we're going to take a little stab at audience participation here, people, so don't fail me now. because if no one responds, if this poor, sad, little, strange, macabre post sits here uncommentated upon, i'm just going to have to assume you all think you're immortal and that you could free yourself from any and all dire circumstances, a foolish belief that will force me to unleash my "you're all going to hell" fire and brimstone blog, faith in the city.
my family is weird. i think we've established that.
so the eaton family question of the week (and i know you're thinking, wait. they have a question of the week? yes. we also have a vegetable of the year. we're cool. deal with it) is this:
but oh yes... the game has rules.
you must pick one of the five following scenarios. you do not know if you are a man or a woman, rich or poor, well-educated, well-fed, well-shod, or well-armed. you have no super-human powers. in each case, there are clear advantages and clear disadvantages and in most cases you may or may not live, though in some you probably will and in others you most certainly will not.
the scenarios are these:
pluses- you have sailed on titanic. if you're a first class passenger, you presumably own a wardrobe valued at more than all our annual salaries combined. if you're a woman in first class, you will survive. the possibility of sex in a car with leonardo dicaprio exists.
minuses- 28 degree waters. if you're a member or the crew, a woman or child in 2nd class or steerage, or a man, you're dead. there's a slim chance you will be that guy who looked into kate winslet's eyes when the bow was extended to 90 degrees, lost his grip and fell the whole way down, bashing into every obstruction on the decks on his way.
(2) pickett's charge
pluses- you think you are fighting for a Glorious Cause. you and the 12,499 men standing with you are roused to victory by a stirring speech that will later be immortalized by martin sheen. you do not yet know the age of napoleonic warfare has come to an end.
minuses- the age of napoleonic warfare has come to an end. this will dawn upon you while walking in a wool suit through 87 degree heat across a HUGE field directly into an army's worth of guns. you will be hurt. there's a 50+% chance you will die. if you happen to be directly under pickett, you're pretty much dead before you've begun.
(3) the alamo
pluses- you have guns.
minuses- you will die, but you get to shoot back.
(4) the hindenburg
pluses- you enjoy a beautiful trip aboard one of the largest flying machines of any kind ever built. there's a 64% chance you will live. there's a 50% chance you will meet indiana jones.
minuses- you are flying through the air in a bag of burning gas.
(5) the spaceship columbia
pluses- you have been to outer space. your mission is complete.
minuses- your ride home will disintegrate, melt and fall to the earth in a million pieces. you will die.
the question is this:
in which of these disasters would you prefer to be?