30 April 2007
9 april: a revue
"it is april... where are the showers?"
"i remember you!"
"i regret that."
"faith is beautiful, and you've hurled it into the junk heap of names."
"one can only take so many monumental highs and abysmal lows in a 48-hour period."
"from that day on, i was an asshole... and it has done wonders for me."
"i like my beer like i like my women- bitter."
"i haven't talked disrespectful to you in a month. it's been difficult but i stuck to it."
"i'm realizing more and more every day that my personality offends most everyone i meet."
"all the departments were labeled with big hanging signs as 'men's Fashions,' 'women's Fashions,' 'children's Fashions.' they could not just have clothing sections. they had to specify that these were indeed fashions. it was that bad."
"there are things that matter and then there are really important things like sprinkles."
"fortunately, being told you are stupid isn't fatal."
"normally, dirty knives wouldn't bother me a bit. today, they were the biggest grievance any soul on earth could possibly commit against me."
"i was wondering if nectarines are the testicles of the fruit world."
"my silliest joy of marriage- a wedding ring tan!"
"that is SO thomas kincade."
"you know, the first time i saw his work, i said, 'that's really beautiful.'"
"yeah, i wouldn't ever again admit that to another living soul."
"when push comes to shove, somebody's got to get the last egg. that's not just easter baskets, but life."
"any time you're watching something on the hallmark channel that pretty much says it all."
"we didn't even know you all EXISTED."
"is that your boyfriend? do you wear that to keep him close to your heart?"
"no, that's zack morris. i wear it because i am strange."
"where did your daughter get that black hair?"
"i married into the clairols."
"i don't even know you but i love you already."
"suddenly, out of nowhere, the family tree bloomed."
"why do people fear will ferrell?"
"you can't scream CITY if you're dressed in a smock."
"she did say breast feeding is far worse than labor so we need to begin to emotionally prepare."
"it's not a date, but it sure is something to buy clothes for."
"he doesn't know what 'xo' stands for?!"
"clearly he's a man who's never been kissed or hugged."
"i want you to get a consistent boyfriend who can beat you."
"you'll be sound as a pound!"
"whew... you are not a telemarketer. i had this huge fear of you being a telemarketer."
"why do these people keep saying 'godspeed'? it's a new job, not a regatta."
"you don't want to look needy or slutty, but you should at least look available."
"thanks, mummy. that's invaluable."