"i was only in it for the olive."
"while i am sure that mixing the medications i am on with lots of alcohol would have made me an entertaining side show, i want to leave the dignity of the event intact."
"in writing an email to a guy named clint, i just called him clit."
"i feel like she has dramatically misunderstood how reincarnation works."
"you remember her, right? crazy girl with frizzy blonde hair who always wore a flowered bodysuit with jean shorts in middle school and tried to throw me off a boat."
"you are like my husband and child, then."
"how has your body not exploded from all the caffeines?"
"how has something existed for so long without my becoming obsessed with it?"
"i love that your mental health day likelihood is directly related to the number of outstanding friday night lights episodes."
"my skirt is so short i just walk around with hands firmly planted on outer thighs. (mine. not someone else’s. that would be silly. and hard to walk.)"
"I PUT MY PLANT BABIES IN THE GROUND!"
"there's an awful lot of sniffling and booger paranoia…an amount ridiculous for any person over the age of 7."
"the cake mix pot and the perilous baggie of sleep herb."
"i’m really trying my best to cancel the pumpkin part, and skip straight to where we let the kids run around my house and the parents drink wine."
"you’re welcome, WORLD."
"we are couraging all over our lives right now!"
"they did swipey circle paper on my hands, and the machine said in big letters “EXPLOSIVES DETECTED”."
"yes. thank you for that. it almost caused me eyes to roll OUT OF MY HEAD."