07 February 2008

4 this won't be pretty

whiney inarticulate girlish rants seldom are. but i have come to realize in recent days that i loathe- nay!- HATE the parka people.

in fairness, i should define parka. a parka features a hood and extends to the floor. a parka is not a simple coat. it is not a winter coat or a cape or any other piece of reasonable winter wear. a parka is entirely unreasonable unless one is in the polar ice caps (by its very definition, it is intended exclusively for "arctic wear"). and we are in chicago. cold it may be, but the polar ice caps it ain't.

thus, i HATE the parka people. this is my judgemental elitism at it's very worst, because the logic for my hatred of the parka people is this: i'm blazing through winter in a svelte spring coat, hoodie, sweater, and lots 'o socks while you, parka person, are wrapped in a fabric evocative of quilted sausage casing and 9 layers of puff, therefore, i am better than you and you suck.

but, aesthetics aside, the parka people suck for many many reasons. the reason that has lately driven me mad is their seeming immunity to all rules of the road. their bulk suddenly tripled, the parka people assume they need the entire sidewalk to accomodate their vast expanse. cacooned in fur and puff, their periferial vision is obliterated and their hearing dulled so they remain blithely oblivious to the footsteps and shadows and pleas of the many unparkaed people around them. encased in warming therma-fluff, they exhibit a lethargy that slows their steps to a speed that would make a moving sidewalk appear lightening fast.

this may seem entirely unreasonable- my fervent desire for these people to unparka and embrace more reasonable winter wear. because i get it- your coat is ginormous and deprives you of motor dexterity and human compassion and i should, therefore, strive to accomodate you in your impaired state. and, yes, it is cooooooooooooold out there.

but is it really that cold? dougo makes it through every winter with little more than a windbreaker. croftie's been rocking that thin green coat with the tattered candy-striped lining for three years running. there are people walking around without hats or gloves. that's a bit extreme, yes, but regardless, they are still alive. we, the unparkaed, are all still alive. the cold hasn't got us... yet.


Les Savy Ferd said...

editor's note: none of the coats mentioned in the last paragraph were harmed in any way during the writing of this article. Although, to be fair, Croftie's is on life support and begging for euthanasia.

oline said...

that is the lord nelson of coats.

Les Savy Ferd said...

i've working on something special for the Gogol concert and lets just say it rhymes with slush-tasche.

Les Savy Ferd said...

i've BEEN
I've BEEN working. ugh.