04 July 2012

0 june: a (terribly belated) revue

"i love the fact that it was a hotbed of sexual tension with guys named theophilus."

"you know how sometimes during lady week when you poo, the tampon comes out? that is totally the reverse of pooing while being in labor."

"my guess is johanna's wedding is going to be the most entertaining event since the olympic figure skating showdown between brian boitano and brian orser in 1988."

"yep. kegels. for the exercise equivalent of homework."

"that sounds like you are writing software for an iphone!"

"did you get your champagne wish?"

"i have fallen down a wormhole of hairs."

"the things you have done for men!"

"i'm amazed that you would even need to ask if johanna's wedding is open bar."

"i'm in heaven. and puffy."

"... the dulcet tones of scottish people teaching me french."

"i'm worthless and it's only barely past nine."

"yums. corona."

"i listened to a french lesson on the train while reading this book on thomas jefferson and creme brulee."
"i thought every children’s science museum in the world had a little exhibit with two phones saying this was impossible!"

"being able to turn to the correct page number is kind of a rudimentary skill at this point"

"the videos are like taking a glimpse into some weird ancient civilization. with shoulderpads."

"but when you wipe poop off of someone else’s bottom every day of your life, a pee trash can loses significance."

"i can only dream of looking that hot. bear claw shoe-feet and all."

"in our lives, brutal sunburns are usually the payback for some kind of lovely experience. like the opposite of a war wound."

" i started to get paranoid about my own stupid questions, but then i remembered that i don’t apply to anything anymore."

" the pee smell is gone. So, you know, win!"

" i voiced my thoughts. when I could. which wasn’t often. "

"i still can’t believe i put you on that awful futon."

"like, was there context, or was he suddenly touching you with his arms?"

"I WILL HAVE PRODUCED A PLANT SOMETHING!!! be amazed. i know i am."

"the crotch of her pants is insanely tight. like, not comfortable tight--yeast infection tight."

"if i'm going to live in a city with terrible BBQ and horrific winters, then the least i deserve is highs that never top 82."

"of course i haven’t seen a kid movie in the theaters in forever, especially not with the technology they have now, so i was very 'her HAIR! it is BEAUTIFUL!' the whole time."

"you need the smell of edwardian must and leather!"

"in a very vagina monologue way you reclaimed 'cunt', so i thought it was fair game."

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