06 September 2011

4 the only available response is fuck

i'm "oline" because i once dated "ovan."

we're over five years in here and somehow i've not yet mentioned this.

donovan and caroline. we lived together in memphis. after he dumped me during a rogue wave concert so he could go out with a waitress, i fled to chicago.

because he drunk-dialed me for months after, we didn't speak for years.

donovan is very sick. he calls from the hospital.

i'm doing laundry. i sit on the floor and lean against the dryer.

donovan is very sick and there is no one to share this news with. no one who will get it. it's hard enough to explain a relationship to someone who is not in it. it's even harder to explain the relationship that develops after the relationship ends.

we didn't speak again, donovan and i, until that awful winter before last, when partner was so sick and my grandfather was in the hospital and everything was all wrong.

i wasn't sleeping or eating and had watched bright star every evening after work for five nights in a row. donovan was moving from denver to mississippi, driving the whole way.

he asked if he could call. over the course of eight emails, we established that he could and that, when he did, i would answer. 

it's funny, how relationships change. how the details that once seemed so important slip away and what you're left with is a handful of conversations on a few winter nights. 

he said, "hi oline" and i said, "hi, ovan," though i had not called him that in years.

there are people who are a part of us always. they are fundamental.

i am oline in this city because of him.




4 comments:

Linda said...

you're right on that response.

Osutein said...

I'm sorry to hear about his sickness. And beautifully said, as always.

The Whiffer said...

yes, very beautifully said x

Lara Ehrlich said...

Oh, my Oh. Lovely and heartbreaking.