6 the financial investments of pre-teenoline

in 1991, i saved all the money i made selling my baby-sitters club books at the family yard sales and mowing the lawn to buy american girls dolls. not because i loved dolls (i didn't) but because my love of the american girls books- which imparted important Facts about things like child labor laws and victory gardens- was so great that buying the dolls seemed the inevitable next step.

that and their clothes were pretty.

and libby had one.

those dolls have been in their boxes at my parents house- a row of tiny coffins lining the top shelf of my mother's closet- for the last 10 years. unloved, unused, collecting dust until... [cue epiphany music] when i was scraping together pennies for london, it dawned on me that they could be sold. for, like, actual real money.

a huge proponent of my having actual real money, my mother promptly went into action and the selling process commenced.

we've previously discussed my mother's unique form of communication. you can, therefore, imagine her innate gift for ad copy.

in the advertisement for the samantha doll, my mother informed readers that the doll was purchased by her "pre-teen daughter in the late 80s." her daughter who "collected her dolls and kept them in wonderful condition." (would that i will go down in history as someone who kept her dolls in wonderful condition.)

she went on to detail the features of the doll itself, how "Samantha has on all her original 'Meet' clothes and her hair bow matches her dress"; "She has a tan body with long white strings. [btw, wtf?]"; and how "If she had bloomers, I don’t have those." [scandal!]

my second favorite sentence in the ad: "Samantha's eyelashes are all full and her hair is silky perfect." because, really, what girl doesn't aspire to full eyelashes and silky perfect hair? 

my first favorite sentence in the ad: "My daughter is now grown and needs to sell her doll."

because, people, THE DRAMA. seriously. if i didn't know me and i were reading this sentence, i would be wrought with anxiety over what could have possibly necessitated the selling of this grown woman's doll, which she kept in such "wonderful condition." what dire straits is she in that a $95 doll is going to get her out? 

i don't know whether this was my mother's funnily formal mode of communication or a conscious selling ploy, but it worked. samantha sold in two days.  

true story: on september 10th, 2001, i invested $1,000 in the stock market. at present, my investment is worth $556.

in the last five months, i've raked in $550 with the american girls.

the lesson to be learned here: american girls dolls = best investment ever.