31 July 2010

0 july: a revue



"i don't want to brag about my referencing prowess but the words 'wow' and 'goodness gracious' were repeated more than once."

"it came close to derailing celibate summer when one of my dance partners started eskimo kissing me but then i turned it into a group activity and had about 10 people all rubbing noses."

"wow. everyone down here is black... and in the street."

"he seemed to be wiping off a bloody knife before he came to run my card."

"this is indeed highly bucolic."

"i get that i hold grudges. i'm german. we started WWII because we were still pissed about WWI. she's polish so she should be used to being conquered by my people."

"she is like herpes. the gift that keeps on giving that nobody wants. you aren't like herpes. you are like M&Ms."

"my life would be comparable to urban outfitters or high-quality vintage thrift- as it too is filled to the brim with a majority of undesirables that only certain people find fascinating."

"my kid is a car trip rock star."

"the question 'is this a farm date?' was uttered with the disdain one might use to inquire 'do you eat babies?'"

"i am intrigued by your ghetto."

"good luck with the borscht. mind you, i have never made it. i only read mennonite in a little black dress."

"somewhere floating around on a camera are pictures of me in giant fuzzy mouse ears. was there even a mouse in alice's wonderland?"

"that car has the texture of a really bad 80s garment."

"it is a whole parlor of desserts."
"wow. is it wrong that phrase leaves me a little turned on?"

"do you remember jerry, the big man I dated briefly?"

"i'm sorry but there is nothing 'christian' about being a conservative. Jesus was all about the welfare program. you don't get more liberal than Jesus."

"i'm sorry i don't have steak knives."
"no, it's cool. i frequently feed you off plastic plates produced by the niece of someone i don't even like any more."

"do you think you will weep?"

"y'know, i've got toothpaste on my zit and i had to be public the next day so i was in no mood to meet people."

"i was like, 'dude, did you know you had 5 different girls at our house over the weekend?' and they used ALL of the toilet paper. i mean, there wasn't even a square left."

"i sometimes wonder if i should eat less guacamole but then when i am reminded of how often you eat falafel i feel better about myself."

"i think the declaration of independence is nice, but to be honest, i wouldn't have written it like that."

"nation birthing hurts."

"boiled down, we were all just scared little boys looking to be loved, yet never saw a need to finally man up and do something with our lives. how does it feel to be the elite woman all of us kids have pined for all these years?"

"i agree, however, i was distracted by the little boy nipples on the grown man body."

"how have you been my mother my whole life and i didn't know crab was one of your favorite foods?"

"i kind of feel like i'm one of the fairies (insert snort laugh here) in sleeping beauty blessing aurora with all sorts of gifts."

"you often fall into the category of 'those people'- and i say that with love."

"there is much to be said for the sturm und drang of a life fearlessly and fiercely lived."

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