21 March 2017

0 up, up

we take all of the interviews on board. they stick with us, we discuss them with ourselves and with approximately 9-25 other people.

but some of them, the ones with the older women, the 80+ crowd, ohmygod.

after speaking with sister joanne, STZ and i both were crying.

and then i cried again later, on the way home.

and then she texted monday and asked if i cried when putting the episode together and i said no, because i didn't really listen, but i'd listen to it on my way to work on tuesday and i expected to cry then.

our hearts are very full.

that is something people always say on facebook when they have babies but it is nonetheless accurate here.

our hearts are very full.

most especially because it is so different.

i guess that when we are speaking to people of our generation, we feel we are trying- to some extent- to help them organize their own experiences.

on the weekends when we have talked to these older women, these have been the weekends when we were most in need of organizing ourselves.

and so they blow us open and we are wrecked and we cry afterwards and we attempt to piece ourselves together through leaning on them, their wisdom, their words.

i'm on the train home after the sister joanne interview when E, whom we interviewed earlier that same day for an interview that'll go up week after next, texted a gif of a bundle of balloons being released. and she wrote, this is the way up! a collection of voices. the more voices, the greater the lift! 

and i'm reminded of how STZ's ex-boyfriend asked early on, but what are you doing? what is your point? and we thought, we do not know yet, we are still waiting to see. 

in class yesterday, i encouraged the students that you do not have to know what you're doing. you should trust your instincts. trust the idea that, if you feel it, there is something there and, if you cannot define it, it is perhaps new. and that is ok, that is, in fact, amazing. you just have to believe. and, in saying this, i felt like i was echoing the lyrics of a mariah carey/whitney houston song while also telling Great Truths.

because we do not know what we are doing, STZ and i. well, we do but we do not. and that is ok. that is, in fact, the beauty.

it's like we're on an incredibly uncomfortable bus ride, i tell her, after the sister joanne interview, when we are both blown apart and weeping. and we don't know where we're going or if it's worth it and then we arrive and it is like holy shit, yes. this is where we are supposed to be and it is fucking beautiful and that is enough. 

it is enough.

sister joanne is amazing. our hearts are full. if you never listen to any of our podcasts again, listen to the final ten minutes of this one.

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