15 November 2006

29 the iodot

iodot (I-Oh!-'dät) n. circa 1976; chiefly eatonian; an idiot whose idiocy so exceeds the traditional boundaries of idiocy that the word idiot is no longer sufficient, in such case the antiquated nominative iodot represents the individual's demotion from standard idiocy into shameful iodotism, most often characterized by blundering, dunderheadetry, nincompoopery and peter panism.

the teddy calls drunk on certain saturdays at 4.30 a.m. usually the certain saturdays that people are staying with me. so they inevitably leave with the impression that i'm a lady who accepts phone calls from drunkards in the dead of night.

i am not that lady. i'm queen of the screen. unfortunately, the teddy is not king of the message machine.

his voicemails are very sloshed george w giving a press conference after an especially lively hunting party as he ill-advisedly still clutches the rifle in his free hand.

the teddy says this [in tones eerily reminiscent of james van der beek's star turn in that 1999 classic, varsity blues]: as we know... i have fond feelings... for you... but i wanted to spare... you... the abject horror... of being in... my life.

the teddy has said this before. this exact line, word for word, with the same dramatic pauses without deviation for however many months. always delivered as though it were a new, exciting revelation that warranted applause.

i imagine he must carry this speech around on a cocktail napkin, pulling it from his pocket as the clock strikes 4.29 on certain saturday mornings. never mind that we haven't spoken in months or that he has yet to find a better speech-writer.

the teddy's delivery is crap. it sounds as though he were squinting into the memphis sky, straining to read a heavenly cue card mistakenly written in yellow fine tipped pen. it's not a convincing act. it is, undoubtedly, the act of an iodot.

and i'm not one to rush to judgement. to lightheartedly toss about accusations of iodoticy. nor am i one to exploit an individual's iodotery for comedic effect. well, that's a lie. i'm a writer. it's what we do. but enough!

the oline says [in her most exasperated dame judy dench tones]: i have only... blech feelings for you... and i want to be spared... the abject horror... of hearing this same stupid message... ever again... in my life.

29 comments:

nick said...

if ever there were a man who i would, without a word spoken between us, give a punch up the bracket... c'est l'iodot.

Bombsy said...

Oh me too! I have been threatening to cut him for months. I had the abject pleasure of listening to the "Redbull" message and lemme tell y'all...mere black and white words just CANNOT communicate the iodiocy.
Our Cupcake rates far better than a drunken 4am phone call. Our Cupcake deserves flowers at her feet and sprinkles on her ice cream. Not Teddyness. Down with Teddyness. (Excepting of course Teddy Kennedy, whom we love)

oline said...

oh teddy kennedy. he was such a dish. before he drove that car off the bridge, of course. things kind of go downhill in the looks department after you drive a car off a bridge.

Bombsy said...

Yeah, I was dropped off a motorcycle when I was three, and I know my looks (and probably my brain function) have never recovered.

Clark MF Price said...

OH MAN I am glad that I don't drunk call anymore. It always ends badly. I think the last time was to call a friend and sing some Stevie Wonder to them. No more though, definitely no more. Good luck with that.

oline said...

way to forgo the drunk dialing, binga binga. nothing good comes of it, tho i suppose some good comes from singing stevie wonder so it evens out.

and bombsy love, we now know that driving a car off a bridge augers bad times ahead in the looks department while being dropped off a motorcycle leads to a lifetime of lovliness. and thank you for remembering the sprinkles. people always think flowers and they forget the sprinkles, which are far far more important in my estimation.

Linda said...

you got that, LG?

Bombsy said...

Yeah, LG, don't wind up in line to be cut. Bring the sprinkles, yo.

oline said...

my dears, please. your oline doesn't like to blush before noon.

Bombsy said...

I imagine our Oline will be blushing for a whole week come the end of Novemeber. Consider it practice.

nick said...

ladies, ladies. i done bought the sam's club container of sprinkles two weeks ago. it will be in my carry-on.

Bombsy said...

