02 May 2011

10 there are things that happen and then there are things that only happen to me

outside of my relationship with jmills, detroit and i have never really gotten along. it boasts the only airport in which i have ever had to spend the night and i have done so multiple times.

i was in detroit for 22 hours. given that during 6 of those 22 i was repeatedly hit on by a dude wearing hawaiian-print, you would think that would've been The Story to have emerged from this trip. but no. no. 

it was the goose. 

because i overslept and due to our decorator's irresponsibly premature arrival onsite, i awoke at an unreasonably early hour on monday morning only to find that i was already an hour behind. 

i've mentioned i don't drive much. by which i mean barely at all. to an extent that i no longer really can drive and yet the memory of being able to do so is fresh enough that i approach it with the overconfidence of the deeply ungifted.

but it's 5:45 a.m. and i'm not thinking about any of this. i'm not even really thinking. so it's no wonder that i don't see the goose that i'm about to kill.

i do not know the road rules that apply when one has killed an avian of foreign nationality and considerable size in a rental car in a city where one does not live and is already an hour late. using all the logic available to me at 5:45 a.m., i assumed there were no rules. and i made one up. 

i hit and ran. 

this was morally reprehensible, i know. i know. but, as we are learning, there are some things i simply cannot do. flying a plane is one of them. confronting vehicular bird murder in 4" heels is apparently another.


Linda said...

eeeek!!! bird karma!

you're totally going to get pooped on.

Les Savy Ferd said...

if anyone is allowed to commit avian hit and run its you, O. Canadian Geese are a pox. Big, arrogant, stupid birds.

and I love birds.

I still think that the hundreds that fester the bike path from the convention center south should be rounded up, deep fried and served to folks around christmas.

But apparently Canadian Geese don't taste well. Also, and this bears more to your situation, IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL ANY MIGRATORY BIRD.

"Canadian Geese are protected up above the 49 parallel, it is illegal to shoot, or maliciously injure one of these birds, but accidents happen, if reported to the authorities (M.N.R.), all is forgiven, but any attempt to hide a "accident", would be deemed as an illegal act and carries fines for sure, and possible imprisonment."

jmillewitz said...

I ask again! Where were you!!! how did you hit a goose with in the city limits? Bell Isle?

jmillewitz said...

Novi, makes way more sense. They have stupid things like geese.

oline said...

so maybe there needs to be a correction to my bio in the hypothetical "did you know?" box of sensei's norton anthology entry: jailed, incontinent and riddled with mouth cancer.

and i feel like the "did you know?" box of sensei's norton anthology entry is the new evil man smells baby stabs snowman.

Les Savy Ferd said...

tell me more of this "did you know?" box. I'm unfamiliar.

oline said...

ah yes. this arose in the naked lady bar after i had a paper accepted wherein the acceptance letter was directed to fath caroline eaton, and sensei was bemoaning the fact that it wasn't fat caroline eaton because THEN, the "did you know?" box of his norton anthology entry could be that he knew fat caroline eaton and did you know, fat caroline eaton was not fat.

what i love about this is two-fold. 1) that we are now actively thinking in terms of our norton anthology entries. and 2) that i don't know what it says about me that i've only ever considered mine norton anthology entry as being sensei's "did you know?"

Anonymous said...

i want my entry to be two words:

"consummate professional"

mostly because it sounds really classy while saying absolutely nothing. Whereas I am not entirely classy and say a bit about everything.

Osutein said...

Oh, I always thought the "did you know?" entry about Fat Caroline Eaton not being fat would be under your norton anthology entry, not mine. Like there's a big subject header that reads "Fat Caroline Eaton" and below that are five paragraphs and some citations about your life and career as a famous biographix, and then, in the margins, the "Did You Know?" box that reads, simply, "Fat Caroline Eaton was not actually fat." Though, as you say, now "She hated birds so much she once murdered a goose in cold blood" will need to be added.

The "Did You Know?" entry for me is, "Did you know the H. in Austin H. Gilkeson stands for 'Handsome'? Because it doesn't."

oline said...

i feel like we need a special volume of the norton dedicated to naked lady bar "did you know?"