04 February 2015

0 4 february 2015: still, i know not

04 FEBRUARY 2013

february 4

today is the birthday of someone who has died.

i do not know what to do with it.

are they meant to be commemorated, the birthdays of the dead? 

should there be cake? i kind of want cake. but then i always want cake, so am i exploiting the birthday of someone who has died to satisfy my own cake gluttony? 

i'm making this all about me. this isn't about me.

i should not have cake.

and yet, a birthday is meant to be celebrated. it feels far worse, profane even, to abstain. to let it pass without comment, without pausing, as though it were something of which we were ashamed, as though we wanted to forget.

i am not ashamed. i do not like to forget.

but to whom can one direct the well wishes? a birthday is such an extraordinarily personal thing. where are people meant to send their celebrations of your birth after you've died?

there is no card for that. nor no forwarding address.

for lack of anything else, i find myself tempted to text the disconnected number that remains in my phone. just so that i will have done something. it seems very important to do something at such times as these, times in which there is absolutely nothing to be done.  

i want to know, knowing i never will: what are we to do with the birthdays of the dead? 

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