LG, THIS is why we love you.

nick said...

and also why i love you babies back.

oline said...

does it make me an easy woman that my affections can be won through chapsticks and sprinkles, or just highly discriminating?

Bombsy said...

you're just honest. mine can be won with chipotle and chanel no. 5. or stargazers. too bad UH doesnt read blogs.

Linda said...

yeah. Mine is chile burrito and orange gatorade.

Bombsy said...

oh girl! gatorade is miraculous. it saved my life once, really. bless gatorade.

oline said...

in a horrid oversight, i somehow left sonic tater tots off my list. oh sonic tots. the favourite food of the overweight angels.

nick said...

O, sonic tots are your favourite, my favourite... even gracie's (family dog who is a queen) favourite. clearly they are the food that all find it impossible not to like.

L & B, while we're on a mention of the ade (aide?) of gators... has anyone had the lemon/lime strawberry XFactor Gatorade. it's goodness defies description.

Linda said...

I am fiercely loyal to my beloved orange, but for the sake of aide/ade banter, will try the above weirdo flavor.

Les Savy Ferd said...

I am of the fruit punch sect. We posted our list of greivances on the Gator's door some time ago and viola, red deliciousness.

My combo would be a comic book and Mt Dew. yes, i'm somewhat of a 12 year old even still.

oline said...

dear dread pirate,
how can you poo-poo my youthful eckzoobrrrrrance when you are somewhat of a twelve year old yourself? what an engimO you've become in your old man age. and whatever are you doing being "doug" at 3.34 on a wednesday afternoon? are you at home being slothful? have ye the plague?
sincerely,
20questionsoline.

Meggie said...

Apparently my love can be bought through Cokes and M&Ms. Speaking of, he just called and said he's raiding the old hospital and did I need any chairs or bookshelves. How odd.

Caro, phone date last night was blissful and much needed. I miss you something stupid too. We'll shoot for December.

oline said...

i like how the price of your love has remained consistent through all these years, meggie eggie. in the 10th grade i probably would've demanded an entirely different price- probably snickers, green pens and blank cassette tapes.

phone date was indeed a delight. and there's no shooting for december. it's gonna happen.

Meggie said...

What can I say... I'm a girl with a habit. *laughs* Although I apparently have a thing for red roses and I never figured myself for a roses girl. But apparently at 25, you'll settle for any dern flower that comes your way.

I completely forgot about you and the green pens. Oh wow... Yeah, you were kinda obsessive about those.

oline said...

because a green pen is so hard to find!! and green ink is just gorgeous. my psycho alphabet looks so much sexier dolled up in green. remember that year i wrote with fountain pens just so i could have green ink? and they were forever exploding so i had green hands and i didn't mind because i loved green ink that much? yeah, i took the dorkiness to whole new plateaux.

Meggie said...

I remember those fountain pen green pens 'cause I had one in black and purple I believe...

Mike found out about my OCD habit last night. *laughs* The fact that I can only use one brand of highlighter 'cause it drives me nuts if stuff is highlighted in different shades of yellow. I still claim that it is normal!!!

Les Savy Ferd said...

I've never actually had any former acquaintances that might fall under the jurisdiction: Ex. So, for the sake of this blog strand I shall script the following improbable message dictated by one inebriated Croft who is away on business and drowning her lonesome sorrows in a pint or four of Harps. ahem:

"Ferdinand? *hiccup* Are you there Ferd? I miss... kitties. Barry *hiccup* pickle-pot-pie. *long pause* I miss... Did you feed them? Did you!!? make sure you feed them, ferd, make sure. I bet they are cute buttons, Ferdlebot. You are okay, but the kitties. oh my. take care of them *hicuup hiccup* I'ma gonna *hic* go now. Kitties. Bear. Pik. Bear. Stick. You feed 'em ferd, feed 'em please I gotta go sleepy. say 'nite to pickle. *dialtone*

oline said...

this is why croftie and i have an unspoken vow that we will only ever be intoxicated alone together in a room with no phones, internet, or walkie talkies. or kitties, come to think of it. because even the kitties should be spared that sight.