30 December 2011

4 december: a revue


"a life of extravagant, victorian misery seems to be the dream of the vast majority of steampunk adherents and newsies fans."

"i think it's a bit much to be asked to consider people for whom- without having met them- i have already made the joke 'can you take me to the pot of gold?'"

"it's pretty much like you guys are c.s. lewis and tolkein and whoever else it was that they would sit and discuss their writings with."

"don't scream 'fire' in this theatre, caroline..."

"it's like we're in a vortex of awesome and we've been living there all year."

"i can only fight with my emotions, not with my hands."

"someone impregnated you. why are you taking your own pregnant belly pictures?"

"occasionally ian ziering looks hot. granted, it's rare and usually his head is covered."

"she tasted like whiskey and puke and neither of those sounds good."
"she also had a tattoo."

"oh my god, oline, she is after your heart with that wackadoo outfit."

"there is a woman in here whom i would characterize as egyptian hipster."

"your first visual cue of whether somebody smells bad is whether they have dreadlocks."

"the only thing worse than skunk is reverse skunk."

"you know what's awesome? the fact that any song from four years ago sounds so hip now."

"there's only one state i'd never date a girl from and that's georgia."

"his face just has the dimensions of being weird."

"she put up a convincing argument. she said, 'i wanna have sex with your cock.'"

"jeopardy will call! even though i haven't applied, they will realize that i know my shit."

"that girl is way too stevie nicks slutty for him."

"as a man who attracts older women, i'm totally proud of him."

"for having dreadlocks, he's really attentive."

"i don't think that blazer goes with anything unless you are elvis."

"it's his best performance outside the transformers movies."

"oline, how much do i cost?"

"do you think it's too mayan?"

"that's the holy grail of hip. he probably knows a whole lot about french literature."

"i've had nowhere to put my smart ass."

"we are on trend with our whole boot/tight issue tonight."

"you should go talk to him because maybe he'll invite you back to his place to listen to some rare vinyl."

"i'm assuming her low immune system didn't react well to my pneumonia."

"i did, however, while drunk, meet a girl from tennessee and also a girl who looked like six from blossom."

"those guys were like, 'we're going to bring in d.b. sweeney for some star power.'"
"yeah, he was totally brought in for sweeps."

"if you dress like richard dreyfuss, should you really be hanging out in a bar?"

"should i cook a turkey? i have a turkey. should i cook it?"

 "sunday afternoon is FAMILY CHRISTMAS, which will be laden with noise, sugar, and video games."

 "is it still creepy? or has it morphed into 'agreeable'?"

"it is best described as a very odd black sequin dress from cache (and yes, i'm speaking of the tacky store in the mall filled with clothes specially designed for the demographic of ladies over 40 who go to clubs)."

"tell me more about this feast."

"there's wanton and then there's *wanton*."
"leg slit = mid to upper thigh. so i think it's safe to go with *wanton*."
"i think i respect you even more now that i know it was *wanton*."

"nose vaseline!!! OMG!!! best thing ever!"

"i will be wearing sequins. but not THE sequins."

"i am interested to see how this goes with those beans."

"he may not even be there but if he is, if nothing else, i will dwarf him."

"you can't really do a good liquor store run when you are toting a child."

"but come on, seriously, the gnome thing is pretty awesome in its own way."

"so i guess the answer to your question of what i will be doing for new year's eve is eating potatoes."

"we're not crazy! we're just incredibly complicated."

"you bet your sweet wanton ass i'm downloading that." 

"life needs more creatively frozen water to keep it whimsical."

"illness diet is OVAH. i want a sugary treat!" 

"new year's eve... you're either trying to make yourself better or forget what just happened."

"i think it's the opportunity to be accidentally wanton that i've been lacking, for midwestern modesty can be a rough thing to overcome."

"if you don't want to read graphic descriptions of kinky sex, don't read these stories."

"i applaud your potatoes."

"i'm really banking on last night's serendipity-at-the-cantina."

"face it, oline, you're out of the great gatsby most of the time."


4 comments:

jmillewitz said...

So much awesome Jim.

mak said...

So much awesome wantonness.

Osutein said...

Was the c.s. lewis and tolkien quote about NLB? Because if so, we're gonna have to fight over who gets to not be c.s. lewis

oline said...

yep, it was. so wait... nobody wants to be c.s. lewis? or everybody wants to be c.s. lewis?