31 October 2010

0 october: a revue


"she sure goes to a lot of events for someone without a wikipedia page."

"what do philosophers do, caroline?"

"one day it'll be cupcakes, the next it'll be dropkicks.

"we'll take your readership to a whole new level of baked goods and aggression."

"the sort of individual who knows just where to put a semicolon."

"he's not awesome, but he could pass as a regular on coronation street or something."

"when my sister was a child and my father was still dysfunctional..."

"don't look now, but we are dancing with old people."

"well, i know if i sleep with him, he'll go away."

"it's a nice meat."

"that's not a pen. that's a tampon."

"why does that guy look like a poor man's russell brand?"
"who? OH."

"i would sleep with kevin federline if i had the promise of sex with ryan gosling after."

"it was present day us but you had your 1999 hair. it was very off putting."

"you look like a girl from a magazine."

"i am getting whiplash with how quickly dan, nate, serena fall in and out of love with various people and each other."

"dude, i am not your lukewarm lemonade."

"that's one of the advantages of working from home."
"yeah, but then you start to smell."

"i should just get vanilla."
"and i should just get superman."

"my heart says liquor but my future says no."

"how do you not have the thing memorized? we're banging more than 20 men."

"oh right, there’s twilight, too, which is what happens when Doves Cry."

"i'm fairly certain he's a pretty serious buddhist."

"i can't believe i just called myself 'the whoopi goldberg.'"

"how exciting for you! have you ever been to texas?"
"only the airport. certainly never for lunch, much less at an english pub. my job is opening all the international doors."

"i feel like i'm going in my hidey hole."
"crap. now i'm going to have cab calloway in my head."

"and then there's american apparel, which gradually changed its advertising focus from progressive labor practices to amateur soft-core porn."

"tonight i'm going to make foccaccia for no other reason than that there is presently active yeast in my house."
"describe your active yeast..."

"so basically, this conversation left me with a lot of hands."

"it's a wealth. i can't deal."

"i think the frozen yogurt will make everything better, if it has not already."

"it is weird, unexplained, and borderline creepy. and i am 100% guilty."

"levi did poop in the tub, but that was on evan’s watch, so i don’t count it as a negative in my night."

"it begs the question: is sunshine lemontree male or female?"

"the cat is, of course, just fine - she's too superior of a creature to be sick and have to wear a cone."

"in other news, i am taking two little girls to a pumpkin patch on saturday, and i don’t know how to phrase that so i don’t sound like a sex offender."

"it's crazy how much of a mood-booster it is to NOT have to sit through a meal of frozen-bag-of-mixed-veggies and beans."

"i flew there, stood and smiled, and flew home."

"i think i was more tipsy than i realized at dinner because in retrospect i'm like, 'what did we have for dinner?'"

"i had thought these observations were all somewhat unique until they were trotted out on mad men a few weeks ago as the 'deepest conflict' of everyone in the entire world."

"really, there are no words. it's just a strange feeling- having diarrhea while wearing a $200 dress."

"thank goodness you can't catch STDs through texts and phone calls."

"why don't they make menacing-looking fake doves?"

"please describe your houston lunch. the food part, not the Awkward."

"i am cautiously optimistic, but I foresee the necessity of cornbread."

"i realize i'm asking this on a day when your boobs may explode, but can i complain for a moment?"

"[...] the creatively but rigorously punctuated everything you always wanted to know about sex*/ *but were afraid to ask."

"you don't go to black people with white people problems."

"by the by, i have a new boy. he's in houston. i think he has HIV. i'll keep you posted."

"i'm glad we're on the same page, God-wise."

"you'll understand why i laughed so hard at the lactose intolerant thing now."

"that's just because i'm blasé, not because i'm competent."

"these are the things i tell myself after the fact. which may also be very dramatic- but more in a claire danes my so-called life sort of way."

"she got very drunk and fell into a fire. not like the metaphorical 'playing with fire'... like, there were flames and she burned her body."

"i am both relieved and melancholy to be so easily replaced by cheerios and bananas."

"oh honey. it was unwise. i am DYING!"

"i wish it were the 40's, and it was snowing. oh and i was with some hot GI smoking a cigarette, with some egg nog with a shot of whiskey."

"you can just drop me off in wicker park while you go have fun with Jesus."

"it's like being thumbed."

"i have to look at enough ugly people in day to day life. if i'm watching tv, you'd better be good looking."

"that date last night went well. it's just he's a little green and i don't want to have to teach anybody anything."

"what if you just make yourself a..."
"i'm not a MOUSEkateer!"
"but..."

"this is sad news for such a fashionable lady."

"i really don't want us to be married. ever."

"my own mother, who likes to refer to bright & festive things as 'festicle' just to fake innocence and get a reaction."

"what do you have against cupcakes—aren’t they just little dollops of joy and love?"

"i'm thinking... glitter!"

"the good news: he is a socialist. i can't date anyone who isn't one. i tried. it doesn't work. the bad news: he might have a girlfriend who is the sister of the violin player in the band Rah Rah."

"i would love to dress as a priest."

"you always got ck nuggets and fries when we ate out - until you were at least 12. that is how we knew you were growing up - when you would eat something else in a restaurant."

"on this day in history, you birthed."

"i actually had to burp right then. that wasn't emotional."

"you had better make sure that isn't slang for some sex thing."

"all i can say is, be ready for your nipples to be photographed, my dear."

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