27 December 2017

0 FJ: FACT TIME WITH OLINE: that jackie episode of “the crown”

fine. we will do this.
(Jacqueline Kennedy on her way to the State Dinner with Her Majesty the Queen Elizabeth II)



12 December 2017

0 when you long for a stationary bike

and you bang on and on and on about it and garebear says, wait, be patient, if you wait it will come, and you roll your eyes only to have him shout your name at an estate sale less than an hour later, standing- with a look of glee- over a 1970s machine called the slendercycle, priced at $40. why that's a piece of junk! debo will exclaim as garebear comes back to tell you the woman says he can take it for $10. and you'll watch in amazement as debo and garebear set the thing up in the driveway and the family, as one, cleans the scum off so the slendercycle is resplendent in the sun, as debo exclaims, it's beautiful! and garebear says, see i knew we would find something strange and cheap and neat. faith, bear, faith. 

03 December 2017

2 aesthetics

debo says, the thing is i dress like a six year old scandanavian girl. and you dress like an aging former broadway star. 

and she is not wrong.

06 November 2017

0 elections of yore: 2012

06 NOVEMBER 2012

deep deep election night thoughts from the naked lady bar

"the guardians of democracy."

"the nation is never going to elect an indian version of kenneth the page for president."

"this is like the hologram of this year."

"it's filled with gay people, bikers, tourists, and chickens."

"you have to make day three a slut day."

"down to the webbing, man. down to the webbing."

"if it wasn't for your shirts, i would question your devotion to mab!"

"i will eat something weird if obama wins arizona."

"the american chorus... it's way less organized than the greek chorus."

"that was stirring american music."
"yes, i thought something was happening."
"but no! it's just a nisson commercial."

"it's not dated. it's just shitty."

"he beat 'sometimes god makes rape happen.'"

"i mean, you know when dicksville-notch and gobbler split the vote..."

"i just don't think this is her wheelhouse."

"don't flash your countdown in front of me, scream 'election alert' and then tell me utah voted for romney."

"those are parenthesis of shame."

"that's like lyrics from a nickleback song."

"triumphant music! oh, it's liberty mutual."

"we are like the ancients sitting under a gnarled oak tree as their grandchildren ask for stories of the war... and they mean the iraq war."

"you guys, i have to pee. but i'm afraid i'll pee and he'll win the election."

"trunk nutz- those are not new."

"it is like the vagina of missouri just shut on him."


"fuck you, potato hoarding nazis."

"my response was similar to my response to the news that there would be more star wars movies. this was like episode 7 of the frenchman with the salty fingers."

"high five, guys... AMERICA."

"i'm happier than i thought i would be tonight."

"i think the simultaneous appearance of barack obama AND the tamale guy was a miracle moment."

"i was confused. because i didn't know if i was happy because obama won or because the tamale guy was here."

"that's right, sad blonde lady!"
"whose name is inevitably 'megan.'"

"they are the tamales of victory."
"the tamales of democracy!"

"there's all the people i hate... at a table."

"i'm allergic to democracy."

"apparently that's fox news versus karl rove, which is, like, the greatest fight of all time."

"what's this like in cities that aren't chicago?"

"it's the difference between taking the castle and defending the castle."

"you'd think they'd have excellent makeup artists."
"... or at least human beings with brains."

"welcome to america! our emperor lives in a white house."

"i'm going to post-pee again... for democracy."

"is this a commercial... or a campaign video... or a preview for lincoln?"

05 November 2017

0 elections of yore: 2008

05 NOVEMBER 2008

things uttered at obamanomenonapaloozala

"i feel we are walking towards our doom."

"yes, i want to be footnoted in history as the person who handed a drink to the son of someone who is a total non-entity in your book."

"i'm a little less in favor of obama now i know the scary angel mime guy from the park is on his side."

"i'm not sure this is an environment where you want to evoke guy faulk's day."

"this is the line? does it have an end?"

"i think people up there are moving."
"it's the movement of democracy."

"why don't they make buttons that say 'average, moderately good looking guys for obama'?"

"we've been here half an hour and already we've arrived at the subject of ass nipples."

"this is the line of democracy."

"part of me almost wants sarah palin to stick around so we can have more tina fey. i wonder if this is how people felt about hitler and charlie chaplin."

"it's the chicago fire department's clown car division."

"it would be so much less impactful to have been waiting in line here while history was happening right there."

"do you think they just said, 'well, we've got this building that looks like a vagina, might as well give it a clit'?"

"the portapotty of democracy. that light hits it as though it was..."
"the manger."

"i'm not all that reassured about our safety given the only security measure thus far was the water bottle confiscation squad."

"look at all those people in line for the hot cholocate of democracy."

"75,000 people just said, 'who the fuck is that?'"

"oh my god. we are that crowd on tv."

"it feels so much more real now that they're playing springsteen."

"you can pee anywhere you want. this is the greatest night of our lives."