25 July 2008

10 busted

i hug funny. i know this. i am known for this.

at breakfast, MJ spouted off on how he wanted a "real" hug. not one of my side hugs, but a manly hug. i did my best to whip out a paul bunyon bearhug. i failed.

MJ has always called me out on the side hug. within his idolatrous adoration there exist two realms of criticism. my love life and the side hug and i'm pretty sure that in his mind they are inextricably linked. if my love life was a freakshow, the side hug was undoubtedly to blame.

much to his horror, MJ's youngest daughter has started doing this. hugging him from the side. he gave me his best men are from mars look and asked me, why?! why?! as though the university of chicago might've bestowed upon me some great hegelian answer to explain the gender hug divide.

the first thing to come into my refined, publicly intellectual mind?


right? we do this because of boobs. or at least i have always done this because of boobs and speaking for my entire gender i'm going to go out on a very precarious, self-aware limb and say all other girls in the world who do this do this because of boobs.

because in a hug, they are undeniably there. boobs. in the center of everything. all up in everyone's business. this works very much to our advantage in instances with certain someones, but in most (for example, with older, father-figure-like, black men) it is awkward.

so i said it. i leaned back in my chair, looking wise and noble and impossibly pulled together for someone who had been up late the night before and had yet to have a shower or caffeine. i looked into the questioning eyes of my old boss and offered the answer of every 12-year-old boy: boobs.

i don't know that he'll ever recover.


Clark MF Price said...

I like this one. It has "boobs" in it six times. SIX TIMES!!!!

More "boobs" than a 1980's horror movie.

oline said...

and yet, that is such a gross word. tits is so much more to the point.

Meggie said...

I do the side hug with patients at work but that is because apparently dementia (and only 10 women in a 140 person occupancy building) has made them all into 12 year old boys. They go for boobs any chance they get.

Linda said...

i go for side hugs when the other person has both arms out for a fo-reals hug. and I like shoving my shoulder into people's collar bones.

oline said...

because what's more intimate than shoulders and collar bones?

Les Savy Ferd said...

a) boobs are great and are nothing to be avoided. in fact they should be celebrated. Most of western advertising has already beaten me to this metaphorical punch. A regular boobilee (because why do one GW when you can combine 2 into a 3rd?)

b) There are exceptionally few folks in my life who go for the fo-reals hug. Most are men, the others are family and/or croftie.

c) i read and re-read the first sentence and kept getting stuck, thinking you were using the "I heart" grammar style, i.e "I hug funny" became "I embrace the funny". Of course you do?

d) boobs, the signifier, while maintaining a more juvenile connotation, is much more representative of boobs the signified. Not to mix metaphors, but sure, tits is more ballsy, but from there you are on the slippery slope to 'teats' and nobody likes that.

Clark MF Price said...

I think you like the side hugs as well, because it is a deterrent for the "Lift you off the ground as well" hug. Of which you are in mortal fear.

Linda said...

tee hee! boobies..

oline said...

it always comes back to tee hee boobies.

Linda said...

wow. the pirate was right. your blog HAS turned into little more than smut. aweswome!