29 February 2012

0 february: a revue



"it wasn't until about an hour in that my friend noticed that the black lights weren't being very kind to me."

"i don't recall being embarrassed too badly, but i do remember looking around and noticing this wide open space around me, as though no one wanted to be seen near The Boy Who Wore Sperm."

"you always make me proud, caroline."

"i really like that you have decided i am going to marry tim tebow even though i said that i don't want to marry tim tebow anymore."

"could we put his heart/soul into ryan gosling's body/penchant for disney and then have that person come fall in love with me? c'mon- you're supposed to be in the business of making dreams come true!"

"please appreciate that in a single year, my future husband has gone from being james franco to nick carter."

"she was like, 'don't you dare distract me from my misery!'"

"is there some way for me to get a job where i just get to talk to people and laugh a lot?"

"i've got to say, KE$HA may be a hot mess, but she's not stupid."

"i must confess something and i'm choosing you because, well, i seem to confess everything to you of late."

"but really, the geeky lit major with a cool hobby/skill set (whether it be comic books or carpentry or lindyhopping) is always going to steal my heart."

"i think my threshold for birth year would probably be 1984, though, because anything after orwell would just seem so very, very wrong."

"i had a file this morning whose email was cheese_burger_human@[domain].com - i can only assume that this is the hamburgler's son."

"or, you know, i can become the office hussy, but in a classy, mrs. robinson sort of way."

"i kind of hate everything unless it has to do with my husband or kid."

"all future received recipes from this person are hereby officially invalid."

"it is painfully obvious that your single-ladies-in-the-city nights are much more refined than our shrieking-8th-grader giggle fest."

"i ended up having too many wines."

"it's amazing, right? i mean, for reals. every year at thanksgiving that turkey makes me reconsider my thinking on not having children solely because i want to have a family for whom to cook that damn bird."

"the parallel, of course, is that deep down, everyone secretly wanted the 8th grade boy or baby. though i'm not sure which would be more terrifying to admit out loud."

"please appreciate that i misread 'traveling' as 'time traveling', and i was momentarily STUNNED."

"i will be busy taking over the world of biography and learning french while doing it."

"godwilling, tonight you and i will be eating the same food!"

"all that remains is a naked green monster."

"was this the last podcast of the season?"

"so the movie. i LOVED. i loved that a movie like this was able to make me feel such a spectrum of emotions. i loved how the sound at the end made me appreciate the previous 90 minutes of silence & music that much more. i loved peppy. i loved peppy’s hair. i love that the actress is married to the director. loved jean dejardin, like, the whole time. pensive, angry, dancing. sigh."

"i kept forgetting to pick up the meds, and then by last night when i got them, i was healed. MUHRacle!"

"don’t you have a whole bunch of dead nerves up in that part of your head?"

"i blame it more on the weather though. it was sleeting then it was warm. and then it was windy. and then it was winter. and today it is spring. that's obviously a lot for glands to have to deal with."

"that, my friend, is not a treat!"

"he barely remembers the Clinton years."

"caroline is the only person i know who has a landline."

"i don't know how to make 1989 capitalized, BUT IT SHOULD BE!!"

"we do not do things like this."

"really am not SUPES thrilled about going to a “BUY SOMETHING” event anyway, but will go just this once to be supportive, blah blah."

"i may buy some 'everyday' silver earrings. or i may eat a piece of chocolate & go home."

"and what’s up with your sea of doom?"

"i feel like my schedule is a tetris game, maneuvering blocks of time just right to get it to all fit perfectly."

"how was the good-bye?"

"part of me is really hoping the matching socks and general quirky brilliance does result in his being gay. that would solve all of my problems, at least in this area of my life."

“you people and your biblical baby names. is it going to be shocking when my 15-year-old red-headed french twin stepdaughters are named marchelaine and emmelienne?”

"they are a tanish color and they are like a very non-committal cat-eye."

"i don’t need to see jean dejardin on french sight gag tv shows anymore, but i want to see him in everything else."

"who the hell are these women who spell my name with multiple Ls and singular Ss and excess Is? WHO THE HELL ARE THESE WOMEN RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US???"

"i would so have his twin 15-year-old daughters."

"are you the person who loves aardvarks? if not, then this is entirely inappropriate."
"i don't know...AM I the person who loves aardvarks?"

"that's how lessons work when you learn them."
"i feel like this conversation belongs in a berenstein bears book."

"of course, it doesn’t really count when you 'dream predict' things that are likely to happen in the course of that person’s life anyway."

"yo! yo! yo! hey, baby!"
"oh my god, don't ever do that again. it's like you just threw up on me with words."

"HOW is so much of your life SO sitcom-y?"

"ah, to be the chancellor's peanut minion."

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