09 November 2006

20 don't tell mamma what you saw

today, at 3.40 p.m., marvin lustbade called on the damn phone. i have no idea who the hell marvin lustbade is, but it became very clear, very quickly that marvin lustbade only speaks english as a hobby.

all i was able to decipher throughout the minute in which we spoke was the number 105, which i would then latch on to as though we might be able to forge a common understanding through that numeral and arrive at some sort of sensible outcome.

the conversation went as follows:
marvin lustbade [amid sounds suggesting he was standing on the balcony above niagra falls]: 105?

oline: yes.

marvin lustbade: ok... 105.

oline: yes, 105. is there a package?

marvin lustbade: 105!

oline: there is a package?

marvin lustbade: ok... yes, 105.

oline: so, yes, there is a package for 105?

marvin lustbade: 1
[completely drowned out by the niagra noise]5!

oline: shall i come down and get the package i think you might have for me?

marvin lustbade: yes, 105!

oline: um... ok.

so, throwing caution to the wind and intrigued by the prospect of seeing a lustbade, i went to the lobby, which seemed the only logical locale where marvin lustbade could have meant for me to redezvous with him to retrieve the package i thought he might have. but marvin lustbade was not there. marvin lustbade stood me up.

lindear and i have a policy of sharing every single inanity throughout the unfolding day. thus, she was immediately given a full lustbade report. the reply: Oooh, don't tell your mother.

and i think that was the most frightful thing to emerge from the lustbade episode. the realization that though i am a 25-year-old living on my own in chicago, paying bills and pretending to be an adult, my mum would completely rip the raven hair from my silly head if she knew i'd gone to the door to get a package from a stranger. so please, sir, if you run into my mamma, don't reveal my indiscretion. just leave well enough alone.

20 comments:

Meggie said...

My mama ripped the auburn locks off my hair (and so did Shithead Steve) when they found out I answered my door at like 1 in the morning and didn't look through the peephole.

Face it. At the end of the day, we're just pretending to be responsible adults.

nick said...

wow you two - i wouldn't even open to door to trick or treaters after ten o'clock! hey... they wre teenagers!

nick said...

or rather were teenagers

Meggie said...

Caro and I are soulmates... Hence, we have the same tendency to be a little indiscriminate to who we open our doors to. I still never look out the peephole. I just tell people that I do. Hell, Mike doesn't even lock his door. I keep on threatening to walk in and stick a Christmas tree in there.

oline said...

though we are soulmates, i must protest, dearest meggie.

i am not indiscriminate in who i open my door to. i am simply a mail slut and will pitch myself down a flight of stairs and into the arms of anyone if even the scantiest promise of a postcard is evoked.

Meggie said...

Hence why my blackmailing you with mail *always* works!! *laughs* It's my not-so-secret weapon.

BTW, we absolutely must phone date this weekend. I'm busy most of Saturday I believe...

oline said...

meggie darling, do you believe you're busy most of saturday as in you have faith and are willing it to happen or do you know for certain? couldn't you squeeze little old me in just for a few? we could talk super super fast. because friday i am writing a great dramatic work and sunday i am hearing the Word of our Lord (y'know, the stories about all those characters) and meeting the crofter for a top-secret Bodily mission. so it would be peachy keen if you could sneak me into you saturday plans, love. (why is it our phoning plans only unfold in this forum and never in email? we are weird.)

and nicky, i wouldn't open my door to teenagers after 10 p.m. either. i hear they're all packing semi-automatics. kids these days. shucks.

oline said...

and i, of course, meant your saturday plans. that was not intended as a direct address to the megger's saturday plans.

nick said...

by the bought by, how did you know it was in fact marvin lustbade? am i missing une petite chose?

Meggie said...

Ok, Caro... Here's the schedule. I got work and then Christmas Village tonight (family tradition of over twenty years). Tomorrow I have a morning/afternoon of shopping for a drop dead SEXY gown to wear to the ball with Mike and some kickass knee-high black boots for my chicken legs. Saturday night I have the Predators game with Mike, Jay, and Jay's fiancee. Sunday, I don't have plans as of yet. I will fit you into my shopping for a phone call though.

