28 February 2011
6 february: a revue
"this suddenly brings to mind an evening when i came to meet you and partner at her house, and i came in to find you with linked arms, twirling around the room to the music from the 'lower class' scene in titanic."
"i don't think heroin makes a sound, but if it did, that's what the show sounded like."
"i walked to work wearing a cream-coloured face mask. i looked like some big vanilla rapist."
"are you blizzed?"
"i feel like johnny weir would approve of this -- and therefore so must i."
"crap good crap. not crap bad crap."
"why is milwaukee awkward?"
"nothing says dessert like beets."
"white girls wander into some funny places."
"my other question is the internal struggle of a vegan who has a fetish for leather sex toys..."
"yes, i won an award at a young age."
"i'm too old to wear cherries."
"hi sky, please don't throw up on us again."
"i'm going through my yearly quarter-life crisis."
"most normal people only have one josh and katie in their lives."
"but i'm glad to know his lima beans are prepared."
"it does sometimes feel as though you are always on the verge of getting side-bangs."
"and yes, clearly this will lead to the world of sex wigs."
"for some reason, i wouldn't think to do that with fruit."
"i have no idea what to expect from this rendez-vous, but what i do know for certain is that we will not resemble an anthropolgie catalog."
"my chick-fil-a sensors must have been thrown off by the parisian theologian."
"or are you all sorts of considerate and did that already?"
"ooh, it moves! i didn’t realize that."
"i will. once i have used up my bleach boxes."
"come with me, my dear, into 2011. or 2007 at the very, very least."
"we're not 'there' yet, but we're much closer."
"what? gossip girl, or fifteenth century cleavage?"
"i was thinking about renting it from the library..."
"falafel is like the adult version of hush puppies."
"she's thinking, 'i wanna blow this popsicle stand.' i think that ALL the time."
"i find that trying to sound normal makes me sound as though i’m in a high school drama troupe’s improvisational riff on mad men."
"this place has candelabras. hell yes, we're going."
"have fun with the thorn birds. keep your thoughts pure!"
"yeah, but you can't have body odor and you have to have sheets."
"that guy is wearing a lot of rosaries."
"i have hopes, but they aren't confined to a chest or to linens."
"i love that their name is taco and yet they have four windows telling us that they have authentic mexican food."
"we were so young and innocent back when we went to aurora."
"you just built a story and tore it down."
"so what you're saying is that biblical times were nothing like the 90s? they weren't wearing WWJD bracelets in the upper room?"
"i'm pretty sure he really wants to date the shit out of me."
"he's the hottest socialist I've ever seen."
"i don't believe i've ever had conversations about jackie prior to meeting you."
"we have a hot vagina date on saturday!"
"but i do feel that my life would be infinitely better right now if there were falafel in it."
"i'm not jewish, but my name is on the building."
"i think i may have to meet you at the masonic center."
"i have always wanted to know what they do at these things. i wonder if they start out with a ritual sacrifice to the muses."
"we'll have to masquerade as people accustomed to public speaking. maybe we should converse with each other in booming tones?"
"i think our booming conversation should be about sex toboggans."
"i would like to look like grace kelly and spend the entire day with my lover, who left his career as an english professor to be a billionaire."
"it has nothing to do with my intelligence level. it has to do with your nerves and how close they are to your skin."
"days like these call for a cheeseburger."
"OMG, your ethan frome totally makes you adam sandler at the beginning of the wedding singer!!!"
"because i've never seen the wedding singer that makes no sense to me, but i think i get what you are saying."
"maybe 'life changes' is too strong a word since that puts it on par with menopause..."
"i don't think i could understand a word she said, but she seemed to be in good spirits."
"when you become a famous biographer in a wig and with a fake name, will your public persona fly planes?"
"i'm like 'oh my god, if they do a DNA swab...'"
"do young girls always break out in song?"
"but does one with a heart of gold do that? sell other people's vaginas?"
"it was $99. which is so much less than $100."
filed under: soundbites