14 June 2013

2 the very real true story of my near-death by vanilla

so, hey, i nearly died, but no biggie. 

you know those air freshner diffuser things? yeah, omg, BEWARE. or, at the very least, maybe don't put them within spilling distance of your bed. 

i, not having me to warn me, put one within spilling distance of my bed and, inevitably, it spilled. all over said bed. 

the problem with this is that it happened after 2 a.m., and as ted mosby's mother warned us nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m. the subtext of this being that we do not make wise choices that late at night, which, well, PROVEN. 

you know absolutely the last thing i want to do after 2 a.m.? strip the bed and remake it. right?! i mean, that's a lot of work. and i was nearly asleep, and as a troubled sleeper i'm keenly aware that once the nearly asleep window has passed it has passed for good and i will not be seeing it again that night. so it was either strip the bed and risk a sleepless night or sleep in some heavily scented sheets. i picked the latter. 

as my dad would say: WRONG-A-DOODLE. 

if ever you have the misfortune of spilling vanilla scented diffuser oil all over your bedsheets, for the love of your oline, change the frickin bed. i'm being for reals. do it. i didn't and i have paid the price. 

growing up, you hear a lot of about carbon monoxide poisoning. and smoke poisoning. you know what you don't hear about? death by vanilla scent. you guys, i can only assume people are dying because i nearly did.

that night, whilst i innocently slept in my heavily scented bedsheets, i was inhaling harmful vanilla fumes. at some point they knocked me unconscious, as i slept 12 full hours, which is absurd under normal circumstances. still, would that i had slept longer because, i tell you, upon waking i would have welcomed death. 

the splitting migraine! the numbed lips! the rocking boat sensation! 

vanilla poisoning. it's a thing. 

yeah, you could argue that i basically poisoned myself, but that's not the point. should this ever happen to you, should a vanilla diffuser ever spill itself into your bed, no matter the time of night! learn from my mistake! wash your sheets! 

do not become a victim like me. 

incidentally, aside from a lingering headache this morning, i'm very nearly recovered. though my pillows will apparently always carry traces of vanilla, a scent that may make my soul cringe from now on. 


Linda said...

So happy you survived the vaniller killer!!! Can you machine-wash your pillow???

mak said...

Obviously, I immediately googled "vanilla fumes" and "vanilla fumes poisoning" - and apparently, this is how one mitigates paint fumes. Well, not THIS specifically, but vanilla. And now I imagine your bed as a bean pod and you as one of those little seeds. And in my head, it is kind of weird.