23 January 2007
15 L (NF)
the bombshell and i are pillbox married. we have rings and have taken vows. we tested ourselves with the ladies home journal "is your marriage strong?" quiz and passed with flying colors. the other day, we celebrated our one year anniversary (observed).
and we have this philosophy. it first surfaced on her blog at some point late in the summer of our discontent, when she noted that "the world is not set up to support love," but rather that it fosters fear.
back then, we made a conscious decision. we gaily walked up orchard street with our fists raised, naively proclaiming our commitment. we were going to live in Love Not Fear. we didn't know it would be such a hell of a hard thing to pull off.
we've struggled with it in our jobs, our relationships, with our families, our friends and ourselves. we had to literally fight it out at a corner table in chipotle one rainy december night. and what we've realized is that ultimately, everything comes back to Love Not Fear.
because it's so much more comfortable to be afraid. to hold back and let the dear things drop. to live in Love, you must drop yourself. you can't see where you're going and all you can see are the horrid ways in which you might wind up bruised and beaten, so it's a hell of a hard thing to let go. and it's a hell of a hard thing not to turn back.
but if reading a bazillion biographies has taught me anything, it's that life is unpredictable but no matter what happens, in the end every little thing somehow- even if it is a completely implausible, seemingly random, rather crap somehow- falls together so we wind up where we're supposed to be. we so often fail to reflect on the life behind us enough in order to see that, but if you look it is there. the things that made you you. the schematic that brought you here.
i think this is the trick. in living in Love Not Fear, you have to have faith that it's going to turn out well. you have to have faith through the obstacles and the disasters and the inconveniences and you have to close your eyes and open the door and keep pitching yourself forward again and again regardless. let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck, and embrace the mystery. no fear. Love.