31 December 2010

6 december: a revue

"fyi, headbands are not an investment piece."

"if your google reader were a person, i would totally have a drink with it."

"back problems are for lonely virgins."

"every man i would date is old enough to be my dad. or dead."

"i think when this starts becoming in style, i will jump off the fashion wagon and embrace Mom Jeans."

"throwing a party is like hitting a piñata. or at least as i imagine hitting a piñata would be as i've never actually hit one."

"the surprise was made all the more interesting when i misread 'magician' as 'michigan' and thought you would be whisked away to detroit."

"i'm going to say that of all my friends, you make the most sense."

"i don't do well with crying."

"there are certain qualities about the vieve that make me think she might be electronic."

"listen, i'm going to get smitted, so i really need your support right now."

"i learned that i hate dueling pianos almost as much as john cougar mellencamp. presumably, dueling pianos playing 'jack & diane' would be my kryptonite."

"what happened is there's a rind there."

"he would have broken my heart and/or driven me completely insane in a way i just can't handle right now."

"i mean, have you ever met a girl named sapphire who wasn't taking her clothes off professionally?"

"when he puts it in the context of 'at sporting events', that really limits the options."

"that’s kind of having your cake and showing your birth canal, too."

"i realize i like the disney channel but i'd like to think overall i'm fairly mature- or at least fun enough that it can be overlooked."

"love is happening! get her on the plane!"

"you don't want to find out bad news from the stove."

"he's an afterparty destroyer."

"they keep calling me 'donny' and i'm like, 'what is happening? am i the new kid on the block?'"

"sarah palin and kate gosselin are going camping? i don't know understand how things like this can happen in real life."

"my co-worker calls him 'the thinking woman's russell crowe.'"

"i hope you realize you have left no room for naps."

"she just looks old cuz she's skanky."

"and i had initially written in 'socks' instead of 'underpants' in an attempt to be decent. but i thought it better to be honest because, let's be serious, i am who i am and you are who you are. decency was discarded between us somwhere in 2007."

"that is like hello kitty just walked up and punched me in the face."

"maybe, perish the thought, that is who they think i am."

"there WILL be bowling."

"we are really good at dating."

"tell him i'm doing a comeback tour."
"be careful. that didn't go well for mj."

"it was a tough day for lips."

"make bjork look like she’s trifling!"

"mine is starting to come off in my mouth..."

"i wonder how much spittle we'll have in our cigars by the end of the night."

"saloon night gone mad!"

"can i get a yellow chartreuse neat?"
"and two bourbons for girls who don't drink bourbon?"
"that is hands down the best order i've gotten all night."

"no one wants to see harry potter naked."

"but that one-armed man was clever..."

"your tostadas are so tall."

"of course. chad michael murray is involved. SOMEONE has to be in an illustrative coma."

"stop doing that, please. it just makes something bad worse."

"just like i feel like i've seen every picture of liz taylor, i feel like i've seen every picture of grilled cheese on the internet."

"so who did the hurting?"

"one should never have to repeat the words 'invisible solid' so many times in an office."

"um, letmethinkaboutit... YES."

"i'm guessing that is where she is... in the cave of conception attempts."

"it truly is the television programming equivalent of a nap."

"minus colin firth with his piano, of course."

"heaven only knows what people should wear to see the nutcracker on horseback."

"first, let's discuss today's groupon. $11 for 'our body, the universe within' at the museum of surgical science."

"go to the border, caroline."

"where will you gallivant?"

"it just begs to be taken on a camping trip, is what it does."

"i like it when snow works out."

"i thought it was like REAL drama in the bathroom. but i see now that it was a bona fide poop."

"i'm sure marie antoinette had a peace blanket."

"well played, everyone."

"2011 . . . that sounds like the future!"


Les Savy Ferd said...

and the winner is, for me at least (crowded field):

"that’s kind of having your cake and showing your birth canal, too."

oline said...

but, that one-armed man was clever!

Lara Ehrlich said...

Yay! I finally made the revue :-) Apparently, I am far, far cleverer over email and across five states than I am in person...

oline said...

but your one liners have been featured in more posts than anyone else. that's why you never made it to the revue- because they were too good to wait for.

jmillewitz said...

It always makes me a little sad when I don't make the revue. January, I'll be all over it!

oline said...

but you did make the revue, love. it's just all your quotes were uttered in bar deville, which got its own revue.