and start The Great Robots vs Humans War there.