14 December 2011

0 Movies You Really Should've Seen By Now If You Want To Consider Yourself A Grown Person: A Very Brady Christmas

you may've noticed by now that our continuing series of Movies You Really Should've Seen By Now If You Want To Consider Yourself A Grown Person isn't so much about movies you need to see to qualify to be an adult as it is about movies you need to see in order to ride my many reference trains. so this is self-serving at best, self-centered at worst.

that said. omg, a very brady christmas is like the greatest movie ever made. you know this. we've covered this before.

in the house of oline, we love us some traditions. so last night, the vieve and i piled up on the fainting couch under the furry blanket to watch that great holiday classic, a very brady christmas. and, as we do every year, to cry and cry and cry.

there isn't too much you need to know about the first 97 minutes of AVBC. imdb neatly summarizes it as "the entire brady family manages to overcome personal obstacles to spend a happy holiday together." well said.

what you need to know, what you need to experience is the great climactic scene. and because pictures of people singing are always enjoyable, let's break it down:

[and, for the record, yes there are a christmas carol parallels. and yes, i still hate a christmas carol with the fire of a thousand suns.]

mr. brady: here i go ill-advisedly into The Collapsed Structure.

mike roberts (the scrooge of AVBC): oh no!
The Collapsed Structure is collapsing further,
collapsing upon mr. brady,
who only just ill-advisedly entered it.

(to a child, The Collapsed Structure
looks SO scary.
to an adult, it looks like an upended dumpster.)

mrs. brady: yes, i will deign to speak with you, local broadcaster,
since you have conveniently coordinated your
microphone with my ensemble.

alice: i disapprove.

bobby: look at me. i am emoting.

cindy: hey, mom, do you remember that time you were
sick and we thought you wouldn't get your voice back
in time to sing "o come all ye faithful" on christmas eve?
mrs. brady: why yes, yes i do...
dear viewers who may not remember that...

THIS is what it looked like.

[actual AVBC dialog]
cindy: sometimes i wish i still believed in santa claus.

[actual AVBC dialog]
mrs. brady: well, cindy, big girls can have wishes too.
mrs. brady: maybe if i sing, my wish will come true.
cindy: oh, we're going to sing now. ok.

peter: oh, so we're singing.
this is just like that time we sang "sunshine day"
on tv in pastel jumpsuits to win the money to pay for
mom and dad's anniversary present when stupid jan
miscalculated the cost of the engraving.
ps. even though my head is a little square,
aren't i still totally the cutest brady boy?
mrs. brady: yes, we're singing.

grumpy trucker dude behind the bradys:
i do not approve of all this singing.

mr. brady:
what is that sound? why, it's people singing!
wait... it's the entire brady family singing!
why, i think i'll just overcome the personal obstacle of
this here Collapsed Structure so we can spend
a happy holiday together.
bobby: so we're still singing...

bobby: shouldn't he be coming out by now?

alice: i'm a little old for all this singing.

cindy: maybe if i hide behind her,
they won't now i've stopped singing.

mrs. brady: KEEP SINGING!

bobby: DUDE.

alice: seriously. too old for this.

phillip: jan's hair smells so good.

jan: i wish i was marsha.

mr. brady: i'll overcome the personal obstacle of
The Collapsed Structure very slowly so mrs. brady
will have ample time to finish the chorus.
then we can all spend a happy holiday together.

mrs. brady: it's mike! my singing helped him
overcome the personal obstacle of
the Collapsed Structure so now
the entire Brady family can spend
a happy holiday together.

bobby: this is the finest emoting i have ever done onscreen.

jan: stupid marsha.

cindy: i am totally going to cross this line.

bobby: i shall continue emoting.

alice: maybe i shouldn't have worn this housecoat?

mr. brady: i have come out of the Collapsed Structure.
please stop that singing.

mr. brady: and i'm FREE!
now the entire brady family can spend
a happy holiday together!

mr. brady: the entire brady family has managed
to overcome personal obstacles.
let's spend a happy holiday together
and try to ignore the fact that i will die of AIDS in four years.

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