07 November 2006

26 "that was not a sneeze. it was the horror of such a place coursing through my body and jumping from my lips."

i am a book bigot. in the midst of my many-years-long torrid affair with biography, i've had only the most casual of dalliances with fiction, and primarily only with the fiction of people whose fiction i already adore.

the dread pirate is also a book bigot, though his devotion lies at the opposite end of the bibliospectrum. the dread pirate is exclusive with fiction. and for this, he's been the recipient of many an oline frown.

but some weeks ago i made a lucky steal from the pirate's trove. mark helprin's frederick & fredericka. it was hardback and it was huge. it was the antithesis of light subway reading. thus, after a respectable passage of time, i returned it. fortuitously, some days later a more friendly, twenty-five cent paperback copy encountered me in a thrift store.

thank anne shirley for thrift stores and dread pirates.

today, during rush hour, standing in the train and clinging to a pole, i used my free hand not for balance, but to hold frederick & fredericka aloft. i laughed out loud no less than five times. HUGE laughs. HUGE mwaahhhhhhhh, peewee laughs.

a guy in a hot pink camouflage vest moved further down the train. an elderly woman looked at me with oh, how sad that a girl with such impecably applied eyeliner should be having a mental breakdown aboard brown line run 372 eyes and quickly followed him.

today, for quite possibly the first time ever, i was the scariest person in the room. i was officially scarier than hot pink camo. it was glorious. there will be no more frowning at the fiction.

26 comments:

nick said...

i love that the look on an old woman's face can both project pity and compliment eyeliner.

Bombsy said...

can i say "i love anything hardback and huge" on your blog? can I say that?

Les Savy Ferd said...

Wow, you might end up with handle ScandaLeslie after that post.

secondly, Oline, i guess i owe you one Biography, read by me, at the time of your choosing. Fair's fair afterall. if you are gonna go all trans-genre-gressive on me the least i can do is oblige you with a biography sampling, in the interest of science.

Bombsy said...

i just couldnt let that chance pass. sorry guys.

Les Savy Ferd said...

by the way, "in the interest of science" has got to be an oxymoron, right? Isn't science supposed to be empirical and shit? As in objective? So it would by definition have no interests. sorry, been reading too much philosophy lately. a song:

Hegel, hegel, hegel,
I made you out of clay
Hegel, hegel, hegel
with hegel I will play.

well, as much as anyone can play with a dead dude's virtually indecipherable obscurantisms.

oline said...

LG, as one with an expressive face i was in awe of old woman's ability to stealthly blend the eyes of delight with the lips of disapproval. i did not know it could be done.

bombsy, you said it. no apologies needed. someone's got to bring the scandal and i can think of no one more appropriate.

pirate, huzzah! while not traditional biography, i'm thinking fergurson's freedom rising: washington in the civil war, because you've expressed a readiness to go to the wawah and because it features a fun panoply of senators, spies, socialites, and heads-on-pikes. shall i bring you when next we meet?

oline said...

and how unspeakably awesome that you actually wrote "indecipherable obscurantisms." i bet your eyebrows grew an inch just for thinking it.

Bombsy said...

I COULD make an astute and verbose observation about Helprin's Winter's Tale, which I am now reading...but again I say- hardback and huge! HAhaHahaaaahHaha!!!!!!!

Bombsy said...

I often feel that if our blogs were a village or community, I would be the flasher or the crazy bride in the attic.

oline said...

oh no. if our blogs were a village and you're the crazy bride in the attick, what does that make me? the crazy writer woman in the basement?

oline said...

um... attic.

Bombsy said...

attick! it's like attack!
"I'm'attick you with this here candlestick!"

Meggie said...

Caro, I don't think you'd be the crazy writer in the basement. Not nearly enough sunshine. You'd lock yourself in the biggest bedroom with the bathroom attached and cackle through the door. You might install a kitty-door for the Vieve too...

