30 November 2011

1 november: a revue



"be prepared, snotskirt, for a little TMI."

"mcrib is not a sandwich. it's a practical joke gone too far with bread."

"one doesn't growl in the hokey pokey!"

"something that is AMAZING is how one small chick flick (he's just not that into you) could speak so much truth into the world."

"i'm 30, white, single and ghost hunting. oh, how much i need to move to The City!!!!!"

"i generally do not trust movies with that many overly famous people in it... but i mean, sometimes it works, right?"

"its almost comical how much just having a coat with a hood that is made for rain and fits you correctly can change your perspective on weather and getting out the door in the morning."

"anyone who is deemed 'too thin' for something clearly deserves a cinnamon roll."

"this is like shakespeare wrote a break-up poem."

"i don't want my sperm in my mouth unless i put it there."

"i feel like an adult in this situation, which is very exciting, but there's also the fact that MY MOTHER IS HAVING SEX AGAIN."

"oh and uh, speaking of anal pleasures..."

"it's getting dark already. i forgot that would be happening."

"are you progressing toward being meatless?"

"we eat at 6:30. so, t-minus a zamillion hours."

"my lust for sausage sounded a little gross there."

"where did we put you?"

"i feel like we are on the verge of this being the food equivalent of a 900# service."

"this is what happens when you walk through another department that is celebrating a birthday."

"isn’t she glitter and wonderfulnessity?"

"i've been bizarrely emotional about it and led the fight for him to have cake."

"now, tell me what a (relatively) NORMAL thirty year old did over the weekend!"
"um... it frightens me that i am the relatively normal thirty year old in your world."

"finally, it was figured out."

"so is he pretentious? or just anti-oprah?"

"so this is a dress i would wear to work but never on a date."

"remember that boobs from afar always look better than boobs from owner-view."

"like, it is long enough, but it is butt snug."

"it probably doesn’t help that you’re extra 'my parents are not immortal' right now because of your dad’s nose."

"am i just emo or is this really moving?"

"if i can put active cultures into my body, i totally win."

"it looks vaguely arab. so that's fun."

"have you recovered from your father’s breakfast?"

"but alas i'm not in high school (and she's not justin bieber.) "

"denial is my favorite form of coping. is it the healthiest form of coping? probably not. but still."

"i feel this is just going to be a lot of 'eh', 'oh geez', 'god, why?' and 'well, what can you do.'"
"yes. and what better expresses that than a mustache?"

"i feel like this was a weekend where i was VERY single and you were VERY grownup."
"can we freaky friday ourselves so i can have the 'dancing in the club' weekend?"

"the unsteamy dates are always WAY more memorable than steamy ones. unsteamies are stories for life!"

"did i ever tell you how strange it is to see you write with capital letters? so surreal. it's like the perfect metaphor of being all grown up!"

"i was like, 'you're either deaf or foreign.'"

"it was pre-riots and post-war."

"cutting it in half was the hardest part for me as i'm a single woman and have no real cutlery."

"there are times when i wonder, 'why did you wrap that?'"

"it is obviously not on the scale of your having been on your deathbed while your child played unsupervised, but still."

"if you're checking your email in heaven..."

"i may be pulling that out of my bottom. but it sounds legit, right?"

"i feel like a good set of knives should be an Adult Goal for you. but then again, i guess the first goal is to accomplish platonic cooking."

"and it is AWESOME that steven will wedding-date you!!"

"like i have friends who can afford $250 necklaces! we can barely afford $20 burgers."

"if anything, middle school was far simpler."

"use of word 'masticating' = DEAL BREAKER."

"oh, i've heard this song in the clubs. by which i mean urban outfitters."

"i had a minor emotional breakdown over this last week after driving thirty minutes to an advertised 'the foodie store in northwest arkansas' and finding that it was a gas station convenience store that still sold wonder bread in the gourmet bakery."

"dying is definitely terrible – i am sorry it happened to you!"

"this is very close to an episode from the beginning of the season, where claire gets a night out."
"i do not know what any of that means."

"even in the canine community, the girl's regarded as a slut."

1 comment:

jmillewitz said...

"my lust for sausage sounded a little gross there."

I can relate.