31 July 2012

0 july: a revue



"it’s the modern equivalent of telling everyone in first period that you guys broke up over the phone the night before."

"or is she totally po’d that she was squished while eating."

"we're 31. it's time."

"when is this podcast? who scheduled a podcast on the 4th of july? why don't you care about 'merica?!"
"a woman in london, obviously."

"we're just the classic seventies novel with no sex in it."

"he is either very well-endowed or wearing an enhancement."

"then i'm writing a book review about a book on the history of ukelelles. and also, learning how to spell ukelees."

"i really really do not like playing [the piano] for church. but i do it because it is a gift that i can give."

"and DR QUINN! who has nothing to do with 90210 obviously."

"i am deeply saddened by the lack of mel b."

"why did i not bake that chocolate cake??? fat lot of good the stupid chocolate ice cream does me now!!!!"

"for being married to a gay sex god, her taste in fashion is horrible. nobody that rich should have shoes that bad."

"i think when i die and get cremated, my ashes should be kept in a louboutin box."

"dearie me, this is dreadful and hilarious. it is dreadlarious."

"mykonos… the most gay island EVER. people eat rainbows, fart rainbows, and dream of rainbows there."

"since you are a previous butt injury sufferer, i know you will appreciate how awesome that is."
"um... what previous butt injuries did i suffer?"

"all butts. that seems pretty fitting for a monday, right?"

"steven and i seem to be doing a good job of keeping on the page so far..."
"i applaud your paging!!"
"wha? paging?"
"paging, like 'same paging', like 'you and steven are on the same page'."
"dude. right there, in that moment, you were too street for me."

"ohhh. THAT was your high school hair goal? i had wondered what the motivation was."

"the dead dad card is really hard to overcome."

"you look like a french model. minus the heroin."

"stupid salad. stupid yogurt. why aren’t you all cake?"

"my family bought evan a chainsaw for his birthday, so you know, we’re all in redneck bliss."

"not only are we not carpooling our emails, some of them aren’t even on the same interstate!"

"yes, he is a rather fragile thing to be living in a big city."

"i feel like he would be much happier in a city that is famous for something more than having giant golden ball thing."

"my mom made it yesterday, and gave me a teasing glimpse before quickly shutting the fridge door. "

"at least there's that whole day to recover and become a vegetarian."

"she's been more rolley and ewoky looking than usual."

"he was in heaven. i was sweating to death. and then he pooped through his diapers in the middle of the street."

"maybe this is a sign that i need to transition to beans."

"it is CRAY CRAY hot down here. walking outside is like getting punched in the face with a preheated oven door. "

"did you get your champagne wish?"

"someone reheated a pizza in the lunchroom earlier. i almost cried, it smelled so good."

"i realized the whole world is not facebook."

"it’s the culinary equivalent of a michael bay movie."

"death is nothing compared to my biscuits."

"i'd say i'm 60% cassanova."

0 why don't grown people get summer vacation?

because, you guys, i am accomplishing squat. for reals. yesterday, i mistakenly published the month in revue because i thought the month was already over. alas, no. has july always had 31 days or is this a new thing? dear july, way to catch a girl off guard. i'm all kinds of unprepared so, hey! let's look at ridiculously emo new york pictures instead, yeah? 







30 July 2012

2 PS90210: “not all black people have rhythm. not all latin people are hot tempered. and not all jewish people are great with money.”


Summer’s almost over! SIGH. and so this week’s episode- “castles in the sand” (which immediately makes me think of THIS)- finds brenda and donna on their way home, speeding ever closer towards the vortex of betrayals and stolen kisses that awaits them in beverly hills.
today, class, we’re going to be continuing our analysis of depictions of betrayal, bigotry and ahhhhhhhhndrea’s ongoing inability to keep track of the whereabouts of deaf people on beverly hills 90210 in this, The Summer of Brandon Dates a BigotContinue reading 
look how tall his hair is!!!

