29 August 2006

8 reasons not to leave the house wearing a 4H shirt

because- even if you are merely making a mad dash to the marché to staunch a diet coke craving- you will inevitably run into a long lost acquaintance, who will then assume that the 4H shirt is not an anamoly but a way of life. because the wearing of the 4H shirt in public is the fashion equivalent of driving down the interstate on a plow.

and we're talking the real deal here, folks. those unmistakable 4 clover leaves accompanied by those damning 4 Hs. admittedly, this is a cleverly fitted 4H shirt that is borderline sexy. or at the very least, as close to sexy as a white t-shirt emblazoned with a logo beloved by farmers the world over can be.

the 4H shirt has gone places. but most often it has gone under other, cuter things. on this particular day the wearing of the 4H shirt outside the house was rendered even less style savy by the rain, an ill-advised decision to wear glasses, and the rocking of a side ponytail a la andrea zuckerman (who, let's face it, was the 90210er none of us wanted to be but who we all rightly feared we probably were).

i didn't know that anyone i knew had the time to go to the marché at 11.20 a.m. on a tuesday morning. but then i also didn't know that anyone i knew actually pondered apples, weighing one in an outstretched palm as if it were a magic 8 ball and empires were at stake. now i know that i do know people who do that.

this person i know who i now know does that- a long-lost mapher who only shows up on my side of town on days of exceptionally, out-of-the-norm bad hair- deftly took in the 4H shirt. it was partially concealed by a totally fabulous, non-farmer-approved plum jacket. but really, there's no hiding those Hs. the look on her face was strangely akin to the horror on my mum's when, prepping to leave for my great-grandmother's funeral, i strode into her room looking for a pair of stockings and wearing a leopard-print coat. needless to say, the person pondered her apples quite quickly and bid me adieu.

but- despite her absence- that incredible, indomitable mississippi pride compelled me to unbutton the plum jacket and jaunt about the marché baring my 4Hs without a hint of shame. it was a show of affection apparently too great for the 4H shirt, which not ten minutes later was gashed to death by a cabinet corner as i put my unpondered apples away.


Clark "not so effen hardcore" Price said...

If your shirt is torn, you can definitely sport the Derelicte` fashion style.

oline said...

go to bed, sir!

nick said...

i just think your apples were jealous of your Hs... i know, i know. i'm going to bed.

Les Savy Ferd said...

t'other day i seriously considered taking the trash out to the alley in just a wife-beater and boxer-briefs but thought better of it knowing that one of the following circumstances might arise:

a) I'd inexplicably lock myself out and be forced to hide in the shrubbery out front until such time as the door was unlocked.

b) I'd run into someone I knew (or any self-respecting member of the human race) who would immediately come to the impression that I had 'fallen on hard times' or 'seen better days'.

c) I'd slip and bump my head on the rain dampened pavers, acquire formidable amnesia (obviously) and wander the streets in my Hanes carrying a bag of garbage muttering a disconcerting combination of dirty Irish Limericks and old Sesame Street learn-your-numbers songs.

d) totally violate my self-imposed Olineinthecity boycott after like, 5 minutes.

oline said...

what a heart-wrenching absence that was for us all, dread pirate. (and with that you've officially used up all your absences so your attendance is REQUIRED on sunday- leave the wifebeater at home please. otherwise it will be me and the vieve all snazzed up, alone amid a pile of uneaten cupcakes. add the dread pirate into that mix and the yearslong musical exchange might finally go down. and since we're here and email is so passe- got my man mans last night. huzzah!)

Les Savy Ferd said...

by the way let me propose a joint venture. I say you devote an upcoming article, either for OitC or JBB (i only suggest the former because it so clearly betrays its Olinian partialities) for a list of the top 10 Whiny-voiced albums of all time. I say we pool our resources here. As many people as we can gather (and trust, mind) submit their top 10. From their the top vote getters move on. It will be ever so much fun.

Perhaps we should first define the ground rules for an album to qualify. Perhaps narrow the vocal range or at least say the following adjectives apply (nasal, fey, etc..).

my mind is a-blur.

(and of course i'll be in attendance and will do my fair share of work upon said mound o'cuppin cakes)

oline said...

way to bring the fabulous ideas, dougO! since writesoline sold her soul to interference and won't be formally accepting commissioned pieces until the damn faux u2 story is put to bed, howsabout we OitC (a Charlene! product??) it? in addition to transit commander, consider yourself now the official rule setter and have at it.

Meggie said...

Carolina, here's the proper way to look at it. Do not be too harsh on yourself about the 4-H shirt. Think of the juxtaposition of the totally fabulous plum jacket paired the 4-H shirt. I'll pair an appliqued Free People shirt with a tailored green corduroy blazer, Seven jeans, and Coach heels. It's all in the irony of the pairings. Your maph "friend" was merely not sophisticated/fashion-forward to recognize this. YOU are a fashionista!