27 November 2011
7 this is heresy (but it's honest)
i do not like christ.
yes, this admission makes me The Worst Christian Ever.
because most christians seem to struggle with god and be all about jesus. jesus is supposed to be the easy part. non-christians, people who don't even believe in jesus, at least like him. they think he's cool. that he'd be fun to hang out with and include in dinner parties. they admire his sandals and envy his beard.
but, silly stupid me, i always take the path of most resistance.
god i get. we're tight. we talk. god's got my back.
christ i do not even know where to begin. not even at all. i do not like jesus.
this makes me a horrible christian and, quite possibly, a mediocre jew.
i recognize this as the problem it is. as a christian, christ is kind of key. plus, as a writer writing about religious business, i should totally be all about christ because christ is the only member of the trinity to which pronouns can, in good conscience, be applied. christ died for my sins and gave me pronoun freedom. he's clearly a cool dude.
but no, we do not get along. jesus and me.
i've known this for a year. i've only just realized why.
in the church i grew up in- the scary fundamentalist one we only attended for three years, which nonetheless scarred me for life- we were told that we were in the messiah's army. there were battle plans and scripts and memorized verses and prayers. and our mission: we were to go forth, thus armed, and win sinners to christ.
this is what i walked out on. that jesus christ who hated so many things in the world and so many of the people in it. never mind that this is not the christ in the bible, it's the christ i grew up with.
that christ mightily offended my understanding of god. he still does. we're not friends. and, god forgive me, i do not want to be in his army.
my father says he didn't get christ until he turned 50. as though the messiah were a mathematical formula around which one will be able to wrap one's stubborn brain after years of rudimentary calculus.
this doesn't bode well for me. i suck at math and i expect to die young.
filed under: faith in the city