11 October 2016
0 the very important conversation regarding the things that need to be done to facilitate my transfer to a different type of visa
O: hi, mummybee.
D: hi, bearoline.
O: are you ready for the very important conversation regarding the things that need to be done to facilitate my transfer to a different type of visa?
D: of course.
O: so, first
D: wait. should i put you on speaker? your father will want to hear this. i'll put you on speaker. [an aside] gary, you'll want to hear this. i'm putting her on speaker.
G [in the background]: why don't we skype?
D: can we skype? he wants to skype.
O: we can skype. but the internet connection is not great here you know.
G: let's skype.
O: also, you've not seen me in a few months and i've not washed my hair since friday and i stayed up all night to watch the debate but please don't take my appearance today as an indicator that my life has fallen apart.
D: we're going to to skype. ok, bye.
[skype ringing noise]
D: YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
G: what's happening to your hair?
O: guys, please.
G: ok, tell us what you got.
O: so, what i need is my birth certificate and
D: i don't have that. do you have that?
G: i don't have that. she should have that.
O: i don't think i have that.
G: let me go look in my box of treasures.
O: if i had that it would be in my box of treasures.
G and D: WHAT?!
G: you're frozen.
D: we can't hear you.
G: where are you?
D: she was right there. you saw her, she was right there.
G: of course i saw her, i'm right here.
D: where did she go?
O: HELLO. i went nowhere.
D: oh, THERE you are. what did you say?
O: i said if it's anywhere here, then it's in my box of treasures.
G: it won't be in mine.
D: go look in your box of treasures.
G: she's frozen again.
O: i'm going to turn off the video and then maybe the sound will work for us. i'm turning off the video.
D: WHERE did she go?!??!
O: guys, focus. i've turned off the video and am going to look in my box of treasures to see if my birth certificate is there.
D and G: ok. [whispering to one another]
GIANT LOUD NOISE
D: what happened to her?? is she ok?? what's going on? i can't see anything??
G: doesn't she know that she's supposed to say i'm alllllllllllll right so we'll know she's ok?
D: she should know that. IS SHE OK?
G: how would i know? i'm here with you.
O: i'm fine, i'm fine. the pile of books on top of my treasure box fell off. i'm fine. lookit that, i own nine oyster cards!
D: were you expecting the brady bunch?
O: no, and no it's not in my box of treasures, though your document of final intent is.
D: your father's got his treasure box here. he's opening it up. he's looking inside.
O: you know i can see you guys right, even though you can't see me? your video is on. so, mummy, you really don't need to narrate.
D: oh. i did not know that. but i do love to narrate.
O: oh, i know.
G: oooooooooh, look here it is!
D and O: yay!
G: that script from that one time i played the person in the gold lamé pajama pants petitioning pilate to kill christ!
D and O: that's not it!
D: he still hasn't found what he's looking for.
G: oh wait, here 'tis! right by the document of final intent.
O: geez, when you die we'll just be surrounded by wills.
D: you can throw yours out. it's probably wrong. you know how often we update.
O: so we've got it?
G: got what?
D: the new will?
O: nooooooo, the birth certificate that precipitated this whole conversation? good grief, what is that thing in the hallway?!
D: what thing?
O: is that fez?! guys, i seriously thought it was a small dog.
D: you can see him??
O: of course i can see him. the video is on.
G: he is not fat! how dare you!
O: i'm just saying he casts a broad shadow.
G: WHOA. WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
D: THERE YOU ARE!
O: um... i turned my video back on about ten minutes ago.
D: and aren't you beautiful.
G: but you scared us to death.
O: ok, so we've got it.
G: got what?
O: the birth certificate.
D: no, this is a copy.
G: but it's a certified copy.
D: so it's the real thing.
O: so it's the real thing in spite of being a copy?
D: of course.
O: that doesn't make sense.
D: oh, but it does.
G: daughter, this is the way the world works.
O: this is why everything takes us so long. that was the first item on a list of five.
D: whew. should we pause and have a snack?
filed under: the family forward