25 June 2009

8 like riding a bike

riding a bike is one of those rare skills that once acquired, simply cannot be lost. this is what They say. that unlike croquet or playing the lute or paul revere's ride, you can always remember how to ride a bike. other much more difficult things, when discovered to be easier than one had anticipated at first, are likened to the simplicity of remembering how to ride a bike. because riding a bike is allegedly so simple that, after the passage of time, even the simplest simpleton can take it up again.

careening perilously down webster the other day, my lopped up pigtails fanning about my sweaty neck as, looking like a suicidal muppett, i bumped my way along a row of four parked cars, it dawned on me what complete bullocks this is.

i fancy myself not the stupidest person in the world. not the brightest, certainly, but still not the stupidest by far. so when my father rehabbed the red bike for which he'd paid $35 on my 12th birthday (we eatons, we get our money's worth) and carted it up to town, i assumed a glorious future of cycling lay ahead. i was led to believe riding a bike would be easy.

in fact, riding a bike is a rather mortifying exercise in self-abasement.

i've spent a considerable portion of the past two weeks sitting in the middle of intersections going round-and-round with pedals that seem magnetically repelled by my feet.

i have been honked at by buses.

i have hit six stationary objects.

i have prompted two (TWO!!!) taxi drivers to point and laugh.

which has brought me to the scary realization that riding a bike isn't so much like riding a bike as being a clown.


Clark MF Price said...

The problem with big cities is that there is always going to be somebody around to see your shame. In a small town, you can epically fail like a fucktard and there is a good chance nobody saw, unless it was a nosy old lady who watches out her window. Gotta catch them kids playing in her yard.

btw...It is Africa hot down here.
ps...you never answer your phone
omgwtfbbq...insomnia sucks

oline said...

hey, don't i get credit for actually calling YOU that one time? yeah, it was your birthday, but still. and don't worry, will give you a shout next week.

and you are very right. there's a lot of exposure in the city.

Les Savy Ferd said...

I Bike quite a bit and I am no clown, madam!

Linda said...

are you by chance trying to bike with big red shoes?

oline said...

wait. is that wrong?

Les Savy Ferd said...

you should have just thrown a cream pie in the cab drivers face and followed it up by offering to let him sniff the flower on your lapel only to have it shoot a stream of seltzer water.

Osutein said...

There's riding a bike and then there's biking in Chicago. It's pretty much the difference between getting back up on your horse and getting back up on your horse after being shot off it during the Charge of the Light Brigade.

oline said...

well said.