06 July 2021

0 i feel flat

the kennedys are like carbonated water, jackie said, allegedly, once. and all other families are flat. 

i feel flat.  

like, i'm ok. and, also, i feel flat. you know? 

it's probably because i feel we're in the middle rather than arrived at the end. and you can't really relax when you can't bring yourself to believe it's over. because then you're still waiting, still tensed. 

but, also, IT ISN'T OVER, right? right??!?! RIGHT???!?!? 

i've not believed in stability for awhile now, while also maybe being, at present, more stable than i've been in a long, long while. at least in terms of being rooted where i am, as opposed to flailing about in the wind. 

i own a home rather than renting. which basically just means i pay my money to a different entity-- a less stable one, so it seems, as they've changed twice now and i am still right here. i am still me. 

i took a "what's your relationship style?" quiz the other day and it shook me. i am possessive and loyal. 

they were not wrong. 

someone has left my life, a dear, dear friend who screamed at me for forty minutes a month ago. and it feels right, it feels ok, it feels-- if we're being honest here-- like something of a relief. 

at the same time, it feels like there is a window open somewhere. a breeze that flaps through but i cannot locate its origins. 

it is the best thing, the right thing. it is, i am coming to realize, not ok for men to scream at me. my guts, i am slowly coming to realize, are usually right. when i feel things in my body, it's my body trying to get me out of there. 

the other night, i dreamed i collapsed, sobbing, on lady gaga. 

the night before that, i dreamed something horrible about burvil. one of those dreams where you wake up convinced the person you just dreamed about has died in the night. 

joe showed up in the middle of it. joe always shows up to shut a bad dream down. but, here, he was clearly an automaton, so it was helpful so much as furtherly nightmarish. 

i feel flat. and i am writing and then this happens. 

and the family dog and i sing to each other for five minutes and i forget what i was going to say. 

and it's ok. not because what i wanted to say wasn't important but because shit happens, good shit, and you lose your way for a moment, and it's all alright. 

i feel flat. i feel the breeze from the open window somewhere. i feel my heart is bursting looking into roo's blue eye 868 miles away. but i am feeling. and that's progress. 

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