"this parenthood thing is not for sissies."
"i'm already not allowed to boink my husband for 6 weeks and right now i am barely able to see him. time to grow a pair and put the baby in a crib and risk him crying."
"i love that QVC plays such a role in your family togetherness."
"that was back when we were in our ignorance."
"i think i just really, really, really need to hug my parents, which is a mortifying thing to admit to as a 28-year-old."
"mostly i’ve just got to figure out how to still be a PERSON while being a mom, without putting my kid at risk for the effing H1N1."
"please go back and re-read that in the voice of julia child so it won’t be so annoying."
"the only fate worse than being defeated by a finger would be being defeated by your own snot."
"if he's diving into someone else's vagina, i'm sure he's totally seeing your face when he does."
"what is happening to us?!"
"we're old and single and we really fucking want to see u2!"
"this diet coke is going to be like heaven."
"dude, foreign is the best kind of sexy."
"you're a horrible salesperson. you'd never make a good hooker, y'know? you'd negotiate yourself down to a dollar. now me, i would do very well."
"some of us study dead people."
"i have ambitious plans to take lots of pictures of farmy things and eat nothing but pumpkin products."
"surely they wouldn't be massaging THERE."
"christmas is that time of year when you can decorate with tacky stuff and say, 'oh, how pretty!'"
"thank heavens i’d at least put some makeup on for the a.m. outings, or i would have looked like a homeless person... a lactating homeless person."
"i mean, babies go out in the wintertime in chicago, right?"
"it is a great gift though. seriously, i would sob with nostalgic joy if my daughter gave me a gift like this."
"her name was raoul and she was from west virginia. enough said."