15 November 2016

0 it is good to sparkle

jude says this at breakfast, when i apologize for all of my pink. because, my pink, it is excessive. but she doesn't think so. she believes that, in times like these, it is good to wear color and sequins and to shine.

we must think of something good, she says. we struggle to do so. it is embarrassing, the effort we make and also the failure. in lieu of locating something good, i excuse myself and go to the bathroom.

at lunch, there is a pall. N is struggling. the only point at which it feels we are ourselves together is the eight minutes during which we only discuss make-up.

and then there is a pause and various griefs descend.

there is good.

i have identified the boundaries of what i am in.

a job may have fallen into my lap.

i may be able to pay january's rent.

we must hold out for possibilities we have not yet imagined, i told garebear in memphis when he suggested i should consider moving there because life in the uk had suddenly got hard.

life in the uk has always been hard.

life anywhere is hard.

this is not a uk-centric phenomenon.

one of the people i love most in all of the world is having suicidal thoughts and there is absolutely nothing i can do beyond answering the phone.

it is not enough. i am never enough. i wrestle with the fact that that is ok. that i need not be. that there is absolutely no way that i can hold everyone else together. i can barely hold myself together.

there is so much sadness at present among the people i love, it is hard to bear. so many of the people i love seem to be falling apart.

and yet, small victories persist.

happy national catheter removal day, garebear exclaims when i call him. for it is coming out today.

and it will hurt and there will be new struggles but we carry on.

the clouds were low, the fog thick, as i bumbled around town today, breakfasting and lunching and being present, bundled in pink fur, waiting for the pieces i've set in motion for possibilities i cannot yet imagine to ease into place.

and, as usual, i'm reminded of the thing kara beautiful gold and i believed so fiercely in 2001 that we committed it to poster-board... the natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster. strangely enough, it all works out in the end... it's a mystery. 

and also my own bastardized paraphrase of esther 4:14... for who knows whether you haven't been put right here for just such a time as this? 

so bring out the sequins and rhinestones and all of the pink. all will be well. eventually. surely. no?

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