26 December 2006

44 "oh no! these are all for us. we're delicate and we chap."

my chapstick addiction has been well documented, as has the promulgation of said chapstick addiction by my mum. but i only just the other day realized what a family of stick addicts we are.

as we sat in huey's gorging on burgers, my mum related to my grandmother the stirring story of how she became a stick addict. how, as a little girl when she lay in the hospital ill with an as-yet-undiagnosed respiratory infection, her grandfather exclaimed, that baby's chapped!, promptly raced to the pharmacy and returned to slather blistex upon her lips. pulling a tube of tropical twist punch (bonnie bell, summer '06) from her bag, my mum nodded sagely and said, that's when IT all began.

she went on to recount the current locations of her active sticks. her's are in the pink coat pocket, the front purse pocket, the pencil drawer at work, and the nightstand at home. it was a litany i well know. mine are in the right pockets of the blue, green, and yellow coats; the red coinpurse; the inside pockets of the yellow, leopard-print and red bags; the pencil drawer; my right jeans pocket; on the nightstand; and the silverware drawer. that's the one that made her pause. the silverware drawer? ingenious!

for years, my mum had been faithful to the medicinal sticks. the kind that reek of aloe and mint and various vapors. the kind that smell like they were manufactured in some old lady's attic. i knew the tides had changed at thanksgiving when she handed me a tube of cotton candy (bonnie bell, winter '05). but in huey's the other day, we entered an entire new era when she complained to my grandmother that target was no longer carrying bonnie bell.

coyly, all-knowing, i leaned across the table and whispered the magic word: walgreen's. her eyes lit up.

conveniently, we were going to walgreen's that afternoon- not for chapsticks, but for medicine for my stupid ear. while the family waited in the car, my mum and i linked arms and marched in. for three minutes we debated in the ear medicine aisle before grabbing the thing with the most ingredients. then the search for our beloved bonnie bell began.

they glimmered before us, a mirage of sweetly flavored chapsticky glittering goodness stuck casually at the end of an aisle alongside bargain bin wrapping paper and reduced christmas candy. my mum reached out and carressed the winter wonderland delights collection (bonnie bell, winter '06) as though it were the shroud of turin, while i dove reverantly for the vanilla creamies, our favourite from the fall '06 line.

we approached the check-out counter with a bonnie bell stash. a collective 18 sticks. so many sticks, in fact, that we crossed some personal satisfaction stick threshold that led the check-out lady to assume they were gifts. in an extraordinarily effective upsell, she led us to the glorious display of the bonnie bell christmas collection that we had somehow overlooked and from which we were practically obligated to buy an additional 10 sticks.

i am not ashamed to admit that my mum and i left walgreen's with $30 worth of chapstick. but as we were leaving, she nudged me and whispered, let's not tell the family. they don't know. they won't understand. it's bonnie bell.

44 comments:

Meggie said...

My addiction is the cherry-flavored Chap Stick. I currently have a stick in my black Cole Haan purse, brown suede purse, console of my car, work bag, lab coat, nightstand, always in the front right pocket of whatever pants I'm wearing (which is why I refuse to wear pants without pockets), and an extra 9 tubes in the bathroom cabinet. *nods* I understand.

Clark Price said...

Poor Green Bean's ear. If it makes you feel better I just got over another bout of pneumonia recently. My battles with my lungs are nothing short of a Norse epic.

P.S. I wanted to spell Green as "Grean" and feel as "Feal"

Meggie said...

Completely random side note: Congrats on the add. That means a lot. He won't add just anybody. Oh, and I'll understand if you can't make it but we might move it to the States so that way our brothers can come (but then it'll probably end up being a big affair).

oline said...

meggie, i knew you would understand.

grean/feal reminds me of our ridiculous high school english teacher and the welcome to my mead hall class. craziness.

i have been to the doc. the stupid ear is going to be better.

Linda said...

thig pig!!

Ooh, and i got Madame Bovary for Christmas and thought of you.

oline said...

ooh! i love emma bovary. she's so liz taylor. i'm sorry it made thig blush, but it was a crime we weren't allowed to read it. that is why drama teachers should not teach AP english.

nick said...

as a boy - i love the minty, menthol laden slathers. anything that unchaps my lips & clears my sinuses. freakin' awesome.

oline said...

slathers= gw. not nearly as bad as swaddle, which is of course mighty popular this time of year, but still. gross.

Linda said...

I agree with swaddle being a gw. I will never swaddle my child. I will wrap him up in blankets, but officially swaddling will never happen!

And for boy lip product: lindears have discovered a new type of blistex. I can't give any info beyond that, other than it is in a shiny blue tube. But still. Wonderful.

Meggie said...

KY has a thing for Carmex... That's what I noticed primarily about living there. They are obsessed with it.

Caro, if you can't come to the "thing" (for fear of jinxing it) then you must come if we have a party in TN to celebrate the "thing".

oline said...

lindear, did you have to say that three times to say how gross it is? i love you regardless, but it seems unnecessarily earthy. and are you being coy with the lindears boy lip product or do you simply have no info?

meggie, it took me forever to realize that you weren't referring to some mutual friend that we've nicknamed KY.

and as a completely senseless aside, i am currently eating dry cereal from a ziploc bag somehow so fragrantful (for lindear, FRAY-grent-full) that the smell has infiltrated the tastiness molecules of the contents and rendered my beloved quaker oat brown sugar squares decidedly ziplocy.

Linda said...

No, no. I don't believe in blog coyness. I had no further info at the time. However (trimphantly retrieves object from purse) I did bring it with me today. Blistex Complete Moisture.

