04 June 2014

0 holy smokes

so it seems as though, out of the last month of Total Madness, things are brewing. which is exciting and awesome and also kind of makes me want to take to my bed and do nothing but apply calming face masks and watch the star wars trilogy. which has actually been an option for the last two nights and totally won't be after that. 

this is, in part, because i have had the most horrible revelation. 

scratch that. there are far more horrible things that could've been revealed. but, in my little carefully controlled world of books and newspapers and writing and archives and occasionally talking to 90 year old strangers, it's kind of a big deal. this revelation. 

it is this:

no. wait. i'ma tell a story. 

i was talking to debo this morning and she said, so is this it? is it like in pinocchio when he becomes a real boy? 

fyi, mothers: when your child's had a life-long insecurity about her nose and fears being mistaken for disingenuous, upon the potential happening of a huge, big deal in her life, do try not to liken her to a lying wooden boy with a schnoz. 

debo said this and suddenly it became so clear why i've felt so frayed in the last few days.

i have realized it is not yet over. 

that sounds silly. let me clarify. 

no, let me use a simile. 

it is like you run a marathon. and then, as you near the end, you realize what you're in is actually a triathlon. and it is like oh.my.god. you want me to swim?! 

bad metaphor, because maybe it's actually more like running a marathon and then being asked to run 10 more miles in water. maybe that's what it's like. i dunno. 

all's i know is no, i am not a real boy yet. but i'm getting closer... which exhausting and terrifying and very very good. 

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