2 reasons to go back to paris ASAP

you guys, THIS IS MY DREAMLAND!


26 July 2012

0 you're welcome

1 dear lisa frank, let's break this down

as you have seen, when i tried explain to lindear the origins of robert pattinson's celebrity nickname- "sparkles"- and the twilight vampiric tendency of sparkling in the sun, her response was "oh, like lisa frank?" thus establishing that, for women of a certain age, twilight is like the trapper keepers of our youth come to life. 

in the midst of that conversation, i submitted to a round of lisa frank google imaging to test this theory. 

i highly suggest that everyone in the world do this. do it now. hell, i will do it for you HERE! because it produces hands down the most extraordinary wall of psychedelia you will ever see. 

the effects of this image search were two-fold. 

(1) it made me long for an exhibition of lisa frank's collected works. 

(2) it reminded me that i once had a notebook with this image on it:


no lie.

this was on the cover of my 4th grade math notebook. it was on glossy paper, so as vivid and trippy as the colors are here, the effect was magnified in real life. 

COLOR EXPLOSION!!! which is, let's face it, pretty much what the 90s were. 

if you're familiar with the work of lisa frank (who is an actual honest to god person [and an attractive one at that]), you will recognize this piece as being typical of her oeuvre.  

if you are not familiar with the work of lisa frank, you will be like "what the fuck?"

let me explain, because i actually know what this is. it's an enormous banana split sundae planet (comprised of lime, raspberry, blueberry and orange ice creams and syrups) atop a bed of additional sundaes topped with tropical flavored olives and candied hearts. in outer space. giving evident glee to a waning moon. 

in keeping with lisa frank's overarching themes, this is a representation of the future and, in this particular piece, the future is a time when we will live in outer space under the oligarchical rule of enthusiastic desserts. 


0 cheeky time

i'm over at cheeky today writing about sally ride. do, please, give it a read!

6 sample dialogue


lindear: Sparkles?

oline: robert pattison's tabloid nickname

lindear: I do not understand this at all.

oline: ha this is my your ehghhredard girl. he plays a vampire in twilight and when vampires get in sun they sparkle like diamonds. evidence attached.


lindear: When vampires get in the sun, they look like a Lisa Frank illustration???! AND.  it is Ermahgerd.   As in “Oh my god”    phf.

oline: yes. twilight is like the trapper keepers of our childhood come to life. and you needed to EXPLAIN, barnett. no way am i gonna get "oh my god" out of "ermahgerd" by myself.


ps. the 90s were so weird and it will likely come as no surprise that i had a folder emblazoned with the last one...










24 July 2012

0 MARIAH CAREY. american idol. discuss.


ohmygod, you guys, i can’t even.
WE ARE LIVING IN BLESSED TIMES. Continue reading 

0 via MK


0 threesomes

(fyi- this was my pink swimsuit [though it's showing up purple here].
i wore it EVERY SINGLE DAY in 1984. EVERY SINGLE photograph of me in it-
and there are many- is labeled
"caroline in her pink swimsuit, 1984. she wore it every day."
as though this were a detail that MUST NOT be lost to history.) 

three is a funny number. someone is usually left out. 

my father was in chicago this weekend for father/daughter time. so you can guess who was left out there. 

at least twice a day while he was here, my father called my mother. he'd fill her in on all the details of what we'd done and, more importantly, what we'd eaten. as is often the case in my family, there were even calls where, in the interim, nothing had occurred but sleeping. 

our commitment to overcommunicatng is unrelenting.

so i wasn't too surprised when, not an hour after my father was safely returned to memphis, my mother called me. i was, however, a little surprised when, in bidding me farewell, she said to me: "i've really missed you this weekend. i'm so glad we finally had a chance to catch up."

23 July 2012

0 my dad was in town this weekend

it is a point of great pride that he not only ate austrian, thai, indian and cuban, but also he enjoyed them.

