21 April 2008

7 blow job

i never blew my nose as a kid. (yeah, this isn't going where you thought it was.) which, given that my head was a living drain of ear fluid, probably means i was the grossest girl on the block.

i didn't blow my nose because i didn't know how. there are those things you just can't figure out. like shaving your knees or refolding a map or hooking a bra from the back. actions that seem so simple that no one ever thinks to explain how they're done. i didn't know how to blow my nose. and no one showed me.

well, that's a lie. doctors teague and franco tried but failed. they dangled kleenex in my nine-year-old face and extended the ultra welcoming invitation of "blow, honey." but i was a rebel. i didn't want to blow. something about the whole business upset my delicate sensibilities. i'd much rather live with a permanent crease across the bridge of my nose from rubbing the snot back into it.

blowing seemed so crass, so vulgar, so not what a girl who still wore dresses smocked by her mother would do. and i think i really thought my head would explode. if i were ever to throw caution to the wind and actually blow my nose. so i didn't wanna blow my nose. so i didn't.

apparently you can't make someone blow their own nose. it's like finding God. they have to get there on their own.

i was slow. so i was snotty. for years.

however, somewhere along the way this stopped. maybe it was getting off the allergy medicine that made me dizzy every time i stood up for the entirety of college. or maybe it was the chicago winter, which render one's existence not only insufferably cold but unbearably snotty.

whatever it was, i saw the light. i found the way. without practice or intervention, i learned to blow my own nose. despite my aforementioned appreciation of silly things, somehow it escaped me that this was kind of a big deal. that i had mastered the nose blow. it escaped me until i was on the phone with my mum the other day and, especially snotty after a long walk home, i blew my nose.

there was a silence... then:

did you just BLOW YOUR NOSE??? gary! GARY!!! come here! QUICK!!! OUR DAUGHTER just BLEW HER NOSE!!!

nice to know i still make my parents proud.

7 comments:

Linda said...

if blowing your nose took this long, you'll never fart in front of a boy, will you?

oline said...

it's gonna be an earthy day isn't it?

Les Savy Ferd said...

don't be silly ladies, girls don't do any of the things y'all just mentioned. They just look pretty and smell nice and laugh and pick flowers all day. also, the occasional be-pajama'd pillow-fight amongst yourselves.

oline said...

and braid our hair...

Les Savy Ferd said...

but going back to the pillow-fights...

oline said...

well, of course croftie and i pillow-fight on a weekly basis. every time we tell you we're "walking home" or "having lunch." yeah. totally pillow-fighting.

Les Savy Ferd said...

from snot to hawt in 6 bold moves!