And am I ever gonna live down the fact that I call the people in the Bible "Characters"? They are characters!!!

oline said...

when the teddy called at 2 a.m. while the father cupcake was visiting, the father cupcake was so infuriated that he called the phone company and demanded caller i.d. thus, i had the pleasure of seeing the name marvin lustbade- a humbert humbert in the making if ever there was one. otherwise he would have just been plain old dude that could only say 105, which is not nearly as exciting.

meggie, howsabout you just call me whenevs? and as someone who refers to tabloids as moral tales and the people in them as characters, i have to tease.

nick said...

i love that i know what Christmas Village is! awesome. as for lustbade... that last name must be recycled somewhere in someone's book.

Linda said...

I am fairly certain that the aforementioned drop dead SEXY gown and knee high boots ensemble is the kind of thing Oline wears about the house doing everyday chores and such.

oline said...

lindear, really! a girl's got to have some secrets. but yes, costuming is very important to bootsoline. boots (WITH ZIPPERS!)- because apparently that's a pertinent detail.

Bombsy said...

girl....

nick said...

we even got a lindearment (which works because of endearment) going! and thus far i've only heard the zippers on said boots... or Oline shrieking like a girl... which she won't admit to doing.

oline said...

if it had been me shrieking like a girl, i would have owned up since as a girl, it's socially acceptable for me to shriek like a girl (unlike boys, who must blame their girlie shrieks on rogue jacket zipper zips). 'tis only the pee-wee laughs, if ever unleashed in public (heaven help us), to which i would not own up. until my death, i would blame the boots.

Meggie said...

Caro, I will try to remember to call you tomorrow. I'm still shaky on plans 'cause tonight's got changed at lunch but I'll try. We must phone date soon though.

Nickie, I'm so proud of you for knowing Christmas Village! *laughs* A lot of Nashville people don't know about it.

Ok, must go clean which I am sadly not doing in a gown and kick ass boots. It might get in the way...

Les Savy Ferd said...

I too am of the "how bad could it possibly be to open up the front door to complete strangers in the dark of the night" syndrome. As the Croft can attest a few months ago on a tuesday night the doorbell sounded well after normal folks have gone home to do what normal folks are want to do but well before the witching hour. It was dark out. The doorbell sounded again. I stood up and walked to the window and stupidly let my stupid self be seen stupidly gawking at whoever it might be outside our home. Perhaps it was an errant delivery boy and I could help him on his way (Our street is damn near invisible to the delivery types--I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist on their treasure maps). Perhaps it was our neighbor who had locked himself out.

Nope. It was a pair of black teenagers with a clip-board. Having stared them in the face and knowing that they knew I'd stared them in the face i went out into the hall and opened the door. They gave me their schpiel. Blah dee blah poor kids blah dee blah money for college. I knew it was a scam. It had the ear-marks, nay, neon pink sorority girl pants capital letters across the ass butt-marks of a scam. But I went back inside and fished out a fiver 'cause what if it was real?

Alas. The fellows went on their way most likely to buy a six-pack with their recently acquired college funds. and me feeling like the world's biggest sucker with the word 'MARK' tattooed on my forehead for all the world's con-men to read and exploit.

harrumph.

oline said...

that comment is a treasure. it's brightest gems:

1) Our street is damn near invisible to the delivery types--I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist on their treasure maps.

2) It had the ... neon pink sorority girl pants capital letters across the ass butt-marks of a scam.

3) Having stared them in the face and knowing that they knew I'd stared them in the face...

4) Blah dee blah poor kids blah dee blah money for college.

5) ...their recently acquired college funds.

clearly, HBCIPBTOUTFDTCSITDOTN syndrome will feature prominently in EMSB&SS.

incidentally, schpiel... DISGUSTING word.