I'm sure we will all sleep better at night knowing that.

And KY like that will always be jelly in my mind. always, always spell out Kentucky.

oline said...

i let you get away with that crass use of the S word but, really, the M word is too much!

and yes. always kentucky.

Linda said...

Blistex Complete Marriage?

Les Savy Ferd said...

Going back a few posts, Oline, I must reprimand you on your poor grammar. Have you forgotten the fourth tetragenerative property when adjectifying nouns? We don't want people wandering about willy-nilly saying "zip-LOW-see". When a noun ends in a 'c' one always must pay attention to the asymptotic particulars and place a 'k' (or in rare instances, and 'h') after the 'c' and before the 'y'. Thus ziploc becomes ziplocKY and the pronunciation is retained.

also dovetails back to the KY issue very nicely, eh?

oline said...

pirate, i did contemplate the more orthodox use of the fourth-fourthgenerative property, but the loc part of the word looked so electrifying alongside that sexy 'y' that i couldn't bring myself to toss a clumsy old 'k' into the mix and muck the whole lot up.

way to bring it all back to the KY.

Les Savy Ferd said...

'k' do tend to throw their weight around, breaking out into fisticuffs with the other heavies, 'g' and 'w'.

is 'y' sexy because it goes both ways? (ahem, strictly vowel speaking of course)

Linda said...

fisticuffs AND a vowel joke!! best comment ever!

Meggie said...

Ok, people... I lived in KY (Kentucky) for like five years or so and it's just too long to spell out. We abbreviated everything there. We lived in BG (Bowling Green). We were simply too busy to state the entire names of items.

Caro, it's looking like March 3rdish right now. And possibly at Blackbeard's Castle!

oline said...

meggie, please God tell me you're having a rennaisance wedding.

Meggie said...

Hell no! And you said the "W" word!!!! Now you've jinxed it. *L* I said last night to him, "Y'know, if someone was going to ask another person a question... Then they might want to do it at the top of the Empire State Building 'cause that's a good place for questions."

oline said...

honey pie, you've said the M word, the W word, and the F word. i think if there would to be any jinxing you'd be jinxed by now so don't fret.

and if you can't get hitched astride the horse at the nathan bedford forrest monument alongside I-65, bluebeard's castle seems like a pleasing alternative.

Les Savy Ferd said...

Ah, blackbeard's good people. well respected in the pirate community. i'm pretty sure he presided (?) over my brother's bar mitzvah. which is assuming bar mitzvahs are presided over and that my family is jewish. at least one of these statements is false. all of a sudden i'm a multiple choice test.

oline said...

i still vote for the n.b. forrest nuptials. really, nothing says forever like racist roadside statuary.

Meggie said...

I refuse to get married at that horrid statue! Forrest looks like he's getting it up the butt! That is not the image I want associated with my wedding day!!! You and Mike had way too much fun with that idea.

Hey, how about YOU get married there since you like it so much? *grins*

oline said...

as the face of ethnic memphis, i fear that shall never be.

however, you- a perfectly normal, unethnically tied-down young person of a marriageable age. the world of wacky weddings is your oyster. and what better nuptial theme than confederate sodomy rights? army dude's completely on board.

Meggie said...

Army Dude is just wanting to marry me. He'll agree to just about anything. His last suggestion was go to Gatlinburg and do a quickie ceremony. The old people would *kill* me if we did that. St. Thomas is bad enough.

Linda said...

caro, speaking of true love, how long until you get to see the vieve again?

Les Savy Ferd said...

wuv, twoo wuv.

oline said...

lindear, 26 hours until the vieve and i gloriously reunite.

pirate, so chawish your wuv...

nick said...

as a busy georgian/tennessean, i've only time to abbreviate this entire comment:

wtf?

Linda said...

ah, ah, ah. princess bride quotes only, LG.

...Have you the wing?

oline said...

surely the LG knows the princess bride. i think he was commenting on the general arc of the comment convo. we're rather dexterous.

nick said...

actually i thought i was seeing rodents of unusual size. please pardon the interruption.

oline said...

ROUSes? don't exist.

Meggie said...

The conversation makes complete senese to me. *L* But then, I'm slightly crazy and actually initiated the topic turn. Oh lord. Now Mike is quoting Princess Bride to me. Mike says hi to everyone.

croftie said...

Doug's mom is an ROUS.

croftie said...

Not really. But so he was told by an actual ROUS once.

oline said...

of all the people i know, the pirate seems the most likely candidate for having met an ROUS. though i can't quite see him as being descended from one.

Les Savy Ferd said...

comment number 40 is mine! mwa ha ha ha, heh, hrm.

croftie, that in-joke busted me up good. still laughing. still.

Mother Pirate is a kind and decent woman who all her life wanted nothing more than for her son to not enter into the family biz. twas not to be. oh what a world.

oline said...

was mother pirate a pirate horself? or was she from a pirating family? or did she marry into piracy? the public needs to know your path to piracy, pirate.

oline said...

and i did not mean to call your mother a "hor," pirate. please forgive me.

Les Savy Ferd said...

it was my Pop that married in, he was merely merchant marine. classic tale, Mum was on a raiding party and boarded his ship, the Huxtable, all set to send the crew to the briny deep when lo it was twoo wuv at first sight. the rest is history.

Being called an RUOS is one thing, don't make me defend Mother Pirate's honour from your freudian slips, Oline.

oline said...

quite classy of the pirate pop to enter the trade through mawwage.

and i swear, pirate, i'll keep my freudian slips safely tucked away in the lingerie drawer and shall not commence throwing them upon your mother.