"aren't the japanese famous for drinking too much in professional situations?"
"that is all i want for christmas: his dirty, savage, brutal, bloody, murder."
"i mean, i am being violently hyperbolic, but i'm not the only one."
"i just spent the whole night praying for death."
"yeah, that's a work party."
"someone finish a thought. please."
"it's a sheet and a hole and all of a sudden there's genitals there."
"it pisses me off when people say there is someone for everyone. people get hit by buses and i wonder, 'who's that person's soul mate?!'"
"but i feel this is kind. in the way that God is kind."
"you seem like a good person, but i have the chance to fuck you now and i don't feel that bad."
"he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would do a lot of sushi, like... in his regular life."
"i repeat the maneuver."
"start with the dream, man. start with the dream."
"you have a lot of googling to do."
"thomas kinkade's very existence is like shitting on the statue of liberty."
"it's like what my ancestors dreamed of as they were pulling pigs from the shitholes of scotland- maybe one day we will live in a shitty cottage in a wood by a lane. and thomas kinkade can make that happen."
"it's always that fucking cottage. why? i mean, did he lose his virginity in that cottage?"
"i want to say janeane garafalo but what i mean is georgia o'keefe."
"this is the thing about thomas kinkade. he and hitler painted the same shit. he was worse than hitler... at least in art."
"and that's the american dream: we all just wind up being white people."
"dude, what is that?"
"it looks like an udder."
"of course, you know what i'm getting at here... black people."
"it's just best buy following the white people out of town like a beacon of hope."
"that's what the midwest does. it's so flat, there's nowhere for history to hide."