4 well played, chicago. well played.


0 PS90210: “i don’t get it. i thought the government was supposed to take care of people.”/”zair eez no future fah uzzz.”


So, last week i lamented the lack of social issues in this summer season. this week, the 90210gods provide! today, class, we’re going to tackle homelessness and veterans rights as only 90210 can… with a side of cheating and deception, a cameo from superman, a dollop of pelvic brim plus a heavy helping of intolerably bad fake french accents as seen in the classic 90210 season 3 episode “shooting star/american in paris.” ya’ll ready for this? [more]

19 July 2012

0 i'm 75% sure this was from an obituary; 100% sure it's awesome.


apparently, in february 2011, this was something i intended to blog about. i didn't, but it surfaced during a routine run-through of all my draft plog posts, and struck me now as much as it had before. so many stories could be written with this beguiling tidbit.

3 stream of conscious reflections re: this picture of NKOTB

0 eaton knows best

(we should obviously never judge anyone because we're really weird)

at the risk of making all three of you dear readers hate us, i'll admit something you probably already know: we eatons are elistists.

i've recognized this tendency in myself since partner so graciously pointed it out to me in 1999, but i've only recently realized it's a family trait and i've only just now begun trying to figure out how deep in runs.

because it's not just my father, which was what i had thought. no, no. though she was handpicked by burvil as "the easiest to get along with of all of us," debo's got it to.

in relaying to me the particulars of her friend's trip to paris, my mother laced her descriptions with criticisms so gentle they probably would've slipped under my radar were i not always at the ready to pin fault for my elitist genes upon someone else.

but then she said this: "i don't know why she insisted upon doing it that way, when our way was obviously... [insert massive pause]"

i swear, in this moment my heart grinned. because it's not just me. we eatons, we all of us have this ugly streak wired in.

"mummybee, you can say it," i said. "we all know our way is always so much better."

and she let out a sigh of relief and said, "isn't that awful? but it ALWAYS is."

18 July 2012

0 defining the relationship

i'm realizing i have problems internalizing the true meaning of certain words. take my abusive relationship with the word "usual," for instance.

because when people ask if i'm traveling right now, i say, "not as much as usual."

which they likely interpret as a travel slow-down but by which i really mean "not as much as i did last spring during the chicago : new york : chicago : rancho cucamonga : chicago : LA : chicago : san diego : chicago : paris ordeal."

but then, that was not "usual." nor, should it ever be.

a similar thing happened upon inquiry into my summer plans, to which i've always responded, "nothing." but, in that sentence, "nothing" signifies chicago : detroit: chicago : new york : chicago : atlanta : chicago : memphis : chicago : vegas : chicago.

which is obviously not nothing.

what i can't figure out here is whether this is some new-found lack of self-awareness or if, in fact, it is the norm in my head and my inability to be still is just that deeply ingrained.

0 LOVE.

this.

1 present


my dad's mother lived in upstate new york. she came to memphis a few times and we went up there once. but for most of my life, while she was alive, she was a voice on the phone.

i've written about her gifts before. about how they came in enormous boxes that looked like they'd been sent from the moon and were filled with enough marlboro smoke to imply the same.

what i've not written about is how my dad documented the opening of these boxes through countless photographs. once we'd waved away the smoke, i would open the contents of each box, with my dad photographing every stage, so- upon receiving the pictures back in new york- grandma ruth would feel like she had been there.

so there'd be me with the card. me opening the end of the package. me opening the other end of the package. me fastidiously undoing the wrapping. me opening the box. me smiling in unadulterated glee. me using/reading/playing with whatever was in the box.

you could make a freaking flip-book with these pictures and maybe that was the intent.

when grandma ruth died, her photographs were divvied up among the grandchildren. and so i returned from fall semester of college to discover a box lying on my bed. i opened it, detonating the expected cloud of marlboro smoke, and there they were. photographs of me receiving every gift she had given me. (fyi- the rainbo emotion photographs? totally the descendants of these.)

i'd not thought about this old family habit in years. but old family habits die hard.

today is debo's birthday. not my father's ex-girlfriend's mind you, but debo's.

it's been a long week and it was good for my soul that this morning these pictures were waiting in my inbox.



