i got myself out of the piece of writing and then today they wrote and offered me a massive extension because they understand bereavement and grief because one of their husband's died and they went right back to work, and i now i feel like a horrible fucking ass.
even though i don't think i was wrong. these things hurt and they last. i am, indeed, bereaved. for bingley. for donovan. for my own younger self.
it is a pile upon pile of griefs. and also i feel maybe just done with jackie. which is hysterical because the whole next year, if things go well, is going to be completely dominated by her.
i'm learning how not to reply immediately.
it's funny, people who know me know i take awhile to process. and yet i will respond to an email hot off the press.
the sunset was gorgeous tonight.
i've been cleaning out my closets.
because the 16th is coming and the 16th feels like the start of a new year.
there was a time when i could not handle the movement of time away from the event. this time, in this moment at least, i welcome it.
it feels right to be a year away. neither too much nor too little. for once, the time feels right. whatever that means.