18 November 2006
14 i may be urban, but i'll not be outfitted
i don't like urban outfitters. a loyal h+m girl, i find urban outfitters too dark and drab. it's a dungeon by comparison. admitedly, they make some cute things. the bombsy's dream coat for one. my fabulous rug and the vieve's throne for two others. but there is no store that makes me quite so uncomfortable.
because urban outfitters so obviously thinks it's way cooler than me. there is no more judgemental retail establishment.
maybe it's because i myself am judgemental. the hordes of trixies that come from iowa and wisconsin and peoria and du paul to go to the store on our street are pretty much the same set that we referred to in high school as the "tan people"- girls who frequent tanning beds and the boys who date them. we pale people, we didn't like the tans.
i swear, the trixies/tans come to urban outfitters by the busload. they clog the street. they act as though it's an imposition if you ask them to move out of the way. it's analagous to navigating that hallway in high school. thus, i, pale to the very core, avoid that place like the plague. but some things are inescapable. urban outfitters is apparently one of them.
today, a catalogue arrived. and i thought, wow. victoria's secret has had quite the revamp, dropping the hi-gloss, 35 lb. cover and moving to 27 lb., lo-gloss stock. gutsy move, vicky.
then i realized. this was an urban outfitters catalogue. and i am left to conclude that this is the year of what lindear refers to as the bazoom.
this happens. we twiggy girls have our day and then the bombshells come back for a few seasons then it's our turn again. it's no big deal. but there's something different, something diabolical, happening in the urban outfitters catalogue.
this is not décolletage in the context of little black dresses and ballgowns or even sexy sweaters. this is red-carpet-ready breasts spilling out of $28 tee-shirts.
my new fear is that people are actually going to dress like this.
urban life is hard enough already. there's the windpant/cardigan combo in the spring, the men who roll their pants to show off entirely too much sweaty, hairy leg in june, and the women who, all through july, act as though bikini bottoms are a legitimate summer pant. stop the madness, people.
it's not that i'm averse to fashionable provocation. i am, after all, usually the most colourful person in the room and my oddly clothes have, on many an occasion, left me giving an eye-full. but seriously. it's cold. it's freezing. it's winter. don't put on two sweaters and three shirts just to fall out of it all. we're urban, yes, but these outfits, they hurt our tender souls.