17 July 2012

7 dainty, ladylike, minimal snot


when people ask why i cut my hair, i'm all like "eh, i wanted to." which strikes me as weirdly selfish, which- in turn- strikes me as ridiculous, because it's MY hair.

i've been in the workforce for eight years now. that breaks down to three years of emotional abuse and five years of verbal. which is maybe not the best tally to have.

yesterday, the old man said the most sexist thing he has ever said to me. that's pretty rich coming from someone who has called me "a dumb broad" with such frequency over the last five years that i am now able to laugh it off.

but this was different. it was meant to be a joke and in a different context it maybe could have been. but because it was coming from my boss, because it was said at work, because i am a woman, it made me feel like total shit.

a matter made more frustrating by the fact that there was no one to complain to and i knew i couldn't complain without crying and i wasn't about to cry at work, and so i instead cried the whole 3 mile walk home.

dainty, ladylike tears with minimal snot.

what i realized was this: sexism isn't necessarily what someone says so much as how what they have said makes you feel.

this joke was about my hair. my hair that i love, but which has had the interesting side-effect of becoming some political statement i didn't realize i was making.

in the last NLB, the dane and i both misread a line in sensei's story and thought a new character he was introducing had short hair. we hurrahed this in the biggest possible way. then it turned out we were wrong, thus, launching us into a diatribe against the lack short-haired female characters in literature. we lobbied sensei hard to cut this character's locks.

(read THIS. immediately. now. go.)

the number one comment women have made about my hair is that they wish they could cut theirs. that they've always loved short hair. that this is the haircut they've always wanted since they were little girls.

you guys, that is SO SAD!

ladies, cut your fucking hair!

last thing: i told someone what the old man said and she told me a story in turn. about how, though she was married and had a young kid, she was once propositioned for sex by a guy at work.

i was the kid. that woman was my mother.

6 friends.










4 tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen


after copious drinks in multiple venues, at beauty bar some point after 2 a.m., s and i danced to "i'm so excited." fyi- this performance may/may not have been accompanied by unironic jazz hands. 

it wasn't until 1:30 the following day that we realized we'd danced to "i'm so excited" and not once evoked jessie spano's name. honestly, we weren't sure whether to be proud of this omission or to mourn.


16 July 2012

0 fun.







0 PS90210: "i was planning to make them sing for their supper."


Oh my god, you guys. how did they manage to make episodes of 90210 during the summer? i can barely even manage to WATCH episodes of 90210 during the summer!
so, if we were really at some amazingly kick-ass liberal arts college that was wonky enough to have me on faculty and you really were majoring in the social significance of 90s young adult programming and class #3.01-08 solving problems with 90210: the summer of brandon dates a bigot was crucial to your attainment of a degree, this would be the easiest A ever, as half the time i don’t even show up for my own class.
and this, my friends, is one of those days. given that i got 10 hours of sleep over the just passed four day weekend, i’ma take a sickie. but fear not! in my absence, i’ma give you maybe one of the greatest things to ever happen on 90210 (and, thus, give you another week to recover from one of the worst things to ever happen on 90210).
i’m not just making that up either. based on my very limited internet research, this legitimately is considered by many (ie. the person who uploaded the video to youtube) to be the greatest moment in 90210 history. riddle me this: is it?
dear class, today, in things you’d not even dreamed of to ask for but which i am, nonetheless, going to do for you: a close “reading” of 90210, season 2, episode 26, the cameo by COLOR ME BADD.

13 July 2012

3 new york

for the record, this is how steven and i looked when we were last together, 4 hairstyles and 1 color ago.