30 April 2010

0 april: a revue

[the month in which...

(a) your oline discovered the ability to text herself so that she is now a more efficient quoter/socially awkward person than ever before

(b) everyone in the oline universe said at least 5 witty, highly quotable things

(c) all of the above ]



"there's this song by sheryl crow... god, you remember her, right?"

"nature. dammit. grrr."

"he's clearly from good seed."

"it is difficult to reconcile that traffic jam with the just love of God."

"oh but i did see a hot guy in a wheelchair and i thought, 'now. damn. he would be a good father."

"it's really sad that hollywood is my religion."

"he only does it in the most embarrassing of places... like in front of the governor."

"i misread your name as carlos and thought 'who the hell is that?'"

"i was like, oh my god, she's going to judge him forever for poor bowl choice."

"i think i would've been one of those people who said, 'you want to say mass in the language of the people? fuck that!'"

"face it, honey, he was so southern he was practically gay."

"what? do they have an arts and crafts department there?"

"oh well, they can just think i'm vapid."

"we have become what he calls 'snuggle buddies' and are in danger of having to use the 'it's complicated' facebook status."

"the girls album is pretty frontloaded but it's a great load."

"she is jewish so that's new and i kissed a black girl named talara on the lips like two times during the parade."

"no. no. you do not understand. this is VITAL. my department cannot live without that stapler."

"yeah, i heard you flirting over there. i was simultaneously nauseous and impressed."

"the short little man that told the story about one of the chicago colleges..."

"it looks nice and being that all it required was dumping cans of apple goo into a pre-made pie crust i feel fairly confident i couldn't have messed it up."

"i hate that i just referred to email as old school."

"we could get berries. and make jam. and keep it real."

"i'm a 28 year old woman. i should be grateful to receive an easter basket of any kind."

"i'm 97.6% positive that efficiency is one of my love languages, along with take-out chinese food."

"i would agree whole-heartedly that we are destined to find our soul mates tonight. especially now that I know you'll be going street for the evening."

"ian is wearing a suit every day... well, hopefully more than one suit."

"GLORY. that is how I feel."

"that is a terrible band name. but i just found out the improv group i've joined is called meatwhisker so i'm not feeling very holier than thou about it."

"saturday was super jewy."

"wait. you have a sermon notes notebook? you amaze me."

"we never fit in. even though he's a cinematographer and i wear black on the inside, we do not blend."

"if there were reincarnation, you were probably a girl who drew a line for her stockings... for a guy like me."

"you are very much of the night."

"she and i spent the weekend further complicating the relationship. we dressed up and took hand holding pictures."

"american protocols mean nothing to the brazilians."

"shredding should be a hobby not a career."

"you may be sober but the night is drunk."

"let me ask: how much do you think this situation resembles bright star?"

“right now, she doesn’t ever want to see us again. rather harsh, for a bible-quoting woman, don’t you think?”

"one more reason to love chicago. it doesn't make you think everything sucks."

"chuck, blair, woe is me."

"we're not going to fuck, but that would be the sweetest thing."

"i get lost in the fact that life is too funny for God not to be hilarious."

"it was good, but awkward, but good."

"your nose... it has this native american wisdom."

"he seemed nice. and tall. and apparently that's all i'm looking for in a soul mate."

"i'm an anthropologie girl trapped in an old navy life."

"one who has called in sick should not show up the next day looking like tom hanks in philadelphia. this does not bode well for the likes of a known gay man."

"oh, robert downey jr., the drew barrymore of men..."

"while i waited, there were pages about lost cell phones left in bathrooms. then they asked if anyone who could translate hungarian would they come to the service desk. now they want sahib to come there to meet his mother."

"it is challenging to be a professional woman and not look like a working girl."

"i must dance like a child of the night. i can't just stand around looking cool in my skimpy dress."

"i have a wee coral bolero jacket to wear. it kind of looks edgy cool...i know, it doesn't sound possible for a coral bolero jacket but it's true."

"it was a PILE of awkward sponsored by me and underwritten with a grant by amanda."

"you just seemed to all intents and purposes like someone who was wearing underwear."

"the clap is not a venereal disease... not tonight."

"going to a saturday party and hearing about it on monday - is this fame?"

"it will be wondrous. or we will die. i haven't decided which."

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