I'd probably be the crazy nudist running in circles in the front yard. *laughs* Oh the imagery. And for some reason, it has lots of metal sculptures which could lead to disaster 'cause I'm a klutz.

oline said...

somehow i forgot my own need for sunshine. how dense. do love that you put metal sculptures in the yard of our imaginary blog house (which has clearly shrunk from a village to a single family dwelling) specifically for the purpose of klutzing with them. i call the room below the attick so the bombsy and i can pass secret pillbox documents to each other on a delicate pulley system comprised of dandelions and vermicelli.

oline said...

damn. attic.

Les Savy Ferd said...

Question. why must the bride with the impaired sanity be sequestered to the attick? Wouldn't the party be that much more enjoyable if she were present?

secondly. I leave the private confines of the blogosphere for 12 hours and when i return all i find are crazies and naked chix. What the hell happened, people?

oline said...

clearly, pirate, without your civilising influence, the broads of the blogosphere run amuck.

and in answer- the bride with the impaired sanity must be sequestered to the attick because that is the rochester way. ironically, my only dramatic tour de force was playing rochester's crazy attickified wife bertha in a senior year AP english jane eyre masterpiece, in which an obscene amount of eyeliner was applied to signify my lunacy.

Les Savy Ferd said...

with all the novels I've waded through I've never stumbled upon this 'jane eyre' as you call it. Must be an underground sensation flavor of the week type book or something.

Les Savy Ferd said...

Not familiar with this 'Brontes.' is brontes a dinosaur abbreviation? you know, like raptor for velociraptor or T-rex for monster ballad? like Bronte for Brontosaurus? And just cutting to the chase... there were novelist dinosaurs? Amazing. Is there anything that a 60 foot long, possibly warm-blooded herbivorous ancient monster can't do?

oline said...

so that's where you're keeping the pirate ship these days. in the shallow waters off novelistica. is that to the south of So-Slo? and jane eyre can't take the balmy temps like the novelistica natives, so you won't find her frequenting your wading pool.

oline said...

so i accidentally post a comment and we still go spinning off into completely fantastical directions. and no, there is nothing that a 60 foot long, possibly warm-blooded herbivorous ancient monster can't do.

Les Savy Ferd said...

I do summer in Novelistica which contrary to your cleverly disguised put-downs isn't Balmy at all. Its a small Russian town in Siberia where themes are bold and weighty--the human condition lampooning itself in the boughs of a rotting oak tree.

My So-Slo-Sloganeering is/was an attempt to get out of Piracy for the primary reason that So-Slo is landlocked thus no temptation for sea-fairing rogues like myself.

oline said...

dear pirate, i could have sworn that Balmy, the capitol of novelistica, was located off the southern shores of france, where themes are flamboyant and frenzied- the human condition lampooning itself with heads-on-pikes. perhaps you are refering to the oft-confused ukrainian town of nouvelle isti kuh. alas, since you abandoned the country a day plan in the A's, we may never know.

so what is the current status of your piratical career? it would seem the So-Slo-Sloganeering has died down a bit. or have we simply passed out of the peak touristy seasons? my sympathies for your plight. sea-faring must be a difficult life for a fair rogue such as yourself.

Les Savy Ferd said...

Piracy, like tourism, is subject to seasonal demand and opportunism. With the wintry months ahead I can only hope I've stockpiled enough plunder in my various troves for all of the crofts, bears and pix in my life.

Verily, the lean months lay ahead with nothing but several 500+ page novels to sustain me.

By-the-by, hearkening back to a previous Blog Strand, the Atomic Dog Press has been superseded in the sheer unbridled awesomeness that is:

Book Thug Press.

genius

oline said...

book thug press?! maybe we're making this too difficult. Heads-On-Pikes Press is so obvious. (i've clearly made it a personal goal to use the phrase heads-on-pikes a minimum of three times per day.)

will the wintery months see the return of the Country A Day Plan? your coolness went up notches with the disclosure of such dorktasticness. you should blog your way through the countries. we're woefully lacking in discussion forums.

by the bought by, whatever happened to your blog? it would seem that i rolled into town and it promptly bit the bullet.

Meggie said...

Carolina... You're having issues with the word "attic", aren't you?