31 January 2012

1 january: a revue

"so last night the spinach caught fire in the microwave."
"this, of all things, makes me wish i was in the same city as you. we should be setting our dinners on fire together."

"your subconscious is being a jerk right now."

"like the heart, home is where the lindear is"

"there. life = solved. eh?"

"i'd know those blue walls anywhere."

"i applaud your staying in bed."

"she has roommates? that seems like the kind of annoyance that should only be endured by college students."

"these children are germ farms."

"i applaud your sleeping in."
"i'm starting to question the legitimacy of your applause at this point."

"we went to see our friend read aloud in public! on a stage! before a crowd! it was just like anne of green gables."

"elvis. did you go last sunday? what a question....forgive me. of course you went. how was it?"

"this is just like the movie with morgan freeman."

"for a woman who's had so many plastic surgeries, she still looks good."

"if there's one woman in the world for me, it would be dolly parton."

"the only thing i love more than felicity is the gilmore girls."

"you've never cried as much as when you watch a walk to remember... and i'm a straight guy."

"anything with parents and family and children or a pet and i just tear up."


"no one even wooed."

"it tasted more like tropical than tennessee."

"i think if i were 30 or 40 years older, i could be an elvis groupie."

"my biggest issue with this is that there's no way in hell someone could do that kind of spending (two weeks at the flamingo in vegas, buying all kinds of dinners & corsets & garters, etc.) on the salary of a middle school teacher."

"nobody died! well... i mean, when they did they expired in victorian ways off-screen."

"what i wouldn't do for a short-term story at the moment."

"because, you know, fulfilling a masochistic rape fantasy as part of losing your virginity is really the best way to become a megastar in the evangelical preacherly world."

"i think my armageddon isn't scheduled until december of this year. so until then, you know, live your best days."

"oh. and his facial structure matches that of rob lowe nearly exactly."

"i love you but you have never ever sounded more stalkerish than in those three sentences about our dear friend's womb."

"hector found some pictures of corporate gift situations and he's sending them right over."

"it was just nice to wake up and talk to someone about the queen for an hour."

"i love that your life is peppered with podcasts."

"think you’ll see your kissing friend while you’re in france?"

"she obviously doesn’t care how she looks, or she wouldn’t be making out with diddy at industry parties in the first place."

"i imagine that you and jon stewart share a lot of guests."

"it probably does look a bit ridiculous because, admittedly, it is ridiculous."

"that is not dating. it's just prolonged awkward."

"omg, why do i know heidi klum's favorite day of the year?"

"and then i was all 'what is carbon monoxide? i should google it.'" 

"i realized i'm now 30. which was completely shocking regardless of the fact that it happened last may."

"being a grown up is not my fave."

"its like we needed to have all the weathers in one day."

"it may be that all she can do is open your blog, read the contents, and then collapse against her pregnancy pillow."

"i knew that would make you count your lucky childless stars."

"have you seen rupert evrette's new face? he looks like a madame tussaud's version of kevin klein."

"it's an All Weathers In One Day MIRACLE!!!"

"hey, what does green and yellow snot mean?"
"NO. i refuse to believe that."
"that, or you have tropical skittles up your nose."
"that answer i will accept."

"see, you're in the city, while i'm in the suburbs. therefore, i would have known how to respond if you'd said 'sup?'"

"i'm somewhat enjoying my walk through campus more than our rendezvous."

"please know that your blog caused me to get up for a bathroom trip for the sole purpose of seeing how short 'second-knuckle length' is."

"that's the literary equivalent of finding a severed toe in your soup."

"i just feel really bad for her husband now that i know that she slept with this dude. i mean, i felt really bad for him when i slept with her..."

"you do know that all of this 'SURPRISE'ing is going to come back to bite you in the butt one day when i just yell SURPRISE at you out of my bully-ing and then you pee your pants."

"p diddy? i will never see the attraction. if for no other reason than ...HE’s THE FACE OF DILLARD’s."

"so we really just had a core conflict about geography."

"that's another thing about new york: there were a lot of determined looking asian girls."

"today is all about surviving, until i can get on a plane and crash."

"DON'T eat the cookie dough egg roll. it's full of dissapointment and lies."

"and wait. how many men was it in 2011?"

"that is how serious my life is... i don't even have time for the new yorker."

1 comment:

jmillewitz said...

"p diddy? i will never see the attraction. if for no other reason than ...HE’s THE FACE OF DILLARD’s."